Rhetorical Questions.July 20, 2012 at 6:00 am | Posted in Moving On., Stuff Outta My Head, The End of Trying | 3 Comments
Funny, when I wrote my last post, I wasn’t FEELING particularly sad or unhappy.
And initially, when I read some of the comments, I thought, Huh, they think I’m upset.
So I went back and re-read.
And you know, honestly, as an objective outsider I’d come to the conclusion I’m upset too.
It’s so weird, where I am right now.
We went through this cycle, and did everything possible, and I have ZERO questions left about the process. Protocol, results, embryo quality – everything.
Before this cycle, I always felt like there was something to DO, still. Maybe if we tried this, or that, or I was more hopeful, or something, it would work.
I went to a top notch doctor and clinic which is KNOWN for their quality.
I had a great protocol and an amazing response.
I did acupuncture regularly.
I was in a really good, hopeful mindset.
I’ve spent the past year talking about my defenses in the hopes that I’d remove any unconscious barrier that might prevent us from getting pregnant.
I took steroids and antibiotics and used assisted hatching.
I did post-transfer acupuncture.
I took it easy during my 2ww, ran only when I felt okay, and even then it was short, and slow, and joyful.
I just didn’t get pregnant.
The thing is, I never thought I’d be in a position where I really had to consider the idea that I might never be pregnant again. Even when I had lost hope with my clinic last May, it was more with the clinic. I still had QUESTIONS.
I don’t have any questions left about my cycles.
(Well, not true. I wonder why we didn’t get pregnant. But I know that no one can explain why that is.)
What I DO have, is questions about what’s next.
Because right now, I am staring reality in the face.
There’s a very real chance we might never have another baby.
My feelings, when I think that?
But it’s a dull kind of grief, the kind you have when you go visit your favorite grandfather’s grave, 10 years later, and realize you miss him terribly. But you know he’s never coming back.
I think it’s acceptance. I’ve FINALLY accepted that I’m the kind of infertile that ART can’t fix. I might never have another baby, no matter how much I want it to be different.
And so now, I think about doing more cycles. Because we have 5 embryos on ice.
I’m not sure I can walk away right now. I want to, of course. But I feel like we need to cycle with those potentials, use them up, discard them into my uterus. I feel like they will be a question mark in the coming years, if we don’t try.
What if one of those was going to be our baby?
So my focus now is how to keep doing this and not lose anything more.
Is it possible to do treatments and be hopeful, and detached, and see what happens? If I expect a BFN, but hope for a BFP, will it hurt less when I get the BFP?
What’s the emotionally healthy way of doing this?
Will I regret the next however many cycles we’ll do because I want to move on?
Will I regret moving on if we don’t do the next however many cycles?
CAN I move on? This fall, will I hold my BFF’s newborn son, or my new nephew, and NOT long for a baby of my own? Will that longing kill me? Make me stronger? Keep me up at night? Not bother me at all? Make me feel only small twinges of grief and then I’ll feel okay?
All questions to which I have no answer right now.
And that’s really what’s been in my head these past few days. Some sadness, yes.
But mostly just unanswerable questions.
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