Mythical.

August 1, 2012 at 7:54 am | Posted in Mythical #2 | 2 Comments

Got a call from New Clinic yesterday. The official recommendation for the next step for us is a frozen cycle. And our insurance company approved it as well.

Though I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and some writing about it here, I wasn’t sure where Charlie stood on the whole thing. So last night I asked him what he thought about doing another cycle.

He doesn’t see the value in waiting if we’re going to do another cycle. And when I asked him if he thought we should do a cycle, he told me yes.

The thing with Charlie? He’s not the kind of guy to expound on stuff, especially when it comes to how he feels about cycling. He’s been very, very close to the vest with how he feels about the whole thing.

But he’s not okay, either. I think the nonstop parade of pregnancy announcements is getting to him, too. And in the past couple of weeks he’s mentioned to me more than once that he feels like there’s really nothing in our life that’s controllable right now.

It’s definitely a change. Because a year ago, he told me he wanted to be done, that he’d be okay with walking away from ART altogether. And all through this process – even before Lucky – he’s been the one to keep my sadness in check by reminding me that we do have a good life in the here and now.

So this feels like a role reversal of sorts, where I seem to be the one less affected by our cycle Fail and the myriad pregnancies around us.

Less affected doesn’t mean not affected, of course.

I confess I’m struggling, still.

It’s hard.

Cycling really requires you to acknowledge how much you want a baby, how much you want it to work. I mean, why else would you do the needles, the retrieval, the melancott catheter, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork? Why else would you give up the things that keep you sane (wine & running, in my case)? Why else would you spend time doing things that might help your chances like acupuncture?

Cycling is ACTIVE. It takes up mindspace and heartspace and you can’t really get away from it, even if you try.

And it sucks, because it requires a focus on something that isn’t there. It’s like believing in a mythical person – if I do X, and Y, and even Z, then maybe we can will our baby into being.

Except we CAN’T will our baby into being. If we could, we’d have done it already.

It’s kind of freeing, this idea that I have zero control over getting pregnant. It means I can keep focusing on the things in my life that give me joy NOW: my family, running, vacation, summer fun. It means I can keep living my life in the here and now, and not waste more time and energy over something in which I have no control.

I have so little free time right now, it’s nice not to clutter it up with useless actions.

But.

It also means this.

Our second child IS mythical. And might never become reality.

And there’s really nothing I can, or can’t do, except transfer each of those 5 embryos into my uterus and see what happens.

And that’s the hardest part.

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2 Comments »

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  1. You know, never had I really thought of it like that. But you are so right. It is actively pursuing a mythical reality. It is interesting how you and your husband have kinda switched places at this stage.

    Wishing you both strength for this next cycle.

    [[Hugs]]

  2. I hate the loss of control when dealing with IF. It is the hardest thing for me to accept.

    I’m glad, too, that Charlie was able to open up a bit and tell you what he was thinking. Q. is the same- very difficult to get him to tell you what is going on in his head.

    I so hope that one of these frozen transfers brings you a good outcome.

    xoxo
    T.


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