On The Up.

September 14, 2012 at 7:37 am | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Choosing Happiness., Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 6 Comments

With every cycle, I seem to have a day/moment/hour of a complete freakout. My friend D calls it a Low Point.

And that’s pretty much where I was yesterday. Physically, I felt battered. My butt really hurt from the shots. My stomach hurt from whatevermedsmadeithurt.

And then add onto it a sore left ankle, scraped up right leg, and two hands with embedded gravel?

And the voice in my head whispering, you’re not going to get your miles in this week, and this stupid transfer isn’t going to work, and how much is it going to suck when you are going to have to try and get back into running again in two weeks at your half marathon when you get that BFN, Serenity?

I realized yesterday morning, too, that Charlie Brown was going out last night. Which meant I was on my own for PIO. And I wasn’t sure if I should let my SIL in on it in the hopes maybe SHE could do the PIO for me.

But ugh.

So I decided, fuck it, I was going to do it myself.

So yeah.

Low Point.

It changed last night when I got home though. I found this blog. And it comforted me, because my long time blogger friend Bea started it and the women who did these did them back in the same time when I was trying for Lucky. It was a reminder of the early days blogging where I felt a tangible connection* to this group of women, who would hold me up if I couldn’t stand on my own.

And I watched two videos of women giving themselves an intra-muscular shots. And one, in particular, made me feel better, when she remarked, I’m at a new clinic, and I guess they want… well, whatever. I don’t ask anymore. I just follow instructions.

Because that is exactly where I’m at, too. I don’t bother asking anymore. I follow their instruction.

And then she said that doing her own PIO was LESS painful then when her husband did it.

And so, I warmed the oil in my bra, filled the syringe, went into the bathroom, and just did it. Slowly. And there was no pain. And just in case, I went and sat on a heating pad afterwards anyway.

And I felt all badass, like I did something awesome. Intramuscular shot!! I did it MYSELF!

This morning? I’d say the area is as sore as other side – and the other side was done 36 hours ago and is so much better than it was yesterday. So yeah. Not as painful. It’s huge progress for me. Yes, I’ll now be doing my own PIO. 🙂

I also soaked my hands in epsom salt last night and dug out the gravel; this morning’s session with peroxide didn’t hurt or find much of everything.

And I’m crying uncle on the ankle. It’s sore; probably a minor sprain. I didn’t run today, and I’m not sure if I’ll do tomorrow’s planned long run. At this point it’s better to let it heal a bit more than force it and make it worse. Especially with a half marathon coming up in a couple of weeks.

The hardest thing to deal with with this cycling thing, is that you feel like you have so little control over ANYTHING. I was hoping I could manage to get my training in this week – if anything, it’d make me feel like, hey, I’m not changing my LIFE for something that probably isn’t going to work anyway.

But then I fell. And I suppose I COULD push myself through it and get my miles in this week, but to what end? So I’m REALLY injured instead of just a little bruised and battered?

I can’t control the outcome of this cycle. I just have to ride it all out, and trust that no matter what happens, Charlie, Lucky, and I are a family now, and we’ll be okay.

So yeah. I’m on the up.

*That’s not to say I don’t feel a connection now. But I do feel spread thinner, like butter scraped over too much bread (to quote an old hobbit). Twitter, Facebook, google reader – it’s all wonderful, but it requires forging a lot of facets of connection. I’m not very good with that. Thus the plain old anonymous blog. 🙂

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6 Comments »

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  1. Glad you are feeling better! D. gave me a PIO shot on the day after retrieval, and it was so awful that I was actually happy he wasn’t in town for most of the IVF cycle. It was much less painful to do it myself. I remember that feeling of being a real badass, giving myself PIOs. I even showed off to two friends, who hopefully have forgiven me by now. : )

    And I’m also glad that you aren’t going to push yourself with the running. IM stands for “intramuscular,” after all — very critical muscles in running, in this case. PIO is repeated trauma to the muscle tissue. Maybe swimming would be a little more comfortable, being low impact (though still using the glutes)?

  2. You are a badass. Now and always. And I understand everything you wrote and I feel like I always will.

    I hope your ankle feels better soon. I hope other stuff for you too, but I’m not going to write that here. 😉

  3. You are totally badass! I always did my own PIO bc DH is afraid of needles…wimp. So I was left to do it myself. I found myself very empowered taking it into my own hands. He came in handy after the shot for a massage…that was his job. Ice before, massage after. Good luck!

  4. Oh! I’m so glad somebody used the site! I was looking at it just the other day (I love your new look, I am playing with mine, too) and wondering if anyone still visited and here you are!

    There’s a lot of videos up on youtube these days, so it’s much easier to search. Back in the day, there were about two videos anywhere, if you knew where to find them. I remember when we had to use text-based web browsers and dial-up. You kids these days etc etc blah blah.

    But I’m glad it helped, and you really are badass. On the up from here, let’s hope.

    Bea

  5. FWIW, I think you are awesome at forging connections. It IS time-consuming, and I much prefer blogging to FB. But you seem to manage being all over the place!

    Getting to feel like a badass is a major perk, I think. Don’t know that it makes up for having to shoot yourself in the butt, but it’s still nice. And maybe it’s not the best timing for you with a half-marathon coming up, but I’ve found lately that running without any particular goals, giving myself the okay to listen to my body, is really nice. Not that I’ve had time to run much lately. But when I do, I don’t feel bad if I don’t go far, or have to stop, or whatever, and I am enjoying that (hoping you get to do the same soon, too, and for the same reason 🙂 ).

  6. I just wanted to let you know I think you are 100% badass. I am struggling to keep up training for a 10K and you’re on track for a half with PIO. You seriously rock.


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