Anticipation.

September 19, 2012 at 6:36 am | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), The End of Trying | 8 Comments

PIO is WAY easier than I anticipated. I’m still doing the injections myself, and though the left side is harder than the right (since I am VERY not left handed), it’s much less painful than it was that first week, when Charlie was doing it.

I’m kind of surprised at little it sucks in comparison to what I dreaded in my years of fertility treatments, actually.

And it made me think about the fact that I tend to get anxiety over the ANTICIPATION of some sort of Suck.

Like right now.

I can’t say that either Charlie or I have much hope that this cycle will work. And I don’t say that to be self-pitying, either. We’ve been saying this time around, hey, we were really lucky when we got pregnant, huh?

But I think the fact that we didn’t actually get pregnant on a picture perfect cycle last time made us realise the truth of that statement. And something has shifted in us since then. We’re finally acknowledging, you know, we might never be pregnant again.

The grief I’ve felt in the past few months has been acute, and real, and awful. It’s like I was grieving in anticipation of being done.

And now? Well, I’m left with just Being Done.

This 2ww absolutely sucks, I’m not going to lie. Not because I’m hopeful and scared and excited and trying NOT to hope for two pink lines next Wednesday. But because I’m just kind of done with feeling like I’m stuck in one place. And oh man, am I tired of the whole scheduling rigamarole; juggling life so I can be in Boston early morning for a blood draw, or a wanding, or whatever. I’m done with doctors, with research, with the shots and pills and night sweats from hormones. I’m done with the broken plans, with juggling childcare to get to a transfer.

Over the years, I’ve heard from people that you know when you’re done. When the dread of doing another cycle outweighs the hope, maybe it’s time to walk away.

It’s time for us to walk away.

We had 100% thaw with our embryos, so we have three embryos left. When this cycle fails we’ll have one more to do, which we’ll likely do in January or February next year, given Charlie’s travel schedule. Which is really good; I’d like to take the holidays off, spend time with my family, meet my BFF’s son and new nephew, and focus on my half marathons.

I need a break.

Knowing that we’re nearly there, seeing that light at the end of this long, dark journey. It’s what is getting me through this wait.

You’re almost there, Serenity. Almost there. Just wait it out.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Ug. Just bleh. The waiting. The hoping. The thinking that maybe you can steel yourself enough. It’s awful. It’s not freaking fair. One more week. Fingers crossed.

  2. I’m really happy for you that you’ve finally found your stopping point, though I hope one of these last cycles works out! It really is just too taxing to go through it again and again and again endlessly. Wishing you peace in this 2WW!

  3. I agree that the 2ww sucks in every possible way, especially when hope is fleeting and the process of multiple 2ww has left you depleted.

    Coming to terms can be such a long process of its own, but I am glad that you and your husband are on the same page and now it is about finishing up the leg of the path you are currently on.

  4. You sound so peaceful, compared to previously cycles.

  5. You do sound like you’re doing a lot better, but I really feel for you because I know what it’s like to be where you are now. Hang in there, and I will continue to hope for you.

  6. Glad you have had good experiences with the PIO! I tend to get a lot of painful lumps after about a week of it, which makes it hard to find new places to inject it each night.

    Thinking of you (and my test is next Thurs… agh!). It drives me crazy how often I hear that a frozen cycle is supposed to be so much “easier” — because it really never is for me. A cycle is a cycle is a cycle, you know?

    I had been thinking about squeezing in one more FET before Christmas if this one doesn’t work, but your post makes me wonder about that. Maybe I owe it to myself to step back and enjoy that time with my family instead of feeling so dang rushed to get through it. Good food for thought. So thank you.

  7. I found PIO to be easier than anticipated, too.

    So glad to see you getting to a better place, even if it’s not where you wanted to be.

  8. I’m glad you’re moving towards a place of peace, even if it isn’t where you wanted to be. I know you thought you were done before and then discovered you weren’t, but it sounds like you’re really done now.

    I’m still hoping you get the best possible outcome from these last two cycles.

    Glad the PIO shots are working out. I’d like to say you’ve inspired me to try to do them myself when we go back to the clinic, but I don’t think I could stomach it.

    xoxo
    T.


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