Anticipation.September 19, 2012 at 6:36 am | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), The End of Trying | 8 Comments
PIO is WAY easier than I anticipated. I’m still doing the injections myself, and though the left side is harder than the right (since I am VERY not left handed), it’s much less painful than it was that first week, when Charlie was doing it.
I’m kind of surprised at little it sucks in comparison to what I dreaded in my years of fertility treatments, actually.
And it made me think about the fact that I tend to get anxiety over the ANTICIPATION of some sort of Suck.
Like right now.
I can’t say that either Charlie or I have much hope that this cycle will work. And I don’t say that to be self-pitying, either. We’ve been saying this time around, hey, we were really lucky when we got pregnant, huh?
But I think the fact that we didn’t actually get pregnant on a picture perfect cycle last time made us realise the truth of that statement. And something has shifted in us since then. We’re finally acknowledging, you know, we might never be pregnant again.
The grief I’ve felt in the past few months has been acute, and real, and awful. It’s like I was grieving in anticipation of being done.
And now? Well, I’m left with just Being Done.
This 2ww absolutely sucks, I’m not going to lie. Not because I’m hopeful and scared and excited and trying NOT to hope for two pink lines next Wednesday. But because I’m just kind of done with feeling like I’m stuck in one place. And oh man, am I tired of the whole scheduling rigamarole; juggling life so I can be in Boston early morning for a blood draw, or a wanding, or whatever. I’m done with doctors, with research, with the shots and pills and night sweats from hormones. I’m done with the broken plans, with juggling childcare to get to a transfer.
Over the years, I’ve heard from people that you know when you’re done. When the dread of doing another cycle outweighs the hope, maybe it’s time to walk away.
It’s time for us to walk away.
We had 100% thaw with our embryos, so we have three embryos left. When this cycle fails we’ll have one more to do, which we’ll likely do in January or February next year, given Charlie’s travel schedule. Which is really good; I’d like to take the holidays off, spend time with my family, meet my BFF’s son and new nephew, and focus on my half marathons.
I need a break.
Knowing that we’re nearly there, seeing that light at the end of this long, dark journey. It’s what is getting me through this wait.
You’re almost there, Serenity. Almost there. Just wait it out.
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