Zen.

September 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2 | 16 Comments

I’m so humbled by everyone’s reaction to yesterday’s post.

And so, so thankful for all of you.

_____________________________

So yes, by the end of last week I really had a feeling that maybe the cycle had worked.

The only problem: I didn’t think I could really trust my “symptoms.” Medications are so tricky. And remember last cycle, where I full on was convinced it had worked – right up until the moment the nurse said, I’m sorry, I don’t have good news today… when she called with my beta results?

I had this whole sybil thing going on, I’d start to think about being pregnant and what that would mean for my fall races, and when I’d tell my family, and how we’d tell Lucky…

… And I’d shake my head and laugh, reminding myself that I didn’t know anything yet.

Symptoms? My chest is sore, super sore on the outsides and on the nipples as well. My digestive system has really slowed down as well, which really only happened when I was pregnant with Lucky. And my heart rate has felt high enough that I feel like I’m exerting the same amount of energy rolling over in bed at night as running 3 miles. And I seem to be having hot flashes, where I’m sweaty and feel kind of yucky for a moment. When I take off my sweatshirt, though, then I’m freezing. So having a bit of a hard time with internal temperature control.

So yeah. Currently I’m pregnant. Kind of crazy. πŸ™‚

(I did poas again today – second line as well, about the same darkness as yesterday. I’m kind of having fun with the pee sticks. It’s not every day I get to see a second line. :))

______________________________

I ran 21 miles last week. Yes, nice and slow and steady, but I did them.

When I got the positive hpt? I celebrated with a joyful 5 mile run.

My current plan is to continue running through this pregnancy. I have a half marathon I’m running with Heather this coming Sunday. It’s flat, and we’ll run a nice relaxed conversational pace. Given my experience last weekend, I’ll bring extra nutrition and take extra water at the stops. And I’ll walk whenever I feel like I need it, too.

But truthully, I don’t think there’s a real reason to stop running. My body is used to a certain threshold of activity, and I have been running long enough to know when I’m pushing the pace and stressing my body. And even this week, I’ve seen a difference. The first few miles this week have been tough, so I take it much slower than I would normally, until I feel better. And I make sure I hold back even when I’m feeling GOOD – I want to be able to hold a conversation.

After this half this weekend, I don’t intend on training for anything else. I think I’ll keep up with 20-30 miles a week if I’m feeling up for it.

If I’m not? Then I won’t.
______________________________

The thing is, when I got pregnant with Lucky, I was scared the whole time. THE. WHOLE. TIME. I had so much baggage – I didn’t believe I was worthy enough of being a mom, I felt like our pregnancy was sneaking around the Universe’s back or something. Like, at any moment, I could be punished and have it all taken away from me.

And so my pregnancy with him was full of fear and anxiety.

I don’t want that now. I don’t want to spend my days worrying about what I can or can’t do to affect the outcome I want. If things go well, and I end up with a baby in 2013, it will be my last pregnancy. I want to enjoy it as much as I can.

And that’s why I want to keep running. That’s why I’m playing with pee sticks right now. It’s why I’ve used the words “I’m pregnant” in this post. It why I’m savoring the thrill of waking my husband up and surprising him with a BFP on Sunday. It’s why I remain calm.

I know there are so many steps that we need to go through to bring home a baby next year. SO many things need to line up.

But this has been two years coming: two years of treatments, of taking breaks, of looking at our life now and accepting that, okay, if we’re meant to be parents to our one amazing little boy, so be it. There’s nothing we can – or can’t do – to effect any sort of outcome. We can just keep trying and working through stuff and moving forward.

And OMG I am just so thrilled to have gotten to this next STEP. I mean, seriously, people. This is AWESOME. So maybe I’m just in a bubble of positive HPT happiness right now, too.

But at the end of the day, no matter what happens with this pregnancy? I’m going to be okay. That much I know.

So. Waiting for my 16dpo beta. And peeing on sticks in the meantime. πŸ™‚

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16 Comments »

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  1. 20-30 miles a week?? My Gosh… you are wonder woman! I am so happy for you. I came feel the sense of peace coming through your words

  2. I am so happy to see you so happy.

    Glad to know you are easing back on the pace with your runs. I agree that stopping entirely doesn’t make sense, but am feeling more at ease knowing you aren’t going to push yourself.

    SO happy for you.
    xoxo
    T.

  3. If you keep saying “I am pregnant” to yourself every day, after about 6 months it’ll start to seem real. πŸ™‚ (maybe)

    And the running is totally fine. I’m glad you’re still doing it. Although, don’t feel guilty if you can’t for awhile. I am, of course, not nearly the runner you are, but I had to stop completely for weeks 6-12 of this pregnancy. I needed all my free time to nap. Now it’s mainly my work schedule getting in the way, but I still manage to go about once a week. Like you said, just listen to your body. Don’t worry about your speed. A healthy body means a healthy place for your baby to grow. I tell myself this whenever I exercise.

    Yay. πŸ™‚

  4. Crap. I’m behind. And crying I’m so happy for you!!!! Can’t not WAIT to hear about your beta.

  5. Yay! So happy for your happiness…and GO PIO! I’m convinced that’s what made a difference for me, hopefully it has made a difference for you too!

  6. You sound terrific. I hope you’ll be able to really enjoy this pregnancy! I’m crossing my fingers for a healthy singleton so that you can keep up with your running. : )

  7. Yay! I’m so happy for you. Truly, I just beyond thrilled. It makes me smile a big smile both inside and out to read this. WHOOO hoooo!

  8. I had a plan to stay active during my second pregnancy too…then vomited my way through the entire thing. πŸ˜‰ Fail! Ah well, was worth it. Glad you’re going into all of this with a good attitude. And, I hope you have enough symptoms that you feel reassured but not so many that you’re miserable! πŸ™‚ Good luck on Wednesday!

  9. I really hope you can enjoy this one to the full, sensible running and all. Can’t wait to hear your beta.

  10. I am so happy for you I’m having a smiley cry moment – I’m excited for beta day!!

  11. Love the attitude, hon. Why not just enjoy the moment and be happy. πŸ™‚ Cannot wait for Beta!

  12. Wow Serenity. I am thrilled for you. I hope you get to savor it all the way. Be happy…you deserve it!

  13. Awesome amazing news Serenity! I’m just catching up on blog news this week so “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” from NZ πŸ™‚

  14. Holy crap, this is awesome news. Congrats, lady! I am so inspired by your running while doing this. I feel so imprisoned in fear all the time with all of this — did I lift something too heavy? Should I not have eaten that hamburger bun? When the truth is, living this way not only doesn’t *feel* good to me, but it also hasn’t really seemed to transform me into some awesome fertile vessel either. So WTF.

    Anyway, thanks for making me smile.

  15. Glad you’re feeling good and plan to keep running. I spent my 1st pregnancy (off the back of 4yrs of IF, and an untested UU) completely and utterly terrified. I’ve been lucky enough to have success again, and it’s been an amazingly different experience to be without fear. I hope the same for you.

  16. Serenity, I totally missed this!! SOOOOO happy!! I think you’re right … your body is used to running, and that is the home where this little life decided to take up residence. So if you feel like running, run. Sending you a HUGE hug!!


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