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October 4, 2012 at 1:02 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 5 Comments

Confession: I’m not THAT zen about this whole early-pregnancy-thing as my recent posts might make you think.

My SIL gave me a bunch of her old internet cheapy pg tests, last week when we had dinner together. And though I don’t need them every day, there are days I DO.

Like yesterday. My BFF had her baby boy on Tuesday night, and I went to go visit them. And I got to hold her day old son, which was a LOT awesome but also totally crazy.

Because, gosh. It’s been SO LONG since I’ve held a brand new baby. (As an aside? I forgot how LITTLE they make them.)

I got home, and I was feeling kind of insecure. Because honestly, I don’t feel that much right now. And sometimes it plays with my head.

So I decided to pee on a stick.

The line showed up immediately. Nice and dark and strong.

And I felt better. Okay, yes, you can trust your body. Just keep breathing, Serenity. Nothing you can do but wait it out.

Zen can be fleeting, apparently.

___________________________

The other thing I’m kind of struggling with right now?

Food choices.

The food that sounds good to me right now? Carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Cheese and crackers. Popcorn chips. Multigrain chips. Pizza. Mini bagels and peanut butter. Pasta. Saltines. Garlic bread. Pretzels (the soft kind). Candy. Chocolate.

Sweet crunchy salty… yum.

Yeah, you get the picture. And the thing I realized a few years ago, when I changed my habits and lost 25lbs?

Carbs are not my friend. When I eat them, I’m ALWAYS HUNGRY.

Like ravenously hungry.

Like keep-your-babies-away-from-me-because-I-might-eat-them hungry.

Which, not shockingly, continues to be true.

Therefore, in the past week, I’ve had a number of days where I’ve simply eaten too much. I am trying to listen to my body and eat when I’m hungry, not when I’m bored, or tired.

But I’m hungry all the time, it seems. And since I can’t exercise right now, given my bum ankle… well, it’s not good for me to sit and eat as much as I want.

So I downloaded an app which will help me keep track of my calories. Not to LOSE WEIGHT, mind you. But to help me pay attention to how many calories I’m ingesting.

Also? I just have to do a little more research and find foods that help fulfill my carb desires but are healthy and high fiber, too. Like, for example. I’m looking at this recipe for breakfast this weekend.

I also really, really need to focus on filling up on veggies. I’ve been adding baby spinach to pretty much everything lately – my pasta, a couple of leaves on my cheese and crackers, on my morning egg wrap – and last night I made sure I ate a full serving of the veggie side before I ate my ‘real’ dinner.

And yes, focusing on portion size. It’s okay if I need to eat MORE often – and more carbs, too! I just need to make sure that I’m focused on smaller portions.

(This, btw, happened early on with Lucky, as well. I gained a lot of weight early on, before the heartburn made it nearly impossible to eat real food at the end.)

It’s a struggle, but I am trying to remain balanced about the whole Eating Thing.

If this works out, I’m going to gain weight. Period.

___________________________

I still haven’t called my mother. I’m thinking I’ll do it this weekend, and it’ll be a quick call.

I’ll be honest: I don’t really want to hear her excuses.

But at the same time, I do want to tell her how I feel. I want her to understand that I disagree with her choice to stay in Texas over Christmas, especially this year when my sister and new nephew will be in Florida and we might be able to celebrate his adoption. I want her to understand that allowing the world to revolve her “issues” means she drops the ball on the responsibilities to her children and grandchildren.

I know. I can’t control her choices. I can’t change her. But I want to tell her it anyway. For my OWN peace of mind. I’m sick of everyone, including my father, humoring her. I’m sick of her selfishness.

(See, and this is why I haven’t called. Because I keep getting angry whenever I think about it.)

I will have to put on my big girl panties and call her eventually.

I kind of just don’t wanna.

__________________________

I also kind of wish I wasn’t so boring right now.

Anyone want to suggest a topic for me to blog about? 🙂

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5 Comments »

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  1. Not boring! I don’t think anybody is going to get sick of you blogging about pregnancy. Nobody. 🙂

    I don’t know what to tell you about the carbs thing, except the cliche “every pregnancy is different.” I’ve craved a lot of carbs the past few months, but it’s been more than compensated for by the competing feelings of ‘everything makes me nauseous’ and ‘I am too tired to go get food.’ I have not been doing much pregnancy-related blogging myself lately, but so far, at 22 weeks, my weight gain totals 3 pounds. So I would say if you’re really hungry, don’t worry too much. As long as the carbs you’re eating are healthy-ish, it’s probably okay. (when I was pregnant with J, we somehow ended up with a freezer FULL of day-old pastries from Au Bon Pain that they’d given away for free. It’s a long story. I blame that for at least 10 pounds.).

    And the one thing I’d say about your mom is that you are not going to change the way your dad interacts with your mom. They’ve probably been married close to 40 years now, right? Not going to change. (I find myself frequently explaning this to my sisters, who are not married and don’t get it.). So that’s one thing to just let go, at least.

  2. I don’t think you’re boring at all. I love to read about all this. I love to read about you being pregnant.

    And I think you should talk to your mom, but then again I’m all about confronting people. I think that can be really important to your own self- care.

    When is your first scan? I hate the early weeks of pregnancy, so uncertain. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well. Eek!

  3. It sounds like things are coming along as they should and I am glad that Friday is almost here (I think you have an u/s or repeat beta or is that not until the 9th?).

    I try try try to maintain a positive mentality given my own situation (and lack of control over it) and mostly succeed, but, always in the back of my mind is “will today be the day that my cervix gives way?” “that my water will break?”. It is hard, but each day is one more day.

    Hang tight

    • Not til Tuesday, actually. :\ Not too far away, though, all things considered.

  4. Congratulations! How exciting.. I’m 26 weeks myself and am aiming for a natural birth. If this is something you’ve considered, I invite you over to my blog.. : ) I look forward to your journey!


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