Well, That Didn’t Go Well.

October 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm | Posted in My life, rants | 11 Comments

So I put my big girl panties on and called my mom.

Because I was thinking about it, and every time I got angry I remembered my sister’s sadness, how she told me she didn’t really want to tell my new nephew that his new grandparents weren’t going to be there, and how she “couldn’t tell Mom,” she just let it be.

And so I decided I’d focus on that. Not my own anger at her lame excuses. Just how disappointed my sister is and how I’d like for her to reconsider.

I wasn’t very successful in staying not-angry, I will be honest.

When she said, in response to me telling her that my sister was really upset she couldn’t be there: I don’t have a CHOICE! I got angry.

And I reminded her that she did, in fact, have a choice. She was MAKING the choice not to come. Because last I looked, there were physical therapists in Florida. And she can miss 2 sessions, do those exercises on her own, too. I mean, it’s a THUMB.

And I mentioned that, you know, it always seemed like it was something. She didn’t want to go to my cousin’s wedding in DC this summer because of her allergies. And now this? Seemed like they were excuses to me.

And then I asked, How are you going to build a relationship with your grandkids when you don’t come to family functions?

That’s when she told me that she wasn’t going to talk to me about it anymore right now.

And she hung up on me.

______________________

I confess, right now?

I’m done. Done. I honestly don’t care if I ever speak with her again. I want her out of my life.

I know, it sounds like I’m overreacting. (And maybe I am.)

But I’m so tired of trying to maintain a relationship with someone I don’t really even LIKE.

I’m done with all the years she made me feel awful about myself, like I never measured up.

I’m tired of spending money to fly there, only to have to deal with the anxiety beforehand of how to handle her without getting angry.

I’m done with it all.

For me, personally? I really don’t care to have a relationship with her. And I refuse to put myself out to forge a relationship with her grandson, too. If she truly cared, she’d forge a relationship with Lucky on her own. I wouldn’t have to manipulate it.

For so long now, I’ve maintained this semblance of a relationship with my mother because I’ve had this feeling. Family is important. Really important.

To me, anyway.

Apparently not to my mother.

So yeah. I’d say that didn’t go well at all.

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11 Comments »

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  1. Serenity-
    Sorry that this happened….You said yourself that you can’t change her, but only how you choose to deal with her…You have to find a way to forgive her so YOU can move on…If being done with her will TRULY give you peace, then that is an option, but I have a sneaking feeling it won’t. She knows she treated you shitty, as a MOM now you know this..we analyze EVERYTHING…She’s probably feeling guilty, but too proud to admit it…All you can do is be the best daugher you can be (and avoidance may have to be that answer), wife, mother, sister and aunt. Give your nephew the love so we will NEVER even know that there are Grandparents who don’t care. Focus on what you do have and what you don’t. You can’t control Mom and don’t let her control you ANY LONGER!!!

    Again, I’m so sorry….Leslie B.

  2. Ugh, I’m sorry it’s all so difficult. XOXO

  3. Ugh, I so wanted to share my experience prior to you making that call, but also did not want to project my situation on to you. And, I also know, we all have to find the boundaries of what we will accept ourselves.

    Maybe your mom will come around, maybe not, either way, that is on her. And, I, too, put so much pressure on myself to ensure that my mom had a relationship with my son until I realized that that was her responsibility not one that she could put on me. We are EACH responsible for our own relationships and nothing relieved me more than when I backed off trying to manufacture a relationship for the two of them. We are 10 months estranged, 10 months since they’ve seen their “other” grandson. He’s had a 5th birthday and started kindergarten with no contact from them whatsoever. I would have NEVER stood in the way of them seeing him and, in fact, said to my mother that I would support whatever relationship she wanted to have with her grandson even if she couldn’t manage one with me, but that it was up to her to put forth the effort. And, guess what? She never has. They live 3 miles from us, see my sister and her kids DAILY, but us? Nope.

    I am so sorry, really, because it sucks. And, worse, it’s not popular to not have a relationship with one’s parents. But, sometimes, just the time apart does good.

  4. Sorry about your mom. I know how it is. It is funny how we are told that all we need to do in relationships is be honest. But it seems anytime I have been honest to family about such things–it never goes well. So, like you, I have given up. Used to call my dad every couple weeks, tell him about our lives, etc. Got tired of him NEVER asking how my kids were doing, how we were doing. F. him. I call whenever and I feel no attachment to him–and you know, it is his fault that he doesn’t bother to know is grandchildren. And your mom has to own up to her own issues…or else she will not know hers either. ((HUGS))

  5. Oh Serenity, I’ve been there. A thousand and one times. *hugs*

    Does your therapist have any insight as to why your mom is the way she is? Was their something tramatic in her life? Some type of mental illness? Not that any of those things would be an excuse, but it can help to give some perspective.

    I’ve gone for months without talking to my mom and have ultimately left many parts of our relationship in her hands because I simply could not take it all anymore. However, at the end of the day, she’s still my mom and it makes it impossible for me to separate from her completely.

    I guess what ultimately keeps me in the relationship is the thought of one of my own kids having these types of feelings about me in the future. I can’t imagine that actually happening (and I am doing everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t) but if it does, I can’t imagine being estranged from them at any point in my life. Granted, it doesn’t sound like either of our moms feel that way — but it’s what ultimately keeps me coming back for more.

  6. I’ve been in Lucky’s shoes. I was (am?) the grandchild of a woman who made it clear that a relationship with me and my siblings was never a priority. We couldn’t often get to her (we lived in NYC/NJ and she in Florida), and she never tried to come to us. There were even times when she was in the NYC area and we didn’t see her. If it’s any consolation, I wasn’t harmed by it in any real way at all. I was lucky to have enough love from other grandparents and other people in my life, and so I can say with certainty that it was her loss, not mine. If this turn of events means a similar fate for Lucky and your new nephew, it will sadden you and your sister for sure, but Lucky and new nephew will be fine because their lives are filled with so many people who love them that your mother’s absence will largely go unnoticed.

  7. She sounds terribly selfish and is probably the kind of person you wouldn’t want Lucky to be forging any bonds with if she weren’t family. I learned long ago that biology doesn’t equal love. I have friends that I would go to the ends of the earth for, and family members I wouldn’t go to the gas station for. It’s sad that it is a parent/grandparent relationship that is lacking though. She has had how many years to get close to Lucky now?? I doubt it will happen and Lucky will be just fine because he is surrounded by people that love him and will nurture him. Actually…grandma is the one who loses out……all the way around.

  8. Today is my mom’s bday and my son did make a card that I mailed to her. By contrast, my sister posted to FB (they are apparently celebrating at her house), ‘happy birthday to the best mom and grandma, we are so blessed to have you’.

  9. My mom just isn’t in to being my mom or a grandmother to her grandchildren-my children. I believe that, I am okay with that-but ONLY in the last year-and with counseling. I don’t know about you-but when she would do crap like this-I’d just feel like the little girl I was-just standing around wanting her to love me-sounds so cheesy maybe-but true. Then she did something that really pissed me off (said she was coming to see grandkids and DIDN’t) and I don’t know- that was it. I can’t tell you how at peace I am (most of the time.) Two potentially assivceish things- my counselor said that like so many adult children-“I kept going to the well where there wasn’t any water.” For me, it was like ripping off the bandaid time and time again. Until, I swllowed that crappy pill-my mom doesn’t want to be my mom. She’s too self-involved to be my mom-that will never change.
    You probably know this too-but my last assvice-
    DETACH
    (Don’t Even Think About Changing Her).

  10. I’ve been reading your posts on this but haven’t commented because I’m going through something similar with my parents and am in a very ungenerous place right now about parents who choose to act like this.

    But I did want to say that it’s a two way street. I think you have been traveling down road enough and it’s definitely her turn.

  11. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. I have a lot of similar issues with my family and I so so get it. Much love ❤


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