Silver Linings.

October 5, 2012 at 8:15 am | Posted in My life, rants | 1 Comment

The irony about my angry, bitter, “I’m done post” yesterday, was that, not even minutes after I hit the “publish” button, the anger completely melted away and I started to worry.

Was I being too hard on my mother? Maybe her doctor had actually TOLD her not to travel. Maybe this wasn’t an excuse, and I completely overreacted.

But then I talked with my sister, who thanked me for looking after her, and probably she should have been the one to tell Mom how upset she was, but that she really appreciated me “taking one for the team.”

And then my brother called me, after my sister had talked with him, and he had the same anger.

What it stems from, for us, is this. My sister is a mom. And she wants to share it with her family, and have everyone meet my new nephew.

And it seems that our mother doesn’t really give a shit.

He told me he was going to call them, too. And I told him maybe not to call mom, to try our father instead. And we agreed that Dad would at least give us the facts and be rational about the whole thing.

After talking with my siblings last night, I felt SO MUCH BETTER about the whole debacle. My brother thanked me, too, for bringing it out in the open.

You’re the fighter. For all of us, Serenity, he said. Thanks.

So yeah. It’s clear to me this morning that I am still captive to my anger when it comes to my mother.

Forgiveness is a word that, right now, I can’t even fathom. Detachment, though? It’s something I need to work on. I clearly can’t change her.

But I also can’t keep going through these emotional battles where she’s concerned, either.

As much as I’d LIKE to write her out of my life, it’s not really the right choice. Partly because I KNOW she loves me and Charlie and Lucky; not enough to get on a plane and come see us, not enough to work at forging a relationship, but she DOES care.

Partly because I don’t want to put other people in my family in an awkward position, either.

Because I’ve lived that. When I was in fifth grade, when my maternal grandmother passed away suddenly, my mother and godmother had a knock down, drag out fight over my grandmother’s belongings. Judy and my mom didn’t talk for years, until my grandfather nearly died during an angioplasty and begged them to make things right when he was recovering.

I don’t want the whole “not speaking” thing to take over our family like it did back then. It was a lot of awful, really.

That said?

I have no intention of calling her back.

I expect what will happen is that she’s going to text all of us with her surgery date, and then pretend like nothing happened. And she’ll do her surgery and skip Florida. And I have no idea when we’ll see them next. Maybe we can go to Florida in the spring and visit when they can manage to get there. Maybe we won’t.

But what I know is that I have work to do when it comes to my reactions and my mother.

My mother will not change. My anger will do nothing but destroy me; force me to run headlong into a brick wall over and over and over again.

I need to learn how to detach, emotionally, from all this baggage and history and expectations and hopes.

In the meantime, I am so, so thankful for my brother and my sister. And you all, who remind me that I’m not the only one with a batshit crazy mother.



1 Comment »

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  1. You have a lot of other stress at the moment, too – that must be feeding into it, not helping you to stay calm about things.

    It would be much simpler if everyone just got along. But I think you’re right that your mother will not change, or at least you shouldn’t count on it. So whether it’s fair or not you do need to be the one to work on managing your reactions so you don’t end up feeling miserable. In the best case, you might even find a way to manage her a bit better, so she ends up being easier for you all to live with. But I can’t give you any tips there – I only say this as someone who’s witnessed the way some people have a skill of handling others, even those difficult souls who can’t seem to get along with anyone else easily. Of course, the first step would be managing themselves, I suppose.

    But just at the moment it sounds like you need to focus on getting through the next week, and I’m not sure whether or not trying to figure out a solution to the mother situation will help you there. It certainly pushes a lot of very old, powerful buttons.

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