Elusive Hope.

October 6, 2012 at 8:08 am | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu) | 9 Comments

So the bleeding incident yesteday culminated in me passing a small clot. From there, the blood turned brown.

Today it’s just brown spotting.

A commenter mentioned that this isn’t exactly like last time; my betas started higher. That’s true.

I had forgotten that my betas this time around were higher than November 2010, so I suppose when I mention it’s deja vu, I can limit it only to the bleeding. I did not have any bleeding with Lucky’s pregnancy, so I see blood and assume it’s over.

I confess I lost hope the moment I saw the blood. And now, waiting, well, it kind of just seems cruel. And I’m tense and just kind of want to know if it’s over.

But. A commenter mentioned it could be my progesterone levels. I know very little about progesterone, since my old clinic never seemed to care about it. But this clinic measured my progesterone levels the day of the transfer and I was at 29.9. No idea if they go down or whatever, but that was good enough for my clinic to keep me on the 1cc of PIO.

The irony of this happening is that am running low on meds right now. After yesterday’s incident, I wasn’t going to call until it was confirmed on Tuesday that this might be viable, but I’m thinking if we need to do another cycle next year anyway (we still have 3 embryos), then I’d likely be on the same protocol. So I think I’ll put an order in now. Maybe I should up my dose to 1.5ccs, just in case?

I don’t know. Honestly, I’m kind of loathe to do anything right now. I hate that I was full of hope yesterday and now have zero. I hate that this is so hard. I hate that I won’t know anything until Tuesday.

But that’s just kind of how things go for us, reproductively, I guess.

There’s still hope. I know this. It’s proving elusive for me right now. But I love that you all are holding out hope FOR me. That is what I love, love, LOVE about this community.

I promise I’ll keep you all posted.




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  1. I’m totally holding lots of hope over here!!! And praying HARD.

  2. Oh S, I hate that you’re going through this right now. That kind of limbo is a tortuous hell. I understand how elusive hope must seem but I have hope enough for both of us. So you feel whatever you want and I’ll do the hoping over here. 😉 (((((HUGS))))))

  3. For this early on, 29.9 is a great P4 level, so I think staying with the current dose is good. That you are on injectable P4 is helpful.

    Holding on for you til Tuesday (but fully support you going in on Monday for you mental health if need be).

  4. this happened to me early in my pregnancy with N., too, and I almost lost it. Breathe. I will send muffins and tea if you send me your snail mail offline. xo

  5. This is exactly what happened to me with Sam. Exactly. So many hugs.

  6. I have so much hope for you and for this pregnancy. In my second pregnancy, I had enough bleeding I thought it was my period (I didn’t know I was pregnant, if I had I’d have been freaking the hell out) – which threw my LMP estimates all off, and only learned with the u/s how far along I was. It really threw me to learn that I’d bled that much at 4 weeks without it impacting the pregnancy, or baby, as far as we know, at all. So. Lots of hope. Hang in there. Hugs too.

  7. You remain in my thoughts. XOXO

  8. I had a bleeding incident early on in my pregnancy with my older son. I was maybe 6 weeks along. It was a Sunday morning, I FREAKED out, I called my clinic while muttering to myself how I knew it wouldn’t last, and it turned out to be an irritated cervix issue. You really never know, honestly. Still holding on to hope over here.

  9. I know this is easier said from an outside perspective (because I would be freaking the hell out too if it were me), but I’m still confident in this pregnancy for you. I know SO many people who bled during pregnancy of an IVF cycle. SO. FREAKIN’. MANY. I never had IVF, but seriously…. it’s ridiculous how many people I know who had bleeding during a pregnancy resulting from IVF. Reasons vary from SCH to random pocket of blood to who-the-hell-knows. I think when we screw with our bodies THAT much to get a pregnancy, it just makes our bodies go, “WTF?! I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here!” Anyway, that’s just my unsolicited assvice. I *heart* you, girl, and I’m truly still optimistic for you. And if I didn’t mean that, I swear I wouldn’t take the time to say it (I hate when people blow sunshine up my ass, I don’t do it to others….).

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