Too Much.

October 8, 2012 at 8:31 am | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2 | 21 Comments

All the progress I have made, emotionally, up to this point?

Is currently null and void.

I feel like I am one step away from a complete breakdown.

Saturday night I completely lost it on Charlie Brown when he said to me, in a moment of anger, after I snapped at him: I am sorry you’re having a bad night, but…

Absolutely. Lost it. I smashed a plastic bowl, I was so angry. I screamed so loudly I was hoarse in minutes.

I am not holding it together very well.

My brother called my mother this weekend – he told me her excuse for hanging up on me was a defiant blame game. I was disrespectful, so that’s why she hung up on me.

Doesn’t matter that pretty much EVERYONE agrees with me. At least my brother and sister do, and they appreciate me for calling mom out on her selfishness. Which, on Thursday night, made me feel better.

This weekend, it doesn’t matter. It will never matter. I’m wrong. My mother is right. This is the way it’s always been.

And right now, I am so angry with her I don’t even know what to do. And I loathe myself for being so upset. I am 36 years old, a career and house and child of my own, and somehow my mother is still fucking calling the shots.

I’m done with allowing her to feel badly about myself, and I want to scream at her and sever our relationship with the bitter truth – that I’m sick of her shit and I never want to see her or hear from her ever again.

This is the culmination of years of baggage between us, clearly. And I need to figure out if that’s really the right choice before I say those words.

______________________

Combine it with the blood, and the (un)certainty that this pregnancy is over.

Again.

Well, it’s just too much for me right now.

Saturday I spotted all day. Brown. Didn’t really even fill a pantyliner. But it was enough. It’s what I get when I’m getting my period – two days before the real AF I get this kind of spotting. It’s over, and my body wants to bleed. Whatever happened in my uterus to kill this particular embryo, it happened a couple of days ago, and great betas doesn’t mean fucking ANYTHING, because right now it’s over.

But the bleeding was killing me. Slowly. So for the past two days I’ve used leftover crinone yesterday during the day AND increased my PIO to 1.5cc at night. Which, of course, stopped the bleeding. Nothing on the pantyliner now, nothing when I wipe.

It’s not going to MATTER, you see. On Tuesday, it’s likely I’ll hear the news that this all stopped sometime last week.

My clinic called me Sunday morning with an offer of a beta. But the offer was caveated that I’d go back in on Tuesday – for a Rhogam shot. I didn’t really understand that – both Charlie and I are RH negative. To which the doctor said, Yes, that shouldn’t make an issue, but we like to be conservative.

What that means? They have no idea what’s going on, but they think my body’s trying to kill off the embryos, too.

I thought about it, long and hard, and asked questions. And what it came down to is that I honestly didn’t want to drive all the hell the way into Boston to get my blood drawn if the answer was still going to be continue your meds and come back in on Tuesday.

I just couldn’t deal with it.

So I opted to wait.

And here I am, the day before. And truthfully, I am terrified to go in for this ultrasound tomorrow. Because as awful as this uncertainty is, right now, I am still pregnant. Even though emotionally and mentally I am pretty sure it’s over, no one has said the words to confirm it.

My “symptoms” – the ones that lessened last week – are back, you see. And I’m now seeing that it’s merely a function of the progesterone. Double the progesterone, and oh HEY! It all comes back.

Except, you know, I can pretend there’s hope. Hey, symptoms! No blood! It’s not over, there’s PLENTY of hope!

It’s such a mindfuck, this whole thing.

I wanted this pregnancy.

I wanted this baby.

At the end of the day, what I want doesn’t fucking matter.

That, apparently, is the story of my life.

Yay me.

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21 Comments »

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  1. Thinking of you. I am so sorry that all of this is happening. Fucking sucks.

  2. I am holding out hope for you.

  3. My heart hurts for you that you have so much to bear right now. I know that the bleeding episode is also fueling the anger toward the situation with your mother (which is not meant to diminish how accurately you’ve assessed your feelings.

    Hopefully these next 24 hrs will pass quickly and you’ll soon have an answer about the progression of your pregnancy. And, while I know how draining unfinished business with family feels, there is no deadline or urgency to dealing with your mother. You don’t need to declare anything (now or ever) but you can insulate yourself from contact with her. Sometimes distance is very helpful in getting perspective on what YOU really want.

    Holding you in hope and love.

  4. I feel your hurt and i wish I could give you a hug. I am holding out hope for you

  5. Oh Serenity. I’m so sorry. For all of it. I’m so sorry you have to go through this shit with your mom and I’m so sorry you have to sit with the uncertainty of this pregnancy. And I’m so sorry it feels like it doesn’t matter what you want. I know that feeling, so, so well. I feel like not only could I have written the last sentences of this post, but that I actually have at some time. I swear I’ve written those exact words. And I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know where I am in my head when I write words like that and I know nothing I can say will make you feel better. Please know that I’m here, hurting–and hoping–with you.

    Sending love and light.

  6. I keep coming back to this post. It is to much. To much at once to deal with.

    Your mom can wait. She has too. No decisions need to be made now.

    As for this pregnancy. It’s not over until you hear otherwise. For now, go with what you know. You are pregnant. Try not to look beyond today. Tomorrow you can deal with what comes and any future implications.

    Horrid situations and I’m sorry you are dealing with both of them. At once.

    You may not get what you want but you are always allowed your feelings.

  7. I don’t read blogs on the weekend and just saw all of this. I am so incredibly sorry you’re having to go through this and dealing with this uncertainty. I know it’s hard to keep that hope up after all you’ve been through and with how much you know, but I’ll continue to hope for you.

  8. Sometimes it IS too much and it’s all we can do to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning to face even the good things we have going on. I’m sorry for all of this. On its own, each thing is bad enough, then when compounded together it just creates this powder keg of emotion. I’m here with you, virtually holding your hand. XOXO

  9. Ugh, this sounds like such an awful combination of events, dealing with all this at once. On a long weekend where you can’t get any testing done earlier. And is Charlie going away for work again this week? Does that mean he won’t be there when you get definitive news? I can see how you’d be feeling just about ready to explode. I am hoping for good news tomorrow, but thinking of you and wishing you strength either way.

    And about your mom, I’ve been thinking about how much eldest siblings feel responsible for their younger ones, and how much more it can hurt when a parent (or anyone) mistreats your younger sibling than if they did the same to you yourself. It’s that protective instinct, the oldest child thing. But I do agree with the others who said you don’t necessarily need to make a proclamation to your mom, just stop calling her and/or trying to see her. Anyway, now is probably not the time in your life for big declarations, whatever you eventually decide.

    Hugs!

  10. I’m not sure how many embryos you transferred but could it be possible it started out as twins? Pray for healthy babe tomorrow!!

  11. Good luck tomorrow. Hoping there’s a miracle!

  12. Thinking of you.

  13. I am holding my breath right now, virtually there with you, holding your hand today. And sending a lot of love.

  14. Holding my breath as well. This lurker is sending every ounce of hope and peace I have your way.

  15. You’re in such a pressure cooker right now… Thinking of you all day today, with bushels of hope.

  16. Good luck tomorrow. The very best of it.

  17. Thinking of you today with hope in my heart. ❤ ❤ ❤

  18. Aw f*ck. I leave the blogland for a few days and am just so devastated to hear this news. But, it isn’t news yet. You just don’t know. I have had a few friends that had bleeding/spotting all through their first trimester. I am hoping for you, but know how scary and terrible right now is.

  19. Checking for update you’re in this stranger’s thoughts 🙂

  20. Thinking of you today Serenity.


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