Wild. Fucking. Ride.

October 9, 2012 at 2:10 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 31 Comments

(Spoiler alert: I am still pregnant.)

This morning, I found myself in the bathroom right next to the ultrasound waiting area, on the floor, in tears.

I can’t do it. I can’t do this.

I texted my friend Heather, who told me that the toilet wasn’t able to tell me anything, and that she was holding my hand.

Walking into that ultrasound area was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

But when the tech called me in, I told her about the cramping and bleeding on Friday night. I even said, I’ll be surprised if you see anything in there.

She went to work. First using the abdominal ultrasound, pressed against me. I closed my eyes and waited.

And then she turned the screen to me, and pointed. See that flicker? That’s a heartbeat.

I literally said, You’re fucking kidding me.

And then I cried.

__________________

I’d love to finish there.

But that was the beginning of the whole thing. During the vaginal u/s they didn’t see a yolk sac. And though they were sure the embryo had a heartbeat, they really didn’t like not seeing it. But they had me get dressed and go back to the waiting room.

Then? The radiologist pulled me into the hall and asked if I could come back in, so the chief of radiology could take a look, too.

Apparently it’s not perfect. The gestational sac is not completely round, it’s got some bumps in it. And because they couldn’t visualize the yolk sac, they couldn’t say definitively that what they were seeing was the embryo. They were concerned that what they thought was the embryo was really the whole sac folding in on itself, especially since I had bleeding this weekend. And they wanted to make sure, instead of giving me (false) good news.

So the radiologist AND the chief of radiology came in and took multiple measurements of the heart rate and compared it against my heart rate. My heart rate was in the 70s, and the flicker was pretty consistently measuring 95-96.

But they want to see me next week, too. That will be more definitive, the chief told me. In general, you need to have a yolk sac to get to the point of a heartbeat. And it could have just been the position of my uterus, or the position of the yolk sac – tucked behind the embryo.

And the radiologist told me, You’ve got a critter in there that’s measuring exactly where it needs to be. And it’s got a heartbeat.

____________________

One word: Cautious.

That about sums up how I’m feeling.

On one hand, going into that ultrasound room I did NOT expect to see anything in my uterus – including a “critter in my uterus – with heartbeat.”

But I also don’t decisively know that the bleeding from Friday wasn’t abnormal, either.

My nurse gave me the go ahead to keep up with the crinone and 1.5cc of PIO every night if it will give me peace of mind. (It will.) I go back in next week.

So I suppose the best I can do is accept that today just bought me another week of pregnancy.

I go back in on Monday, October 16 at 10:30 for another scan.

So yeah. As of right now, I am still pregnant.

That’s something.

So much more than I thought I had this morning before my scan.

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31 Comments »

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  1. From a lurker…..pulling for you and that little critter!

    • Ditto 🙂

  2. I have been alternately checking my email and reader for news from you and, must say, even with their concern over the shape of the sac & inability to see the yolk sac, at this gestation, to see the flicker of a heartbeat is a GREAT sign. So, cautious is fine, one day at a time, you CAN do this.

    I am so sorry you were so panicked but so proud of you for reaching out to a friend & pulling yourselft through.

    I am PULLING for you with eeverything I’ve got!

  3. That happened to me-and it turned out it was just too early. For the record-its really, real shitty you can’t just be pregnant- No spotting no u/s drama. Really, really shitty and unfair. I’m so sorry.

  4. Another lurker here, who had a wonkily-shaped and freakily contracting (even at 8 weeks) gestational sac as well. It scared me to death, but it was not a problem in terms of the pregnancy (the product of which is now five years old). I’m so hoping for the same outcome for you!

  5. It never ceases to amaze me the many ways the universe can come up with, to fuck with your mind. Having said that, I think not seeing a yolk sac is better (if that’s the word for it) than not seeing a heartbeat. Add on top of that, that the little critter is measuring where it should be and I am going to bet on the the yolk sac hiding. I hope you get the definitive answer you need next week. xoxoxo

  6. Wow. Wild ride indeed. Going into that ultrasound must’ve been terrifying. I am so glad to hear there’s a heartbeat, though, even if things are a little abnormal. That is a huge relief! I’m glad you get to go back in next week and hope things are looking even better then.
    (and now that I can stop obssessively hitting refresh, I need a new excuse for not doing any work today)

  7. Spoiler alert-Assvice ahead.
    When I was going through my chemical pregnancies-a fellow blogger told me what helped them- which was what helped *me-* There’s a heartbeat-no question-there’s no other explanation for the beautiful little flickr. You have a little living being inside of you-who can feel love-so love him or her-they’ll feel your warmth. I even talked to the little one-I probably sound crazy-which is ironic because that’s what caused me to stay sane.

  8. Super Critter!

  9. A heartbeat is good – really good. I hope that can be enough to calm your mind for the time being… easier said than done. I will be thinking of you and hoping that your next ultrasound will be more reassuring! Grow baby grow!!

  10. Woot! Thanks for updating us! I’ve been wondering all day what kind of news you’d have to share. I have to admit, I was pretty sure you were still pregnant so I’m feeling pretty smug right how. 😉 I hope all looks well next week. Congratulations!

  11. I have been refreshing this page periodically all day to hear this update. I am happy that for now you can cautious and not devestated. I hope that next week you can be happy!

  12. I’ve been worrying about you all weekend. A heartbeat is great. Awesome!

    And I had a huge amount if bleeding when I was pregnant with Maggie, and then it just stopped. They saw the heartbeat(s) and heber had another issue. Deep breath. You are good.

  13. Good lord — just when I thought I’d seen every way these early-pregnancy days can be uncertain and scary, here’s a new one. Your poor woman! What a day this must’ve been. I am so proud of you for getting out of that bathroom, though. What an awesome friend.

    My gut feeling is that getting a heartbeat this early is a very, very good thing. And that, combined with your stellar beta numbers, is some powerful evidence that you’ve got something very promising happening here. I’m so glad some commenters have chimed in with experiences with the sac — that would reassure me greatly!

    Thinking of you, lots, as you get through this next week. My “big verdict ultrasound” is Thurs next week… so, yeah, this week kinda sucks. Your news today makes me feel a lot better, though! 🙂

  14. Wow! I’m sorry for all of the uncertainty, but so glad to hear the good news! Been thinking of you all day.

  15. whew. strong little critter- hang in there!

  16. Uncertainty sucks ass! But a heartbeat is an undeniably wonderful thing.

    I’ll be thinking of you and the critter!!

  17. Glad you got some good news, and hoping for more good news next week.

  18. You are pregnant. There is a heartbeat. I so wish this could just be easy and uncomplicated for you.

  19. Wild ride indeed! I didn’t even know it was possible not to see a yolk sac when there was a critter with a heartbeat. I still feel hopeful for you, but I wish you were dealing with run-of-the-mill early pregnancy uncertainty instead of this extra twist.

  20. wow, I am holdin my breath for you … what a ride… I am hopeful. Hang on

  21. One step at a time, right? Hoping next week is a more definitive answer.

  22. Another step forward. I’ll take it. 🙂

  23. ((HUGS))

  24. Hooray for heartbeat! We’re all here hoping with you.

  25. Ok, hang in there over the next week. This is not bad news, per se, even if a guarantee would have been a million times better. I will keep keeping things crossed that things progress as hoped.

  26. What a roller coaster ride, indeed! Abiding with you through these scary and unpredictable times. Xoxo

  27. Yay for the heartbeat, boo for the roller coaster. Thinking of you and the little one.

  28. Small steps. Right now, I released the breath I was holding for you. Abiding with you for the next few weeks, months, and all the baby steps taking you from point A to point B.

  29. I haven’t been able to comment on the last couple of posts because we were away over Thanksgiving, but I did manage to read them, and I thought about you ALL weekend long. So thankful there is a critter with a heartbeat and that you are still pregnant. Hoping like crazy the next scan looks perfectly normal and you will get a chance to relax.
    xoxo
    T.

  30. Hang in there, hon. xoxo


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