Breathing. Grateful.

October 10, 2012 at 8:51 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 7 Comments

You could probably tell from my posts that I was almost CERTAIN that Friday’s bleeding episode signalled The End. All weekend, I was convinced of it. I untold everyone I had told. And I kinda got mad at people when they didn’t seem to be taking me seriously.

Bleeding, people!!! The last time this happened, it was OVER! Don’t you UNDERSTAND??? I’ve lost THIS PREGNANCY, too.

So hearing something OTHER than It’s over, Serenity was a complete shock. I spent most of my day looking at the ultrasound picture and wondering. Really? Really? This isn’t a joke? There’s an embryo in there?

Today I am grateful.

Grateful that I get another week to be pregnant. Grateful that there’s a little embryo inside me. Not perfect, no. But with a beating heart. A chance. A chance at turning into my son or daughter. I have wanted this chance for SO long, and despaired that maybe it would never happen for us.

And, you know, maybe it WON’T happen. Maybe this won’t go anywhere, and on Monday, or the following week, or some weeks afterwards I will hear, It’s over.

But for now, I’m pregnant. That is something.

And man, I am so grateful for all of you.

I’ve been blogging for what feels like sometimes too long. It’s hard to explain how different it is now in the blogging community; both as a reader and a writer. Twitter and Facebook and all sorts of other social media makes it easy to connect, but hard, sometimes, to get substance.

Because, really. Who has time to sit down with a cup of tea and read, thoughtfully comment, and discuss issues via someone’s blog nowadays? I don’t, not really. Since I hurt my ankle I’ve made time – a half hour every morning with my google reader, clicking through, commenting. But it’s a commitment to do that. And so much easier to think and respond in 140-character sentences than it is to give a good comment sometimes.

It was just so awesome, then, to see how many of you are cheering me on, and hoping for me, and praying. And I can’t thank you enough for the support, and love, and hope.

If this all goes to shit, I know I’m going to be okay. I have my running. (Okay, yeah, well when I CAN actually run again, I’ll have it.) I have Charlie, and my completely exasperating, curious, brilliant, frustrating-as-hell Lucky.

I have a really, really good life.

So. I’m going to keep breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other, and sending love and hope into the little embryo inside me, and see how this all plays out.

In the meantime. Thank you. SO much. For everything.



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  1. We are all holding out hope for you that this will have a happy ending. My bes to you 🙂

  2. Glad to hear those wonderful words, hon! We will abide with you.

  3. I love you lady. And I have so much hope that this is going to be THE ONE. But I also recognize that I REALLY want this for you, and wanting something for someone doesn’t make it so.

    But I can still hope. 😉

  4. Hi there! I found your blog from ICLW. First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! I really hope that everything works out. I know how scary it is waiting to hear news in those early stages. Everything is so uncertain and doctors don’t really ever help with that. I read through a bunch of your older posts and found out that we have a ton in common! I was intrigued when you said you were a runner because, I also used to run (2 marathons!) until RPL took that away 6 months ago. 😦 I hope to go back to it someday. I also used to run in the same running club, so I think we must live fairly close to each other. I also ran in a bunch of the same clinics several years ago. Ahh I miss running so much! Anyways I’d love to get in touch if you are interested! I have only a few friends near me that really get all of this infertility stuff (and running, too). Best of luck to you!!

  5. It just doesn’t seem fair that you’ve had to go through so much to get pregnant and then have it not be a clear, easy, simple pregnancy. You sound like you’ve found a little peace and the ultrasound yesterday with the “beating critter” is such hopeful news. One day at a time. And D@MN sucks about the ankle (my IT band is acting up, so I can’t run either…right when I need it…)

  6. I’m so glad you’re in a better place and I will keep hoping for you!

  7. I am still here cheering for you and your little baby!! Stay strong !

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