Breathing. Grateful.October 10, 2012 at 8:51 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 7 Comments
You could probably tell from my posts that I was almost CERTAIN that Friday’s bleeding episode signalled The End. All weekend, I was convinced of it. I untold everyone I had told. And I kinda got mad at people when they didn’t seem to be taking me seriously.
Bleeding, people!!! The last time this happened, it was OVER! Don’t you UNDERSTAND??? I’ve lost THIS PREGNANCY, too.
So hearing something OTHER than It’s over, Serenity was a complete shock. I spent most of my day looking at the ultrasound picture and wondering. Really? Really? This isn’t a joke? There’s an embryo in there?
Today I am grateful.
Grateful that I get another week to be pregnant. Grateful that there’s a little embryo inside me. Not perfect, no. But with a beating heart. A chance. A chance at turning into my son or daughter. I have wanted this chance for SO long, and despaired that maybe it would never happen for us.
And, you know, maybe it WON’T happen. Maybe this won’t go anywhere, and on Monday, or the following week, or some weeks afterwards I will hear, It’s over.
But for now, I’m pregnant. That is something.
And man, I am so grateful for all of you.
I’ve been blogging for what feels like sometimes too long. It’s hard to explain how different it is now in the blogging community; both as a reader and a writer. Twitter and Facebook and all sorts of other social media makes it easy to connect, but hard, sometimes, to get substance.
Because, really. Who has time to sit down with a cup of tea and read, thoughtfully comment, and discuss issues via someone’s blog nowadays? I don’t, not really. Since I hurt my ankle I’ve made time – a half hour every morning with my google reader, clicking through, commenting. But it’s a commitment to do that. And so much easier to think and respond in 140-character sentences than it is to give a good comment sometimes.
It was just so awesome, then, to see how many of you are cheering me on, and hoping for me, and praying. And I can’t thank you enough for the support, and love, and hope.
If this all goes to shit, I know I’m going to be okay. I have my running. (Okay, yeah, well when I CAN actually run again, I’ll have it.) I have Charlie, and my completely exasperating, curious, brilliant, frustrating-as-hell Lucky.
I have a really, really good life.
So. I’m going to keep breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other, and sending love and hope into the little embryo inside me, and see how this all plays out.
In the meantime. Thank you. SO much. For everything.