October 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Moving On., Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 36 Comments

(aka: How Low Can You Go?)

Today’s scan showed an embryo measuring exactly where it needed to be. It was bigger. I watched it and saw the blip of its beating heart. For a second, I was relieved. Still there. Still beating away.


The heart rate, measured three or four times?


Slower than last week, and much slower than the 120 it needs to be for the gestation.

Still no yolk sac, either.

I have to hand it to the radiologist, who gave it to me straight. The embryo is in there. It’s measuring where it needs to be. But the heart rate is much slower than it needs to be, and slower than last week. Honestly, if pressed, I’d say this seems to be petering out.

And the report was even better: Irregular shaped gestational sac. Heart rate slow (74). No yolk sac visualized.

My doctor seemed confused by the news. Apparently it’s unusual to have an embryo measuring spot on for gestation AND a slow heart rate – usually I guess the development stops first?

At any rate, she told me there wasn’t much that we could do but wait it out.

So lucky me, I get to wait a whole WEEK until the next scan. And, at confirmation of this embryo’s likely demise next week, decide whether to opt for a D&C or miscarry naturally.

I get so fucking sick from anesthesia that I think I’d opt to miscarry.

In the meantime, I wait.

But it’s looking like Mythical #2 will stay mythical.



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  1. Shit.
    I’m so sorry this is going on this way.
    I’m still praying and holding out hope over here.

  2. I still refuse to give up, but I’m sorry this has to be so hard. 😦 Huge hugs coming your way, my friend. XOXO

  3. Oh, Serenity. “Where there’s life there is hope” but feeling gutted for you over here.

  4. I’m sorry it wasn’t clear-cut today, in one direction or the other, and that it’s not looking promising. I hope next week goes better … or at least ends the limbo.

  5. Sorry you’re in a gray area. I hope you get definitive answers next week. Hugs!

  6. I’m thinking of you. What a sucky place to be. Hugs to you Serenity.

  7. I am so sorry for the horrible limbo. This is the most brutal kind of wait. I am still hoping for some good news next week!

  8. Damn. I am so sorry, I was praying for good news.

    FYI, my OB does D&Cs with IV sedation, not anesthesia. Might be worth asking.

    • Yes. My RE confirmed that they’d use the same level of sedation as with a retrieval or a catheterization – both of of which made me sick. I can opt for a local anesthetic and a valium, if I wanted. I think I’d rather not.

  9. Limbo is the worst possible place to be and to have to live there for another week seems cruel, but I also know the more time you give it, the more definitive next week will be.

    My heart is just so heavy for you, not just because of the news from today but for how hard I know this entire journey has been for you and the affect this is having on you.

    Holding you in my best thoughts.

  10. This is so unfair. So unfair! And weird, too, but mostly I am angry for you. Still holding out hope for a miracle, though – it ain’t over til it’s over.

  11. Ugh. This is awful. I am so sorry you are in such a horrible limbo and that nothing can be simple. I’m glad next week will hopefully bring a definitive answer, but wish you could know what is going on sooner. I’m going to keep everything crossed for you.

  12. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!! Fuck. And just for good measure….


  13. Oh my god — this is insane, Serenity. One thing that does give me hope is that if all of this is so out-of-the-norm and puzzling everyone, well then why couldn’t it still baffle everyone with its eventual success? I don’t know… jeez. The cruelness of this just astounds me. Sending many hugs to you from my couch.

  14. This is such a fucking awful limbo to be in. I am so sorry, Serenity. And I want to, need to hope for you. ((HUGS))

  15. I’m so very sorry – this isn’t the news I was hoping for. I wish you didn’t have t go through this.

  16. Ugh. I am so sorry that you now have to deal with a week of limbo upon getting such uncertain news. Thinking of you.

  17. Shit. Limbo sucks, and I’m so sorry you have to spend another week in it after hearing such news.

  18. I am so very sorry. I wish you’d gotten an answer today that was a black and white instead of gray. The worst wait.

  19. I am so sorry you had news that leads to another week of uncertainty. I’m thinking of you and hoping against hope.

  20. Oh Serenity. I’m so sorry. I was holding out hope and this isn’t the news anyone wanted to hear. I’m sorry you’re still in limbo, what a difficult place to be. I hope you get an answer soon. And I hope that answer is that this IS baby number 2.

    Abiding with you.

  21. ugh no no no! I hope you get resolution soon.

  22. I am so sorry. I hope that next week the news is better.

  23. Thinking of you and hoping you get a definitive answer next week, but also a healthy growing peanut at that time.. Saying some prayers!!! HUGS <3<3

  24. Crap. I’m sorry the news wasn’t more definitive.

  25. I’m so sorry that everything’s still up in the air.

  26. This sucks, and I’m so sorry. The waiting is awful, especially with a questionable report.

    thinking of you.

  27. There’s not much to say except I’m sorry Serenity. I’m sorry this couldn’t have been the happy ending to far too much struggle. I am thinking of you.

  28. Flooding you with light, love, strength.

  29. The air just left my chest reading this update, Serenity. Part of it is because it dusts off memories from long ago. I hurt for you, to the quick. I’m holding you in my heart.

  30. Oh no! That sucks so much. Holding out hope for you still, and very sorry you’re in the awful in between place. It’s so unfair.

  31. Guh, I’m so sorry you’re in this sh!tty position. So very sorry.

  32. Oh, no. I’m so sorry it wasn’t better news. Abiding with you during the wait for the next scan….

  33. I’m sitting here remembering the times I got limbo news and feeling the same kick in the gut I did back then. Hugs.

  34. This is so disappointing. I hate that you are being kept on this rollercoaster after a BFP at long last. I haven’t had much time for commenting this past week, but I have been keeping you in my thoughts, Serenity — and that little embryo, too.

  35. I’m not one to normally hold out false hope, but when I was going thru infertility, miscarriage, and early beta hell when I finally did get pregnant again, my mom (who is a nurse practitioner) reminded me of something that I will pass along to you…..
    Most “normal” early pregnancies never have betas, ultrasounds, etc. Only those of us “fortunate” ones get to have this. So who really knows what “average” is? Yolk sacs usually appear by 6 weeks, but maybe yours will be a little later. Again, not trying to give you false hope….hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Sending you a virtual hug with fingers crossed…..

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