Ebbs and Flows.October 17, 2012 at 11:55 am | Posted in Heartbreak, Moving On., Pregnancy | 13 Comments
Spotting started up again yesterday afternoon. It’s light, and pink, and not very much at all. But it’s blood. The radiologist was a little rough with the abdominal probe, yes, but at the end of the day, I think my body has known from the start that this wasn’t a pregnancy which was going to last.
I cried a lot last night.
I cried in anger, from the unfairness of it all.
I cried because I had spent a week thinking that this little embryo inside me was getting stronger.
I cried with grief, because those first few moments when I saw the little being inside me, something tugged at my heart. Hi, Baby, I thought.
I cried because I’m so tired of Fail. Of seeing our hope dashed to pieces.
I cried because I can’t fathom starting over again.
I cried for the baby that will never be.
I cried for the inevitable extinguishment of life inside me, for the soul that will never be.
I cried for all the Fail we’ve experienced in the whole of trying to build our family, the grief of years of pain and loss.
And then I took a unisom and slept.
And this morning, I stayed in bed until Lucky got up. And he and I snuggled together in our cold house while he decided if he wanted to get dressed into real clothes, since his underwear and pajama bottoms were a little bit wet from not making it to the bathroom quickly enough.
Since I’m spotting, a swim was out. So I dressed in running clothes instead, and after I dropped Lucky at school, I went out for my first run since the Great Ankle Blowout of September 30, 2012. Slow, because my ankle is still tweaky, and it’s been more than two weeks since I ran last, and holy crap it’s cold out, and I didn’t use my inhaler because I forget that I need it when it’s cold.
But I listened to my music, and shuffled along, and when my power song came on, one of the lyrics gave me goosebumps.
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control.
I felt the knot inside me release, just a bit. And for a moment, I glimpsed Peace.
This is all out of my control.
It’s not up to me.
I’m not religious. In fact, I don’t have a lot of faith or spirituality or whatever. I do not think this is part of some grand plan of some deity, who’s scheming to teach me a lesson or something. I don’t want to believe in an asshole G-d.
What I do know is that I have no control over whether or not we’ll ever have another child.
It’s not my fault. Nor my Fail.
It’s not up to me, at all.
What I CAN do is focus my love on my husband and the child we ARE lucky to have. I can focus on being healthy, eating well, rehabbing my ankle, running (and yes, a marathon next year is back on the table), swimming, playing, travel with my family.
What has happened over the course of these past few weeks hasn’t changed anything, fundamentally. I am still Serenity, and I have a really good life.
And right now, I am hanging on to that glimpse of Peace with everything I’ve got.
I will be okay.
I will be okay.
I will be okay.