Limbo No More.

October 18, 2012 at 6:00 am | Posted in Heartbreak, Moving On., Mythical #2, Pregnancy | 44 Comments

I called my doctor’s office yesterday morning with the report that I was spotting again, and I wasn’t sure what they wanted me to do, could they call back?

My nurse called me in the afternoon with instructions to stop my meds, and call when I stopped bleeding so that they could bring me in for an ultrasound to make sure that my uterine cavity is empty.

I was taken aback, a bit.

There was a heartbeat on Tuesday. I mean, yeah, it was slow. And they still couldn’t see a yolk sac. And the gestational sac was irregularly shaped.

But I mean, there WAS a heartbeat.

And of course Charlie Brown, who is away this week, wasn’t answering his phone, and told me when I asked him if he had a second that he was in a meeting, could he call me later?

So I googled. And read medical extracts – I know better than to read the babycenter message boards. I pulled from studies done, actually, at New Clinic.

And noted a study where they looked at pregnancies where there was a slow heart rate (as defined by the extract, my situation fell into “Slow”) noted in the embryo between weeks 6 and 7.

Here are some staggering statistics: of those pregnancies where the heart rate was slow between weeks 6 and 7, 61% of those pregnancies ended before week 8. The other 39%, where the heart rate was normal by week 8? Another 25% of those pregnancies went on to terminate before the end of the first trimester.

That’s a 71% overall failure rate for pregnancies where the heart rate was slow between 6 and 7 weeks.

Now, please note: in this study there was no mention of yolk sac visualization or gestational sac irregularities.

So I googled that.

I discovered that an embryo CAN have a heartbeat without the presence of a yolk sac. Failure to identify the yolk sac by the time gestaional sac reaches 12mm (generally 6-7 weeks) indicates the pregnancy is not viable. No yolk sac signifies, generally, a chromosomal anomaly with the embryo.

Reading these articles resonated with me.

There’s something wrong with the embryo. It’s why my body was trying to override my meds to start AF.

It really isn’t my fault.

So I made the executive decision to trust my clinic and listen to them. And I stopped my meds last night. I’m stocked up on pads. And now I’m just waiting.

No more limbo is good.

But it also means no more hope.

I can’t even think of starting over. I don’t know if it’s worth it, even if the next cycle culminates in a pregnancy that results in a live baby. And I don’t know if I can do this again.

So. Break it is. And in the meantime, I’m going to eat sushi, and run, and drink wine, and try and focus on the love I have in my life in the here and now.

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44 Comments »

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  1. I’m glad you’re not in limbo anymore, though still sad about the outcome. Take care of yourself.

  2. I am so sorry, hon. But limbo was not good, now you can heal. Wishing you strength to do so. xxoo

  3. So sorry, Serenity. Thinking of you.

  4. Oh, Serenity … I have been thinking about you, and wishing I could bring over some tea. And a blanket to hide under for a little while. Sending you many, many hugs.

  5. I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but I love you ❤ xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry. Hang in there.

  7. So glad your limbo is over, but so very sorry to hear this news. Wishing you all the strength you need.

  8. I am so sorry. This sucks.

    Hugs

  9. (((HUGS))) Sending love and light your way during this impossible time. I’m so sorry.

    Abiding with you.

  10. Oh man Serenity. I’m so sorry for this loss.

    I’m in the exact same place right now, just stopped my meds 2 days ago (I am around 7.5 weeks), we did see a heartbeat flicker, but it was slow and the following week it was gone. So after 8 treatment cycles I’m back at square one, with a bunch of pads in my pocketbook hoping I start bleeding on my own.

    Just know you are not alone and your words help me get through every.single.day.

  11. Thinking of you, and wishing you lots of peace during your break.

  12. Hate this with a fiery passion.

    Always here for you, you know that.

    In the meantime, and I know you woon’t take this any other way but the way I intend… CHICAGO 2013!

  13. Damn… I was so hoping not to read this news today… Continuing to pray for you and wishing you healing as you get through this.. HUGS and I heart you also.. BIG TIME… xoxoxo

  14. Hugs to you.

  15. I am so sorry. I was really hoping for a miracle 😦 Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  16. Ah, Serenity. I am so sorry to hear this news. The fact that the “fault” lies with the embryo is probably of little comfort. I wish it were different and I’m so sorry your Mr’s work isn’t letting him be there as much during this time.

  17. Thinking of you and your family…and sending you virtual hugs from a stranger who feels like she knows you.

  18. Very sorry for what you’re going through. 😦 my thoughts are with you.

  19. This is so heartbreaking. I’m sorry, Serenity.

  20. I’m so very sorry. How awful.

  21. Thinking of you. So sorry.

  22. Floating in from the larger ALI online world to offer support. What you’re going through is not fair and not right. You deserve more, and I’m sorry that for right now you’re not getting it. I hope you are able to find moments of peace and strength in the coming weeks as you navigate your loss and make decisions about where you want to go from here. ❤

  23. I haven’t commented on the past few posts because I had a strikingly similar pregnancy and I sort of knew the road you were on. I don’t know if it helps or hurts, but through my four losses they did discover through chromosomal studies that there was a phenomenon that was occurring with only my female embryos. All the losses I had were female. There is something that occurs that certain women cannot carry one sex or the other. I don’t know what it’s called or how it can be circumvented but I wanted you to have as much info as possible when you go back to talk to New Clinic. I’m sorry Serenity. None of it is fair or right.

  24. I’m really, really sorry, Serenity. I’m glad you’re no longer in limbo, but I wish things had turned out differently.
    xoxo
    T.

  25. I am sorry, Serenity. You are a great person and one of the nicest IF bloggers, and you don’t deserve this. Not that anyone does, but this seems particularly unfair given all your efforts to give Lucky a sibling.

  26. Here via twitter. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There were many wine and cookie dough days for me after our loss. Take care of you, whatever that means for you.

  27. I’m so very sorry. Glad the limbo is over, but really wish the result was different.

  28. Serenity I am so sorry. It is just horrible to have had hope and then to have it taken away. I am sorry for your loss.

  29. Crappity crap crap. I really thought this one would end in a happily-ever-after even thought the prognosis wasn’t all that great.

  30. I had an uncle with severe cerebral palsy. Truly, there is no more difficult life than that of a profoundly disabled person. I loved him, he loved all of us. But his life was heartbreaking. I still cry thinking about what it must have been like for him. Very few motor skills, wheelchair bound, watching the world go by. Being cherished as a child and left behind as friends grew up. Terrible. Terrible. Heart wrenching to this very day. Pregnancy loss is always soul crushing but there is a pretty big silver lining that you will not be watching a child grow up with perpetual suffering. I had a pregnancy that ended very early as well. I clung to knowing what I was spared vs. what I lost. Many hugs to you. I know it sucks.

  31. My heart is just breaking for you, Serenity. I’m so sorry to hear this news. Huge ((hugs)) for you and hubby.

  32. I’m so sorry.
    My heart aches for you guys.

  33. Of course it isn’t your fault.

    Goodness.

    I’ll be interested to hear what the clinic has to say at your follow up.

    Enjoy your wine and your running. Chin up.

    How many frozen embryos are left? O was a frozen cycle, yes?

  34. Love to you, Serenity. Wishing Charlie Brown wasn’t away from home and that you have go through all of that by yourself. xoxoxo

  35. I’m sad that it has to be this way, and so very very sorry. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. Definitely NOT your fault.

  36. Aw hon, I’m so sorry. Much love to you.

  37. Damn. This sucks :(.

  38. Holding you in my heart.

  39. I’m so sorry. I hate this part of the IF experience so much … Sending you peace and strength.

  40. I am so sorry. Thinking about you guys.

  41. Dammit. That’s all I’ve got. So sorry.

  42. Sending love and hugs. I am so sorry Serenity. Thinking of you.

  43. So completely unfair. Ragingly, heartbreakingly, gut-wrenchingly unfair. ((((((hugs)))))))

  44. I’m so sorry.


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