Well. A Different Kind of Limbo.October 20, 2012 at 8:00 am | Posted in Pregnancy Loss | 16 Comments
No bleeding. Still kind of spotting.
I hate that I had to add another category. I hate that I’m waiting to miscarry.
I hate all of this.
I got a call yesterday. Hello! Confirming your appointment with the Radiology! Group! on Tuesday! October! 23! at nine! thirty! am!, said the disembodied computer voice.
So I called my nurse and left a message, asking her if they still want me to keep it. I’m not bleeding yet, I told her. Not sure if this matters.
I think it does. Because she called me back and told me that I should check in with her next Tuesday, especially if I haven’t started bleeding yet.
Last week, I wanted to avoid a D&C if I could manage it. But I’m not going to lie to you, the waiting for blood part is awful. Awful enough that I told Charlie that next week I might opt for a D&C if my nurse mentions it.
Thank goodness he’s home next week.
We have three frozen embryos left. Lucky was conceived on a fresh cycle 5 years ago.
I turn 37 next month.
And. I am considering walking away from treatments forever.
I don’t have the energy, or the strength, to do this anymore. I feel like I’m fighting the inevitable, and it’s embarrassing that I can’t just fucking let go of the idea that maybe the NEXT cycle will be it.
It’s too much suffering, too much fail.
Everyone always says it’s worth it if you bring home a baby. I thought it myself, actually – I vividly remember watching him sleep and being overwhelmed with the love. Believing that everything we suffered before bringing home Lucky was worth it.
I don’t know if that’s true anymore. Too many cycles. Too much loss.
Obviously I am in no place to DECIDE anything, of course. So I suggested a break to Charlie, who agreed. We’ll see where we are in 3… 6… 9… 12 months from now. Two years. Whatever. Maybe the desire to do our last cycle (yes, in one cycle. I would like to thaw all three and transfer the best two) and be done forever will win out over the loathing of doing a cycle. I don’t know.
In the meantime, I remain in this other limbo.
Pregnant, but without hope of a baby.
Waiting to bleed.
A cruel place to be.