The End. For Real.

October 23, 2012 at 4:51 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Pregnancy Loss, The End of Trying | 29 Comments

Today’s scan confirmed what I expected: no heartbeat and no growth from last week.

My D&E is scheduled for tomorrow at 3:20. I am happy to hear that it’s a D&E, not a D&C – less chance of scarring.

I’m also told it’s done under sedation, not anesthesia, so there’s less of a chance of an adverse reaction.

________________________

I wish I knew what I felt. I’ve sat here, with this post open in front of me, for 20 minutes now.

I’m numb. I am not surprised. I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I wish it were different.

And I don’t know, anymore, that having a baby is WORTH all of this. It’s been more than two years. Two pregnancies. Too many cycles to count. Too much money spent on medical bills.

And no baby.

At least tomorrow will mark The End of this whole pregnancy debacle, and I can move on.

Somehow.

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29 Comments »

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  1. I’m so sorry, Serenity.

  2. I’m so sorry, but I’m glad it’s finally going to be over.

  3. This is so incredibly unfair and heartbreaking Serenity. I’m just so sorry that things can’t be different. We are here for you. Will Charlie Brown be home I hope? You are going to need a lot of support and R&R and I hope you have loved ones around you (in-person not just here in the computer) that can help lift you up when you need it the most.

    I will continue to be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow. I’m just so sorry that this is happening.

  4. I’m so sorry. Not fair doesn’t even begin to cover it.

  5. I have been thinking of you so much, and hoping for some kind of crazy last-minute miracle. It just doesn’t make sense to me that this can happen — especially to such a lovely person. I guess we all know there isn’t much sense in all of this, though.

    Sending you hugs and wishes for a peaceful healing time. I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, but if you can, I hope you are able to set aside the ‘what’s next’ thoughts/plans/fear/worries, etc and focus on being very good to yourself right now.

  6. Saying that I am sorry insufficiently conveys how I am feeling for you.

    Holding you close from afar.

  7. So so sorry. Somehow I know I should not expect things to be fair, but this is just SO UNFAIR. So wrong. I wanted this to work for you so badly.

    Thinking of you.

  8. I am so, so sorry. Sending love and hugs your way. (((Hugs)))

  9. stopping by from ICLW and just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss!

  10. I’m sorry. Thinking of you.

  11. I am so deeply sorry. I really thought the universe was going to get its act together this time around. Wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug in person.
    xoxo
    T.

  12. Thinking of you

  13. Oh Serenity. My eyes well with tears and my heart breaks for you. I thought this was going to be it, I really did. And I don’t know what it means that it’s not. I’m so sorry.

  14. A big hug for you.

  15. I’m really sorry. I keep hoping you’ll get the baby you’ve been trying for all these years. Big hugs.

  16. I will be abiding with you throughout. I am so very sorry hon.

  17. Best of luck with your D&E. I will be thinking of you.

    Not knowing how to feel is how I felt with our miscarriage. I just wanted it over. The D&E brought that for me – I felt much peace knowing that I could move forward again. I am hoping that you have that same peace in the coming days.

  18. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hoping that at least physically, you have a quick road to recovery.

  19. Lots of love to you – so very sorry

  20. *hugs* I’m so, so sorry.

  21. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Please take good care of yourself.

  22. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Take care of yourself.
    -visting from ICLW

  23. I’m so, so sorry. It shouldn’t be this way for you. Biggest of hugs.

  24. I am so, so sorry.

  25. Serenity, this is unbelievably awful. The waiting must have been horrible, especially with c away. This after the waiting is not exactly rosy, either. I wish you healing.

  26. Hideous. I am really, really sorry this is happening to you.

  27. I’m so sorry hon. Words can’t express it enough.

  28. no words.

    just tears and heartfelt sorrow for you. i have never met you but i love you and i’m thinking of you.

  29. I feel selfish sitting at this little blank box and having nothing to say. I don’t have any words. Just my love.


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