Finding Silver Linings.

October 24, 2012 at 9:15 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Heartbreak, I Write. (aka: writing projects), Moving On. | 18 Comments

I have to say, this week has been one of the worst I’ve experienced in a long time.

But it hasn’t been without its silver linings, though.

My shining star this week: Lucky. Whether he knows I need the extra love or not, he’s been awesome: snuggly and needy and wanting me to carry him and hug him and give him kisses. He wants to hold my hand, and sit in my lap, and he’s very Mommy-focused this week.

Kissing his head is such a salve for me. A reminder that we got so, so lucky with him. He’s here, right in front of me, and I can pour as much of my love into him as possible.

Which is easy, because I love him more than I have words to express.

Also shining stars: my friends. God, my friends are awesome. They have emailed me, called me, texted me, taken me out to dinner. Listened to me as I sobbed, barely able to get words out. Poured me wine, or tequila, or bailey’s. Made plans for races and stinky cheese nights. They’ve made homemade ice cream for pumpkin beer floats. They’ve sent me cards and love and randomly checked in on me to let me know they’re thinking of me. They’ve taken Lucky for me, without question, when I need to do an ultrasound (or today, a D&E).

And then there are the bloggers who’ve emailed me, commented on my posts, texted me, whatever. Seriously, you all are amazing.

Because I feel surrounded by love, a cushion of support which make me feel less alone and isolated. It makes the harshness of the reality so much easier to bear.

And writing. Oh, writing. I joined ICLW for the first time this month, and I’m finding new connections and commenters and bloglove. And next month is NaBloWriMo. I’ve never actually done it before; committed to writing a post a day for a whole month (what if I have writers block! Ack!) but I think this month I’ll participate.

How I cope: I find something else to focus on in the short term.

I’ve mentioned since this all happened that I am not sure about more treatments. We do have 3 embryos on ice, blasts like these last two. I can’t fathom doing this all over again, starting over. And thankfully, I don’t need to decide anything right now.

So we’ll take a break. I’ll write every day in November. Hopefully my ankle will heal up and I can start running again: my plan for 2013 includes consistent mileage, a couple of half marathons, and a fall marathon, probably local to home. I’ve been talking with my running coach about using his online coaching services to keep me honest and accountable and help me build up my mileage slowly enough that (hopefully) I can avoid injury.

And I can cook. The past few weeks (even now), I’ve had a hard time with food. I am very much looking forward to ENJOYING my food again. Searching out recipes that are healthy AND taste awesome, that fill my house up with amazing smells.

There was a post this week by another blogger I read, where she talks about how her house has both sad AND happy memories. And how somehow she thinks that maybe a fresh start would be nice, but then it wouldn’t have the happy memories as well.

And her last sentence struck me: “I’ll take it all, the happy and the sad. Because the happy makes the sad bearable.”

That is how I feel right now. Right now, what makes this sadness bearable, is the happy in my life.

And there IS happiness there. Just have to keep looking at it.



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  1. That is so very true. The happy makes all the difference. And the snuggles. The snuggles are what I miss most on the weekends.

    I’m so glad we decided to participate in ICLW the same month. I’m glad you’re finding so much support in your time of need.

  2. This post, and the path you are walking through this hard time, is incredibly wise. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you have some support to cushion the blow from this horrible fall. I know it’s not enough, but it’s something.

    I am also about planning right now, in the uncertainty of what’s to come. I’m thinking of participating in NaNoWriMo and starting a novel. It will probably end disastrously but I hope it will distract me sufficiently from my dark thoughts.

    And thank you for sending me so much support, especially during this incredibly crappy time. It is appreciated more than I can say.

    Abiding with you.

  3. Love this post, the bitter and the sweet. Which is life, after all. Holding you in my heart as you mourn and heal.

  4. I’m glad you don’t have to decide anything right now. Grief needs time and space, and also time to rest from the grief through enjoying and loving your son. Biggest of hugs.

  5. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard week, but glad you are able to find the silver linings and focus on the positive things to carry you through the hard things!

  6. Been thinnking about you . Sending you more love and extra virtual hugs. Hang in there

  7. Good for you for looking for the silver linings. I hope they help make the days to come pass more easily. hugs and love,

  8. Oh, kids can totally tell when we’re sad or angry. I don’t think they care what the reason is, they just focus on making their mommies happy again (unless, of course, they’re acting up for attention – glad Lucky is not doing that).

    Glad to hear you’re getting so much RL support, too. This probably goes without saying, but you are good at being there for other people and being a friend, so it makes sense that people would want to do the same for you.

    Still sending more hugs – I wish there was more I could do.

  9. I’m glad that you got definitive news yesterday so you can move forward and I hope all goes well today. I’m sorry that the news absolutely sucked. This post is fabulous though and I’m so glad you’re able to find the happy in your life. Sometimes our perspective can get really skewed as we focus on things don’t have and forget to enjoy all the great things we have going on. One of the reasons I love reading your blog so much is because you are so real and seem to represent yourself and describe your feelings so well.

  10. I am so glad that you have been surrounded by such loving people. My friends and family have carried me through so much over the past few years. Your son being there for you when you need it the most is also amazing. He sounds like such a wonderful little person. I am glad that he is showering you with some extra snuggles. Your plan for a break sounds like such a great idea. Running a fall marathon is a great way to keep occupied and you’ll be in awesome shape! Hang in there. Hopefully everything went smoothly for you today. I am thinking about you.

  11. I am glad to hear you found some new friends, care and support in the blogspace.
    I am very sorry you have to go through this. Finding the silver lining is one step ahead in the healing process. Hang in there!

  12. Virtual hugs and many prayers sent your way. I am so sorry… hoping for some peace for you, in some way…. however it looks.

  13. Hi from ICLW – I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some good advice, but I’m at a loss for words. Running was great therapy for me during infertility – I hope it can console you some after loss as well.

  14. I’ve been missing here, but have been thinking about you. And glad that you’re able to find something to focus on in the short term … that you are taking time to care for yourself. Sending hugs.

  15. Glad to Lucky is a source of great comfort for you

  16. Thinking of you. I didn’t go through all that you did for #2, but the loss – the decision making around it – it was almost my undoing. It still bubbles up from time to time, but… it got better. It gets better.

  17. The silver linings are certainly there, waiting to be found. I’m glad you know yours and can find comfort in them. Sending love, peace, and healing thoughts your way.

  18. Damn it I’m crying. I love you and things suck, but life will seem better soon enough.

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