Finding Silver Linings.October 24, 2012 at 9:15 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Heartbreak, I Write. (aka: writing projects), Moving On. | 18 Comments
I have to say, this week has been one of the worst I’ve experienced in a long time.
But it hasn’t been without its silver linings, though.
My shining star this week: Lucky. Whether he knows I need the extra love or not, he’s been awesome: snuggly and needy and wanting me to carry him and hug him and give him kisses. He wants to hold my hand, and sit in my lap, and he’s very Mommy-focused this week.
Kissing his head is such a salve for me. A reminder that we got so, so lucky with him. He’s here, right in front of me, and I can pour as much of my love into him as possible.
Which is easy, because I love him more than I have words to express.
Also shining stars: my friends. God, my friends are awesome. They have emailed me, called me, texted me, taken me out to dinner. Listened to me as I sobbed, barely able to get words out. Poured me wine, or tequila, or bailey’s. Made plans for races and stinky cheese nights. They’ve made homemade ice cream for pumpkin beer floats. They’ve sent me cards and love and randomly checked in on me to let me know they’re thinking of me. They’ve taken Lucky for me, without question, when I need to do an ultrasound (or today, a D&E).
And then there are the bloggers who’ve emailed me, commented on my posts, texted me, whatever. Seriously, you all are amazing.
Because I feel surrounded by love, a cushion of support which make me feel less alone and isolated. It makes the harshness of the reality so much easier to bear.
And writing. Oh, writing. I joined ICLW for the first time this month, and I’m finding new connections and commenters and bloglove. And next month is NaBloWriMo. I’ve never actually done it before; committed to writing a post a day for a whole month (what if I have writers block! Ack!) but I think this month I’ll participate.
How I cope: I find something else to focus on in the short term.
I’ve mentioned since this all happened that I am not sure about more treatments. We do have 3 embryos on ice, blasts like these last two. I can’t fathom doing this all over again, starting over. And thankfully, I don’t need to decide anything right now.
So we’ll take a break. I’ll write every day in November. Hopefully my ankle will heal up and I can start running again: my plan for 2013 includes consistent mileage, a couple of half marathons, and a fall marathon, probably local to home. I’ve been talking with my running coach about using his online coaching services to keep me honest and accountable and help me build up my mileage slowly enough that (hopefully) I can avoid injury.
And I can cook. The past few weeks (even now), I’ve had a hard time with food. I am very much looking forward to ENJOYING my food again. Searching out recipes that are healthy AND taste awesome, that fill my house up with amazing smells.
There was a post this week by another blogger I read, where she talks about how her house has both sad AND happy memories. And how somehow she thinks that maybe a fresh start would be nice, but then it wouldn’t have the happy memories as well.
And her last sentence struck me: “I’ll take it all, the happy and the sad. Because the happy makes the sad bearable.”
That is how I feel right now. Right now, what makes this sadness bearable, is the happy in my life.
And there IS happiness there. Just have to keep looking at it.