Strange Relief.

October 25, 2012 at 9:46 am | Posted in Moving On., Pregnancy Loss | 12 Comments

Yesterday’s procedure went well. The most surprising thing for me was that I was NOT sick from the anesthesia. They did put me under – was similar to retrieval, actually. But I wasn’t sick.

The difference this time, I think, is that I didn’t take any pain meds when I woke up. I didn’t have any pain. My nurse kept asking me what my pain was, and since I didn’t think she’d believe me if I said none, I told her it was a 1-2 on a scale of ten. Really not bad at all. So I didn’t opt for any sort of narcotic.

So yay, figuring out that narcotics make me puke.

Today I’m a little loopy, still – dizzy, really – and tired from the anesthesia. Luckily my work commitments only include a conference call this afternoon, thank goodness.

Emotionally, I am sitting with this strange sense of relief. I wish it had been different, yes. I wish our embryo had turned into a real baby that we’d have brought home next June.

But the past week of not knowing when this was all going to End, for real, was a lot more stressful than I realized. I woke up yesterday after the surgery feeling like a 300-lb gorilla was lifted off my back. And even today, I feel lighter somehow.

Maybe it’s being loopy from the anesthesia. 🙂

New Clinic does a chromosomal analysis on all embryos after a D&E, which generally takes a couple of weeks. Our follow up with New Doc is on 11/16, which means we’ll likely have results to discuss in that meeting. We’ll probably also discuss what she recommends next.

My gut says that this was probably just bad luck. But maybe this is part of the reason we’ve not gotten pregnant with IVF – there’s something underlying that’s wrong and not apparent with our embryos.

I don’t know.

Honestly, I’ve been Not Pregnant FAR longer than I’ve ever been pregnant. I’m USED to picking myself up from the heartbreak of not being pregnant. Really, the outcome is no different than if we had gotten a BFN from the last cycle. It was dragged out a bit, and I did have my hopes up a lot more.

But the outcome is still the same: I sit here, today, not pregnant, not knowing if we’ll ever have another baby.

And I found peace with that before this cycle. I know it’s still there, just have to go through the Suck of now to get back there again.



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  1. Glad the procedure went well and that you are doing ok.
    Take care of yourself!

  2. I felt relieved as well after my D&E – and I felt a little guilty about that actually. I am happy that you have been able to find some relief and also think this is just bad luck. I think it is.

    You sound good today 🙂

  3. I am so glad that the procedure went smoothly for you. I am sure it is just good to be done with it so that you can now start to move on. I hope those test results come back shortly. Waiting is so hard. Hoping you can continue with your positive attitude. I was a complete wreck so I give you so much credit for handling everything so well. Sending big hugs to you!

  4. I am glad you are feeling relatively well. I hope the New Clinic can have some answers for you- not that I want there to be something wrong, but I always felt better when we knew why things weren’t working rather than when we had no idea and we had to just keep stepping up and trying again.

  5. I hope you get some answers from the test results. It’s so hard not knowing why. Glad to hear that you’re wading your way through this….

  6. Well I guess at least its over. I’m so sad to have to leave another-“I’m so sorry” comment. You and J deserve sooooo much more. But I am, so so sorry.

  7. Take good care of yourself. I am so sorry to read this and I hope the new clinic can provide you answers and peace.

    An ICLW Visit from #2
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)

  8. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss but it’s good to hear you didn’t get sick this time. You know, it might not be all narcotics that make you ill. Codeine makes me violently ill (the kind of violently ill that makes you want to curl up and die) but, I can take vicodin which is tylenol with synthetic codeine.

    ICLW #74 Dragondreamer’s Lair

  9. Oh Serenity I have not been to blogland for ages so I have just caught up. I am so sorry sweety Having to go through it all again. 😦 I’m glad the procedure went well for you…but it all sucks. Sending you big hugs xx

  10. I can say I am so sorry a million times and it never feels like enough. Take care of yourself in these next few weeks.

  11. I am so sorry I haven’t had a chance to comment lately. I have read every single one of your posts, I have cheered for the victories and cried in the defeats. I absolutely hate that you’re going through this. I will be here and reading and supporting you in this journey, whatever you decided. Best thoughts your way!

  12. Still wishing that this pregnancy had turned out differently for you but glad that the procedure went smoothly and without you getting sick.

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