Strange Relief.October 25, 2012 at 9:46 am | Posted in Moving On., Pregnancy Loss | 12 Comments
Yesterday’s procedure went well. The most surprising thing for me was that I was NOT sick from the anesthesia. They did put me under – was similar to retrieval, actually. But I wasn’t sick.
The difference this time, I think, is that I didn’t take any pain meds when I woke up. I didn’t have any pain. My nurse kept asking me what my pain was, and since I didn’t think she’d believe me if I said none, I told her it was a 1-2 on a scale of ten. Really not bad at all. So I didn’t opt for any sort of narcotic.
So yay, figuring out that narcotics make me puke.
Today I’m a little loopy, still – dizzy, really – and tired from the anesthesia. Luckily my work commitments only include a conference call this afternoon, thank goodness.
Emotionally, I am sitting with this strange sense of relief. I wish it had been different, yes. I wish our embryo had turned into a real baby that we’d have brought home next June.
But the past week of not knowing when this was all going to End, for real, was a lot more stressful than I realized. I woke up yesterday after the surgery feeling like a 300-lb gorilla was lifted off my back. And even today, I feel lighter somehow.
Maybe it’s being loopy from the anesthesia. 🙂
New Clinic does a chromosomal analysis on all embryos after a D&E, which generally takes a couple of weeks. Our follow up with New Doc is on 11/16, which means we’ll likely have results to discuss in that meeting. We’ll probably also discuss what she recommends next.
My gut says that this was probably just bad luck. But maybe this is part of the reason we’ve not gotten pregnant with IVF – there’s something underlying that’s wrong and not apparent with our embryos.
I don’t know.
Honestly, I’ve been Not Pregnant FAR longer than I’ve ever been pregnant. I’m USED to picking myself up from the heartbreak of not being pregnant. Really, the outcome is no different than if we had gotten a BFN from the last cycle. It was dragged out a bit, and I did have my hopes up a lot more.
But the outcome is still the same: I sit here, today, not pregnant, not knowing if we’ll ever have another baby.
And I found peace with that before this cycle. I know it’s still there, just have to go through the Suck of now to get back there again.