Survival Mode.

October 27, 2012 at 10:03 am | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility, My life, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 17 Comments

So I had a day of relief, and then it all came crashing down on me. Started when I had dinner with my SIL, who has been SUCH a good source of support for me. I truly can’t say enough good things about her.

But, you know, she’s due next month, and her belly was a reminder of what I don’t have. I didn’t expect that to be as hard as it was.

Yesterday I needed to run a couple of errands, which included needing to buy some baby gifts for two of Charlie’s cousins: one who has dealt with recurrent m/c for nearly 6 years now, who FINALLY is having a baby shower. The second, his close cousin’s soon-to-be wife, the one who confessed to me that she was having a hard time and got pregnant 6 months into trying.

I tried, I really did. I decided ahead of time I’d just get Not Cute stuff- baby shampoo, washcloths, etc.

But then I got to the baby section. And I couldn’t do it. I had to leave the store.

Instead, I went to another store for retail therapy; clothes for me, since I could use sweaters and long sleeved warm shirts, etc. Except. Everything I tried on didn’t fit over my chest.

Because, you see, even though I am no longer pregnant, my body hasn’t quite adjusted yet.

So I went home, instead, near tears. And then Charlie called me, and said, Did you know that the Director of Finance at your client is pregnant? Of fucking COURSE she is. Due in May.

As if that weren’t bad enough? Last night, my father called. It seems that my mother is hurt and angry that I called her and yelled at her. And my father said, You need to call your mother and make this right.

Um, no. She hung up on ME. Because she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.

And you know what I told him? That I had too much other shit to deal with in my life, that I’m sorry he’s stuck in the middle of this, but I don’t have it in me to pander to my mother’s drama. And I told him I was tired of it always being about Mom, that it’s been that way for my whole life, and I’m 37 years old with a child of my own and I was done with her. And that I loved them both but I had too much of my own shit to deal with, that Mom’s drama came in last on my priority list. I hung up with him at the end of our conversation. I was shaking, I was so upset.

I can’t do this.

I can’t handle it.

It’s too much.

I’m going to shatter into a million pieces and never be able to be put back together.

Please tell me this will get better, eventually.



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  1. Sorry things are so badly. I’ve dealt with a lot of shitty stuff, esp. the last 18 months (not fertility but health stuff) and sometimes it really is darkest before the dawn as cliche as that sounds. You’re in my thoughts. Im glad youre not pandering to your mom. Ive had a very hard relationship with my mother too. She lives 4 houses away (very hard to ignore her). I know you’re on the NE like me. I hope you fare well in this storm, as well as the personal one you’re dealing with. Hang in there! 🙂

  2. Oh sweetie. I’m sorry. I know how hard this is. And I have to say I’m so so proud of you for standing up for yourself with your parents because I am not sure you realize how much strength that shows. You will get through this. And it will suck for awhile. But you will. I promise. And if you ever want to talk you can shoot me an email anytime.

  3. Oh Serenity. I know you can’t see. I honestly don’t really see it right now either, but is do think it will get better. I really do. Even though I have no understanding of how that might be, I have faith in it somehow. I’ve seen it happen for other women, even though I don’t understand how it happened for them. And because of their stories I have hope for you too. That the hurt will lessen, become bearable and eventually fade into a tender memory, something that you can incorporate into your life without it being your life. I do believe it can be that for you some day. I just don’t know when. 😦

    • This was said way more eloquently than I could have. It won’t always be this raw. It won’t always hurt nearly this much. The hurt may linger, but it won’t feel this awful. All you can do is ride out the storm as best as you can and think in terms of what’s best for YOU right now. If that means putting other things on the back burner, so be it.

      So when does your therapist plan to return from leave??

      • Not until the first week of December. I’m on my own until then.

  4. It will. I promise. Do whatever you need to do, shout, cry, be alone, be with a friend, whatever it takes. All wounds, physical and emotional need time to heal. Allow yourself that.

  5. This will get better, eventually. I know that when it rains, it pours, but it always slows down to a trickle and finally stops. It comes back, but those breaks between make it more and more bearable.

  6. I am sorry. Sending you a big hug!

  7. It will get better, and this entire experience will be a part of your personal fabric that will eventually be woven among so many other good memories and blessings in life that it will fade. It will never be gone, of course, but it will fade. Life is really cruel but it can also be incredibly kind and wonderful. It will be ok.

  8. Oh – I meant to add I’m glad you were truthful with your father. Good on you.

  9. It is a lot all at once. I really feel for you. Please take good care of yourself and remember that part of the crazy is your hormones crashing. That’s the unfair icing on the giant cake of unfairness, but at least you can be certain that that part of things is temporary and will ease up soon.

  10. It will get better. You will be better. Until then…be gentle on yourself and just breathe.

  11. It will. Slowly, piece by agonizing little, tiny piece it will. Probably more slowly than you will like or want, but it will get better.

    Does your therapist have someone else you can call talk to while she is on leave?

  12. It will have to be OK because there is no choice but to survive. To strive forward. To be a fighter. To find some meaning in all of this crap. To think you are a better f*cking person than EVERYONE for making it through this. All of this crashing at the moment and the world of fecund, carefree people isn’t fair. But, you are tough and you will slog through. Heck. If people can find hope, faith in mankind, and positivity after the Holocaust and other travesties, you will find a way to make it through this. For Lucky. For your husband. For yourself.

  13. It DOES get better. It does!!! It just is really really freaking hard for a while.

    I am SO SORRY for your loss. And then having to deal with baby showers and a pregnant SIL and drama with your mom with it…. I hope you can find a way to just get through. Many thoughts coming your way from me.

  14. It will get better. You know that but you can’t feel it right now. That’s completely normal. Also, you wrote this the day your body would have had a hormone crash post D&E so you were always going to have a totally horrible day on top of the horrible days you are having anyway.

  15. It gets better. It’s a world of suck and you never forget the emotional toll it takes, but it gets better. I had a second trimester miscarriage, that I should have been expecting but wasn’t. It was a world of suck. And one day at a time, sometimes longer (sometimes it was one week at a time – the days were too unbearable to think about, but then I’d get to the end of another week and realize I was still standing).

    But it gets better. Impossible as it seems today it *does* get better.

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