Survival Mode.October 27, 2012 at 10:03 am | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility, My life, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 17 Comments
So I had a day of relief, and then it all came crashing down on me. Started when I had dinner with my SIL, who has been SUCH a good source of support for me. I truly can’t say enough good things about her.
But, you know, she’s due next month, and her belly was a reminder of what I don’t have. I didn’t expect that to be as hard as it was.
Yesterday I needed to run a couple of errands, which included needing to buy some baby gifts for two of Charlie’s cousins: one who has dealt with recurrent m/c for nearly 6 years now, who FINALLY is having a baby shower. The second, his close cousin’s soon-to-be wife, the one who confessed to me that she was having a hard time and got pregnant 6 months into trying.
I tried, I really did. I decided ahead of time I’d just get Not Cute stuff- baby shampoo, washcloths, etc.
But then I got to the baby section. And I couldn’t do it. I had to leave the store.
Instead, I went to another store for retail therapy; clothes for me, since I could use sweaters and long sleeved warm shirts, etc. Except. Everything I tried on didn’t fit over my chest.
Because, you see, even though I am no longer pregnant, my body hasn’t quite adjusted yet.
So I went home, instead, near tears. And then Charlie called me, and said, Did you know that the Director of Finance at your client is pregnant? Of fucking COURSE she is. Due in May.
As if that weren’t bad enough? Last night, my father called. It seems that my mother is hurt and angry that I called her and yelled at her. And my father said, You need to call your mother and make this right.
Um, no. She hung up on ME. Because she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
And you know what I told him? That I had too much other shit to deal with in my life, that I’m sorry he’s stuck in the middle of this, but I don’t have it in me to pander to my mother’s drama. And I told him I was tired of it always being about Mom, that it’s been that way for my whole life, and I’m 37 years old with a child of my own and I was done with her. And that I loved them both but I had too much of my own shit to deal with, that Mom’s drama came in last on my priority list. I hung up with him at the end of our conversation. I was shaking, I was so upset.
I can’t do this.
I can’t handle it.
It’s too much.
I’m going to shatter into a million pieces and never be able to be put back together.
Please tell me this will get better, eventually.