The Bandaged Place.

October 29, 2012 at 11:39 am | Posted in A Year of Mindfulness, Heartbreak, Pregnancy Loss, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 7 Comments

So. Yeah, Friday was a Low.

I figured I’d have good days and bad days. What I didn’t figure into the equation was my mother’s drama. Which, of COURSE the whole thing would blow up then.

I am not calling her, nor am I apologizing for speaking my mind and telling her that she’s disappointing people. She emailed me and my siblings about the Frankenstorm, and I responded directly to her, with a sentence that told her I hope her hand was healing well.

I have also gathered a bunch of Lucky’s artwork – all the Angry Birds stuff, because OMG he is utterly! obsessed! with! drawing! Angry Birds! – and will have him make her a get well card.

But that’s about as close as I’m going to get.

And I can tell you how this is going to play out: she’s not going to respond to me, until I do the right thing and call her and apologize for my disrespect. I won’t get a call on my birthday next month. I won’t get a card. She’s going to withhold her love until I fall into line, and then she’s going to spend her time telling me how awful it was for HER, this whole time, how hard it is on her to go through MAJOR SURGERY on her hand, and that she had no choice but to stay home and not travel, yada yada yada.

I’ll never get an apology from her for hanging up on me, nor any acknowledgement that she has any part of the blame of any of this.

___________________________

I have been trying to be really, really patient with myself; to treat my Emotional Self as a friend, with kindness and understanding, instead of my usual impatience/fear/denial.

The phrase that has become my mantra? A Rumi quote, which I read a long time ago.

Don’t turn away, keep your eye on the bandaged place.
That’s where the light enters you.
— Rumi

It’s surprising to me how much WORK this is for me. Which, honestly, it SHOULDN’T surprise me: I’ve spent nearly 37 years coping with bad stuff the same way – by telling myself to toughen up, people have it far worse than I do, talking myself out of feeling anything at all…

Then being completely overwhelmed with The Suck when I can’t hold the feelings back and it all crashes over me.

I’ve never liked swimming in the ocean, for good reason. It’s unpredictable, and I’m afraid of drowning.

But, I think, the only way to get through this Suck – including my mother’s drama – is to experience it. To allow myself time and space to grieve.

So that’s what I’m doing. Riding out the storm, knowing that it’ll get better eventually.

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7 Comments »

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  1. So sorry you had such a rough few days. It WILL get better. It will it will it will. I promise it will!

  2. One day at a time, right? One day at a time. Things will get better. I am certain of that.
    xoxo
    T.

  3. That’s really shitty of your mom. My mom’s done similar cruel things. It is cruel. Mothers have so much power over our emotional life-and the hint of unconditional love-is outrageous. You don’t deserve that treatment-of course what’s new? There is NOTHING NOTHING my children could do-at ANY age to keep me from thinking about them-and letting them know that on their birthday. For me, I find healing in my relationship with my children-its neat to know exactly what they need to feel loved, from the other perspective. xoxo

  4. I think you have the best mindset possible at this point…take care of your inner self, do NOT fall into the same old trap with your mom (really, the ONLY way to effect change is to change YOUR behavior), and, yes, ride it out (and I don’t mean Sandy).

    Holding you in my best and most comforting thoughts.

  5. I’m sorry for the continued drama with your mother. Seems like a rotten cherry on top of all of this other stuff. I think you’re right that the best thing to do is just experience all of the Suck, and in time, it will hurt less. It probably won’t be tomorrow, and probably won’t be next week. But one day you’ll look up and realize, “Hey, that doesn’t sting quite as much as it used to.” In the meantime, be kind to yourself, hug that big kid of yours, and do what it takes to get through each day — each moment.

  6. I think you conclusions is perfect.
    Hugs x

  7. First of all, I should preface this comment by saying that I’m NOT trying to tell you “everything happens for a reason” or anything like that. I certainly wish you were not going through all the crap you’re going through right now. BUT… if your dad’s phone call hadn’t caught you at such a bad time, maybe you would not have been quite so honest and stood up for yourself so much. And I think you did the right thing, and are still doing the right thing, with regard to your mom. So that’s something good, at least.

    It is so much easier to take care of other people than it is to take care of ourselves. I’m glad you are trying to take care of yourself (and hope you were okay in the actual storm).


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