Time and Distance.

November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On., Mythical #2, Pregnancy Loss | 11 Comments

(TMI alert: It’s been a week since my D&E, and I’m still bleeding. Never a lot, but enough to fill a pantyliner. I know they told me I’d spot for a while, so I’m not too worried. But anyone care to comment on how long it might take before I’m all done with the blood?)

Emotionally, I am actually doing okay. This weekend, I was convinced I’d fall apart and break into a million pieces, but here I am, still breathing, living, sleeping, eating.

Life, it seems, marches on.

What’s happening right now, in my head, is odd.

I’m questioning whether or not I want to do this again. In fact, I’ve said more than once to Charlie Brown that I might want to be done with treatments.

This time, though, I really mean it. I’m thinking about walking away, as a very real option.

Yes, I know we have embryos in the freezer.

But I have very little hope left.

And, if I’m being truthful, I am tired. Tired of putting my life on pause, wondering if we should plan for that trip next spring because maybe I’ll be pregnant and won’t be able to travel then. Tired of interrupting my running training programs because I need to slow my running down or stop running altogether, because my clinic tells me to “take it easy” during the 2ww. Tired of not being able to set long term running/career/life goals, because things might change if we end up pregnant and with a baby.

That’s not even counting the loathing of the shots, the scheduling issues to get into Boston for ultrasounds and tranfers, figuring out what to do with Lucky while we do yet another treatment.

It’s also ignoring the Suck of the BFN, or the pain of it working for like two minutes before we figure out, oh, hey, the pregnancy isn’t viable! Whee!

For what? The chance of having another baby, who, at this point, will be 6 years younger than Lucky?

It’s like starting all over again. And I don’t know if it’s worth it.

I don’t say this lightly, either. I was SO happy when I thought we were going to bring home a baby a couple of weeks ago; I was willing to start over, without question.

But now? It’s more that I don’t think the promise of a baby is enough for us to keep putting ourselves through the Suck of treatments.

Obviously I know that I shouldn’t really be making any DECISIONS about the whole thing. I mean, I’m one week out from the whole thing ending.

But that’s infertility. Pregnancy loss means you start at square one. Square one equals more treatments if we want to get pregnant again.

I’m 37 this month. And I have things I want to do. I want to run more marathons. I want to travel. I want to backpack, hike with Lucky. I want to get a dog. I want to live my life without the shadow of Infertility, the threat of treatments, the ghost of our mythical second child, dogging my every step.

I’m tired of being broken, of hating my body, of loathing myself in the mirror. I’m tired of infertility making me feel like I am less of a mother because I only have one child. I’m tired of fighting something in which I have no control. I’m tired of living the same story: we try, and we fail, and we’re sad, but we’ll try again, because we really want a baby.

I want to step off this treadmill, and go out and LIVE my life.

And I want to heal. To find a place where infertility is a dull ache, where hearing about a pregnancy doesn’t feel like a knife wound, where the question, is he your only? doesn’t steal my breath away from me.

Time and distance. Time and distance. That’s what I hear will help me heal.

Can’t find time and distance when you’re still actively cycling.

So that’s where I am today, at any rate.

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11 Comments »

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  1. I haven’t had a D&E but I did have a “natural” miscarriage. I think it took about two weeks for me to completely stop bleeding and I knew the “products of conception” were expelled early on. I don’t think I stopped bleeding my hcg but almost at zero. It was frustrating and long but it did stop. I hope yours does soon and I’m out here thinking about you.

  2. I had a D&C and I bled for a week or so and then honestly had like two weeks and started again with what I guess was my regular cycle. It sucked.

    Time and distance do help. And I can’t promise that you won’t be taken to your knees even after time and distance take the majority of the sting. I still am. Often.

    But somehow you realize time does keep going and things aren’t awful. It’s like it becomes this part of you that never goes away but it stops being the only thing you can think about.

    I wish I could take you to coffee and we could just cry about it and you could know you aren’t alone in how you feel.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. I would worry about you in the long run if you didn’t think about the frozen embryos and REALLY think about how you would feel if you didn’t use them. Will it come back to haunt you? Will you be more at peace one way or the other? You are dealing with a ton of physical and emotional crap right now and I would hate to see you make a decision while you are still trying to heal. Everyone is different. For me, even though going through the entire process is overwhelming, I know myself, and I would always think why didn’t I use my last resource before stopping. Only you can decide what is best for you.

  4. You take all the time in the world. Do what feels right. Do what you can emotionally handle today and the next day. You are the only one who knows what you can handle (and honestly? When I was in the world of suck trying to get pregnant, I’m not sure *I* even knew what I could handle… I thought I was handling it and one day I pretty much fell over from an inability to cope. That’s okay, too.)

    You are very loved – both in real life on virtually. Lean on your sources of support when you need to, and stay inside your head when you need to do that. There is no wrong way here. You do what you need to do to cope while you figure out next steps. Even if the next step is a non-step.

  5. One day at a time. You don’t need to make a decision now.

    Knowing myself, I know that there would be no way I could leave embryos in the freezer and walk away. Maybe I would need a month or six months or whatnot as a break, but I know if I discarded them I would always always wonder what if.

    But you are you. And you will do what is best for you. Maybe just don’t make a quick decision on it now, when everything from this cycle is still fresh and raw.

    xoxo
    T.

  6. I desperately wanted to put time and distance between myself and my last failed cycle. I’m about 18 months out and every once in awhile the idea to find a new donor to try again for a sibling comes into my head. I start looking around and then it all comes flooding back to me why I wanted to stop. Needed to stop. It’s for most of the reasons you have written about here. I think it’s true that time and distance will help you heal but it will also help you figure out if walking away from treatments is the right thing for you.

  7. With all my miscarriages (natural and D&Cs), I remember bleeding and then spotting for a lot longer than I expected. I think it has to do with the healing of the endometrial lining. I remember it going on 2-4 weeks (although one time it went on for 61 days (yeah, not to scare you, but shit like that you remember).

    The good news, if there is any, is that your embryos are frozen now, tomorrow, next week, next month, for 6 months and you don’t have to decide now. And, maybe if you get definitive pathology it might help your decision.

    As I have learned in therapy myself, deciding not to decide IS a decision. It may not fully quell your need to HAVE A PLAN, but it is action, even if it feels like inaction.

    Take your time and the only person you owe anything to is yourself (and maybe Charlie Brown). I’ll be here…

  8. You put into words what so many of us are feeling. Thank you. When we found out early in our journey back into fertility treatments that we couldn’t get pregnant again (due to severe intrauterine scarring), I was very, very sad. But to be honest, I was also relieved. Relieved that the decision was made for me. No more fertility appointments, no more needles, no more 2ww, etc, etc. But I still want another baby so badly. Its so complicated. My feelings change from week to week and month to month. I hope you find some peace and figure out what it right for you. (here from the Friday Blog Roundup)

  9. It took about a week and a half for me to stop bleeding. But it has been about 10 months since the procedure, and my heart still hasn’t healed at all.

    What I need is a magic pill that can make me stop wanting another baby so much. Because the thing is, it isn’t about having another baby, it is about having more time…more pregnancy time, more baby time, more toddler time, more pre schooler time….I don’t feel DONE and I don’t know if I ever will.

    I hope you find the answers and they bring you peace.

  10. I can understand how you are feeling. This whole thing just totally sucks. It is so hard to put your life on hold for so long when you are just not sure when exactly things will happen. I think your idea of giving yourself a little break is a good one. Take the break, run, drink a glass of wine when you want, and enjoy Lucky. Hopefully that will give your mind and heart some time to heal and you can then decide what you want to do going forward. Thinking of you!

  11. In the end, I had 3 frozen embryos left. I had no hope left however and even worse, no more money. So I just told them to do an unmedicated cycle. My way of saying goodbye to them. If it was meant to be, well then…. and then it was truly over for me. No more saving up for some other try in the future. No more questions about whether I would try again, no more putting my life on hold, etc. Two years later, we adopted an infant and I was finally happy. And then people asked me if he was my “only ” one. Haha.


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