Ups. Downs.

November 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm | Posted in My life, NaBloPoMo, politics | 8 Comments

My reality: a few days of feeling good, really good. Realizing, hey, I’m not broken.

Then. The down.

Today is one of the down days.

I had the BEST afternoon yesterday. I held a baby for 3 hours, my best friend’s son. I even got to change his diaper. I got to talk to him, he smiled at me (okay, well it was at the black and white giraffe, not me, but whatever! A real smile!). I ate cheese and bread and told my best friend I was feeling like the cost of treatments was too high for the promise of a potential baby, and I was feeling peaceful about our decision to suspend family-building efforts for a bit. Maybe indefinitely.

And today I woke up down.

And went to my physical therapist for my ankle, who jokingly asked, no new children in the house? when filling out my intake form, and even though I laughed and shook my head, I wanted to tell him, well, actually, 5 weeks ago when I sprained my ankle, I was pregnant and excited about having a new baby. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not actually pregnant now.

And I have work to do to get my calves to loosen up, and I’m kind of angry today that I have to keep working on calf flexibility when really I just wanted to have a baby and worry about having to start over NEXT year because, you know, I had to take some time off once I had my baby.

And it’s Election Day today. And OMFG I have been DONE with politics since the haters came out the moment President Obama took office. I’m tired of the fighting, the pointing out our differences. And I wish I could be excited about today – it’ll be OVER after today, yay!

But I’ve seen too many nasty things being spoken about politics for way too long now, and I despair. We’re all human, but somehow people FORGET that, and instead go on Facebook and say nasty things about people, call them idiots, because they happen to have different beliefs.

And I want to yell, can’t we all just get along? Agree to disagree?

I don’t think we can. For all the connections we have online, I feel like we travel further and further apart from real, honest connection with other people. We seem to be so far from understanding that we all have hearts and minds and hopes and dreams, and we keep traveling farther and farther away.

The more linked we are online, the more alone we are.

So yeah.

Today I feel empty and lonely and cold and dispirited.



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  1. You’re right. The shield the internet provides is just enough anonymity for us to mudsling and think it’s ok.

    And ❤ ❤ ❤ on the conversation with the PT. I hate those interactions. The swings will continue, but you'll get longer stretches between them. I'm happy you held your friend's baby – that's a huge deal. You're going to be ok, I promise.

  2. I’m sorry today is a down day. I wish I could give you all you deserve. That is so great you were able to happily hold a baby! Impressive. I hope this crappy election will bring us all more peace and hope. Hang on until you have another up day…

  3. Watching the election news from up north, and hoping all ends as well as it possibly can.

    Hugs. I’m sorry today is a down day. I hope tomorrow is better.

  4. I cannot wait until I don’t have to see another presidential or senate mud-slinging commercial for several years! Only a few more hours! Sorry today is one of those rough days. I hate when people make “those types” pf comments. I know they probably don’t mean any harm, but they also have no idea the pain that a question like that elicits for people who have been through IF/PL. I hope tomorrow is a better day. At least no more hateful political ads on TV!

  5. I have been anxiously awaiting the end of this political cycle. I am done, Done, DONE, mostly with the sheep that just get in line behind their party’s candidate regardless of what he stands for. But, yeah, I can’t wait for the end of the day, hoping it brings a definitive result and not one that drags on til Christmas.

    As for you, I am sorry that today is a not great one and I believe that dispirited is probably an accurate way to describe it. I am hoping the clouds life one day at a time.

    Sending comforting thoughts your way.

  6. Oh Serenity. I so get the up days and the down days. I’m trying now to approach both with curiosity and without attachment. “Hmmm I feel good today. I wonder why that is.” Or “Interesting, today I am sad. I wonder why that is.” Somedays I’m good at that curiosity. Some days I suck at it.

    I also understand the technology-forcing-us-apart hypothesis. It reminds me of an NPR piece I heard recently, about how usin technology we are alone, together. Here is the link, if you’re interested.

    Let me know if that doesn’t work. I’m commenting from my phone so it might be wonky.

    Abidin with you.

  7. Oh, Serenity. *hug*

    On the other hand, the more linked we are online, the more chances we have to find other people who won’t make us feel so alone. While some people use technology as a shield, I give thanks for it … for people like you.

    I’m sorry that you’re having a down day … and am sending love and light your way.

  8. I know you’ll start feeling more on an even keel as time goes by. Until then, thinking of you.

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