Mama Drama, part… 50?November 8, 2012 at 10:03 am | Posted in NaBloPoMo, Stuck with You (aka: Family), Stuff Outta My Head | 9 Comments
So the whole drama with my mother has been wearing on me.
Lucky wrote his FIRST SENTENCE, with me only sounding out the phonetics of the letters, on a card meant for her. I have yet to get a response from her.
Nor has Charlie heard from my dad since he emailed him, at work, to tell him about my miscarriage and resulting D&E.
I can tell you the discussions that’s happened in my parents’ house. My father tells my mother, Charlie Brown emailed me. Serenity had a miscarriage and surgery.
My mother’s response: I don’t care if she had to have a foot amputated. There is NO excuse for the way she treated me and I’m not calling her until she apologizes.
Which is why I haven’t heard from them, I’m certain.
And right now, I want to laugh from the sheer absurdity of it all. My mother will not talk to me until I apologize? Over a stupid phone call? She’s willing to walk away from a relationship with me, her son in law, and her grandson because she didn’t like what I had to say – no, wait, the WAY I SAID IT?
Seriously? Is this happening?
I very nearly called her yesterday. My plan was to ask, Are we really DOING this, Mom? Because it seems pretty ridiculous to stop talking because of a phone call.
But then I thought through it. One of the things my mother might do is lecture me on how hard it is on HER to have surgery, deal with all the recovery crap and physical therapy and whatnot. And how she has such bad allergies, and can’t travel. And that will make me angry, because honestly, her shit isn’t that bad.
I have a son who has life-threatening allergies, where we’ve ended up in the Emergency Room. TWICE this year. I had a miscarriage and D&E, which by the way, was surgery. And we’re traveling.
Can I keep my cool when listening to her woes? Not sure I can.
I’ve been thinking about our relationship and what I want from my mother. Because I know I’ll never get what I really WANT – someone who actually thinks about ME and asks about me. Someone who cares about me, as a person, and what makes me tick.
It’s not that my mom is a bad person. She just can’t see past herself to look at others, to really care about others. Her world is myopically focused on herself. Her health “issues.” The weather in Texas and the things SHE likes to do.
That’s the reality of our relationship. And I’ve known this for years.
So why can’t I accept it? Why can’t I smile and nod when she talks? Why can’t I humor her, like everyone else does?
I don’t know.
I want a relationship with her for my son. My grandfather was the light of my life when I was a child. My parents are really, really good grandparents. Restricting Lucky’s access to his grandparents because I’m pissed off that my mother is selfish doesn’t FEEL right to me.
Which means I HAVE to humor her. Accept that she’s selfish, and will never travel to us, and that if I want Lucky to have a relationship with his Texas grandparents, it’s going to be work. For me.
With that in mind, I just drafted an email to her.
It struck me yesterday, on the way home from work, that this whole situation is really kind of ridiculous. Are we really doing this – not speaking because of a telephone conversation?
I am sorry if you felt like I was yelling at you. It was not my intention to yell. I admit: I struggle a lot with the fact that you and Dad live really far away and don’t like to travel much. It hurts to hear that you won’t come to Massachusetts because the weather is never good enough for you, and I was looking at the Christmas thing as yet another reason not to travel. Which isn’t fair, because I know that surgery is hard and you NEEDED to get it done.
I also had some things going on with me. We’ve spent the past 2 years trying for another baby, which for us requires surgeries and doctors, because we need in-vitro fertilization (apparently many) to get pregnant. I finally got pregnant about a month ago, which turned out not to be viable. Our conversation happened in the midst of the waiting to find out if it was viable and then to finally miscarry. There was a lot of emotion not related to you in there.
I love you and Dad both, and I very much want a relationship with you. The irony of this whole thing is that I’m frustrated because I’d like to see you both MORE than we do. And I really would like for this whole thing to be over, if you’re willing.
Anyway. I’m working from home today if you want to talk.