A Fine Balance.November 13, 2012 at 1:01 am | Posted in Mythical #2, NaBloPoMo, Random Stuff, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 5 Comments
When I first started blogging 7 years ago, the internet was a different place. I blogged mainly to connect with other people like me. I blogged as an outlet, as a way to work out my feelings.
It was my journal – hidden on the internet. (Which, of course, was smart, right? Put your journal on the internet. Where anyone could read your words, Serenity. Brilliant.)
So okay. Eventually, I figured out my journal writing needed editing. Since then, I’ve tried to blog my life honestly, the way I see things right now.
And over the years I’ve written about things which I did not understand. I have published posts which now make me cringe. Like, for example, the posts about my poor sister-in-law, who did nothing TO me, except to get pregnant before me. How poorly I handled our relationship during her pregnancy. And man, early on when my nephew was born, I did not understand how torturous that newborn time can be on a new mom – particularly when there’s nursing problems to boot.
All I could see was my longing for a baby, and the hope that the pregnancy I never felt I deserved would allow me to bring home a live baby. And I admit: I really want to delete those words I wrote during that time sometimes. I’ve gone back and TRIED to delete words, but then stopped. Because I was not kind. But they’re my words, and it chronicles how I felt at the time.
Or like about my mother. This space is an integral place for me to work out the baggage I have from my childhood. And I say things that are probably NOT very nice about my mother. Because I can, and I’m working through my issues, and I need to get it out to feel okay.
But, you know, my mother has her own story, too. And when I write about the way I see my life, through my viewfinder, I say mean and potentially untrue things about my mother, too.
I’ve wondered what would happen if my mother, or my sister-in-law, or someone I love who didn’t KNOW I blogged found my blog, and read through my archives. Would they see my posts as the way I see my life, through my own lens, or would they just hate the things I said about them? Would they see how I’ve changed over the years? Or would my words wound them, undercut the foundation of our relationship?
I sometimes feel like I need to apologize to them for the words they have no idea I’ve written about them.
My first apology? To my sister in law. I was so awful about her pregnancy with my nephew. Looking back now, she was KIND in how she delivered the news that she was pregnant. She thought about us, worried about us, felt awful for us. And in the intervening years, she actually struggled to stay pregnant. Yes, she gets it now, but she was so good to us when she DIDN’T get it.
And now? She’s been so amazing to us as we do cycle after cycle after cycle for Mythical #2. I would say, outside of my best friends and my sister, I rely on her for emotional support, especially of late as I navigate this early-loss-after-seeing-a-heartbeat Suck. She was the first one to respond with a measure of caution about the first ultrasound, and she’s emailed me to check in often in the past couple of weeks. She’s been so self-deprecating about her own pregnancy, trying to be kind, not wanting to hurt me. Really, she’s an amazing person, and I’m lucky to have her in my life.
Five years ago, I didn’t know her well at all. I know her better now, and I love her, and I was so unkind to her on this blog and in my head about her pregnancy.
And maybe, 5 years from now, I’ll feel the same way about the posts I’ve made about my mother.
(Okay, maybe not.)
As a blogger, I recognize that writing honestly about the story of my life and how it’s unfolding is why I am here. It’s why I’ve been writing for the past 7 years. But then, once it’s set
in stone on the interwebs, it’s there forever, for all to see. And eventually, someone close to me will find me. And even though I blog anonymously, anyone who knows me would, well, KNOW me when they came to my blog.
And I’ve said things over the years I have had no business of saying. I felt it at the time, and I blogged honestly about it. And over the years, I’ve started to see the big picture of my life, to really understand something I only glimpsed years ago.
Relationships continue on long after the here and now.
So how do you write about the here and now without affecting, somehow, you future relationship between you and someone you love? How do you write honestly, in the here and now, and not say something that five years later you might regret?
I feel like the best way to do this is the way I’ve gotten through the past couple of weeks.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, be kind in your thoughts, be kind with your words.
I just wish I had learned this 5 years ago when I first started blogging.