I’m Good. Until I’m Not.

November 26, 2012 at 6:30 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, NaBloPoMo | 13 Comments

It’s kind of amazing how well I am doing with this whole mess. BFP, yay. But then spotting. Then we’re dragged along for a couple of ultrasounds before we find out it’s not viable. D&E, then five and a half weeks of bleeding.

Just in time for AF to show! Whee.

The thing is, most of my days I feel pretty good.

Until I don’t.

Today’s one of those days.

I think it’s kind of all hitting me. My new nephew will be here in a matter of days. My BFF’s son is 7 weeks old (and completely gorgeous, btw). My boss is due in a month with her second.

The babylust kicks me in the gut only moments after I am thankful I have my nights of sleep and freedom from naptimes and diapers and nursing.

And it’s so painful to hear people talking about the differences in their kids or see siblings look after each other. It’s so fucking hard.

And it’s November, and it’s my 37th birthday today, and oh I was also pregnant two years ago and look how that worked out, too, and my aunt died two years ago and I miss her more acutely with the passing of time, and I was supposed to be in my second trimester by now, and I still can’t believe my mother was so selfish that she was never going to talk to me unless I made the first step to repair things, and Charlie is traveling for two more weeks, and there are christmas presents to buy and cards to send and deadlines to juggle (because my boss is due in a month).

And when it all hits me, man, it makes me so TIRED.

Tired of people. Tired of my life. Tired of pain and frustration and struggle. Tired of all of this crap. I want to run away to someplace warm and run and sleep in the sun and never have to deal with shitty things again.

And I have this sense: I am sliding back into the darkness, slowly, and I’m completely helpless to stop it. I’m angry with Charlie a lot, over things that even a few months ago I would have let slide. I NOTICE things more, am more critical. I’m impatient with Lucky a lot more than I should be. I am really stressed out, most of the time. I wake up in awful moods and can just never RELAX.

I want to detach. I want to run away. I am so tired of feeling shitty about myself.

I thought I had developed good coping skills. But apparently not so much.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. A week after tomorrow, I believe my therapist is coming off her maternity leave. And Charlie is gone this week and next, then we only have one more week where he travels.

I can do anything for a couple of weeks.

I think.

So, okay. Just muddling through right now. Which is the best I’ve got.



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  1. I’m sorry it has to be so hard. Healing certainly isn’t linear, as you well know, and that stinks. :-/ Some days it’s a victory just to get out of bed and face the day, and you’re doing even more than that.

    Hope your birthday is one of those better days.


  2. One of my only true regrets in life is being so overwhelmed with the crap of life that I didn’t savor every day when my son was little. I simply couldn’t. I was deep in dispair and couldn’t drag myself out. I wonder now how much I missed……as I actually don’t remember so many of those early life times with him. It makes me so sad now because those days are lost. Please talk to your counselor to see if she can help you out of the trench, I don’t want you to look back and have regrets about Luckys quick childhood.

  3. Life is overwhelming at times. I hope you find peace. I hope your birthday is a good one! Best Birthday wishes to you!!

  4. Sorry you are having such a rough day. 😦 Dealing with the same $#!t over and over again is exhausting. I hope today brightens for you and I hope that you have a happy birthday. xoxo

  5. I’m really sorry things are so, so tough right now.
    I hope there is someone who could maybe pitch in and lend a hand to take some of the pressure off while you are single parenting it (I can’t even imagine the stress of a husband who travels often for work). If not, at least get out there and go for a long run 🙂
    Hang in there, some days all you can do is get through each hour.

  6. I’m sorry things are so rough right now. I wish I had an answer. I do wish you a very happy birthday, I hope you can find a little joy in it.

  7. You do have good coping skills, this is just an impossible situation, one you can’t expect is going to keep getting better until it is resolved completely. It will never be completely resolved and as it gets better there will be times when it feels worse. Maybe lots of times when it feels worse. But there will also be times when it feels better and those times will start to outweigh the bad. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m so sorry you have to come to terms with so much uncertainty and frustration and disappointment. No one should have to deal with this. No one.

    Abiding with you.

  8. You DO have good coping skills and you are putting them to the test right now. Anyone would be blue (depressed, anxious, frustrated, in a funk) given all the things that are converging upon you right now. Your husband has been traveling a lot both during your cycle and since which only compounds your stress level and frayed nerves which would, of course, make you snappish with him and your son. You are ONE person. ONE mother. You have a lot on your plate, some of which sucks. Acknowledge that it is OK to have a shitty day (or days) and that it WILL pass (maybe not tomorrow or this week, but it will).

    As someone who has followed you for a long time, I suggest that you need some kind of ‘day off’. It would likely include a long run, a long hot bath or shower, and a service at a day spa, that would include lunch or a snack with a friend. Your soul and your self need to be fed.

    As I having opined before, I wish I were closer because I would watch Lucky so that you could take a day, to yourself and for yourself. You deserve that much, guilt-free. And, needing it or wanting it does not make you a bad person or selfish. It makes you a human woman with needs that can not be disregarded or ignored.

    Hugging you from afar…

  9. You DO have good coping skills. It seems to me, from the outside at least, like you have a really good balance of knowing you need to let yourself be sad sometimes but also trying to come up with things to make you feel better. It also sounds like November is a rough month for you, with anniversaries of various things. It’s too bad today is not one of the good days, but I do hope it shapes up (or at least you were able to do something with Charlie Brown before he went away again).

  10. Hugs, hun. One day at a time. You will get through everything. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. The other commenters are right: you do have good coping skills. You are dealing with so much at once- I would be a basket case.

  11. I am so very sorry you have to deal with all of this. For what it might be worth, I think you’re holding up remarkably well under some extraordinary stress. I hope your day brightened up a bit. Happy Birthday!!

  12. You can be coping and still have bad days. In fact, you are probably not coping with things if you were having all good days. Still, I know how much it sucks to have those bad days, especially if it comes after having some pretty good days. xoxo

  13. Missed this but reading back … and I agree, too … I think your coping skills are pretty awesome. This is where you come to not HAVE to “cope.” I *am* glad that your therapist will be back, though, and that Charlie won’t be traveling so much.

    I remember feeling a bit like what you describe at 37, when I hadn’t had another and my son was turning 4, and when it felt like all my body was capable of doing was producing loss after loss. It felt like a very deep hole. Sending you love, and strength for the days when you feel like you can take a deep breath and run.

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