I’m Good. Until I’m Not.November 26, 2012 at 6:30 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, NaBloPoMo | 13 Comments
It’s kind of amazing how well I am doing with this whole mess. BFP, yay. But then spotting. Then we’re dragged along for a couple of ultrasounds before we find out it’s not viable. D&E, then five and a half weeks of bleeding.
Just in time for AF to show! Whee.
The thing is, most of my days I feel pretty good.
Until I don’t.
Today’s one of those days.
I think it’s kind of all hitting me. My new nephew will be here in a matter of days. My BFF’s son is 7 weeks old (and completely gorgeous, btw). My boss is due in a month with her second.
The babylust kicks me in the gut only moments after I am thankful I have my nights of sleep and freedom from naptimes and diapers and nursing.
And it’s so painful to hear people talking about the differences in their kids or see siblings look after each other. It’s so fucking hard.
And it’s November, and it’s my 37th birthday today, and oh I was also pregnant two years ago and look how that worked out, too, and my aunt died two years ago and I miss her more acutely with the passing of time, and I was supposed to be in my second trimester by now, and I still can’t believe my mother was so selfish that she was never going to talk to me unless I made the first step to repair things, and Charlie is traveling for two more weeks, and there are christmas presents to buy and cards to send and deadlines to juggle (because my boss is due in a month).
And when it all hits me, man, it makes me so TIRED.
Tired of people. Tired of my life. Tired of pain and frustration and struggle. Tired of all of this crap. I want to run away to someplace warm and run and sleep in the sun and never have to deal with shitty things again.
And I have this sense: I am sliding back into the darkness, slowly, and I’m completely helpless to stop it. I’m angry with Charlie a lot, over things that even a few months ago I would have let slide. I NOTICE things more, am more critical. I’m impatient with Lucky a lot more than I should be. I am really stressed out, most of the time. I wake up in awful moods and can just never RELAX.
I want to detach. I want to run away. I am so tired of feeling shitty about myself.
I thought I had developed good coping skills. But apparently not so much.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. A week after tomorrow, I believe my therapist is coming off her maternity leave. And Charlie is gone this week and next, then we only have one more week where he travels.
I can do anything for a couple of weeks.
So, okay. Just muddling through right now. Which is the best I’ve got.