Time.November 27, 2012 at 10:08 am | Posted in My life, Mythical #2, NaBloPoMo, Parenting, Pregnancy Loss | 6 Comments
The thing about birthdays.
It’s not that I am afraid of getting older, or I hate the number I am this year – 37 – or even that it’s close to 40. It’s not actually BEING close to middle aged, which I am.
It’s just that birthdays are a marker. They’re a physical reminder that time flows onward. And it seems over the past few years that time has gone by FASTER than before, like it’s speeding up.
Lucky will be 5 in March. Even though it feels as if he’s been a part of me forever, I have a memory of him being born. In my head, it just yesterday. I remember it vividly – the cool spring air, the dribble of my amniotic fluid, sitting in my car in the parking garage waiting for my OB’s office to call me back, walking to L&D and taking deep breaths to quell the anxiety and worry.
Then those nights in the hospital, him laying next to me, staring at me with those dark eyes of his. The full moon rising outside our hospital window, how the lights of Fenway were on even though it was early March.
It was yesterday; moments ago.
And I’m struggling with the idea that after the two years we’ve been trying, we still don’t even have the HOPE of another baby. I have cycle buddies from the IVF cycles we did for our second who have gone on to have a baby… and are now pregnant again. I used to hope that I’d get pregnant and our son or daughter would be close in age to my niece, who will be three in July. And my sister-in-law will be having my new nephew this week.
It used to feel like we were just marking time. But we are now watching children we love grow up right in front of our eyes. Lucky. My BFF’s new son (how is it possible he’s 7 weeks old already?). My niece and nephew.
It’s just going by so fast. And I know I’m going to blink and Lucky’s going to be off to college, and then I’ll be dancing with him at his wedding, and I’ll wonder where all the time went.
I mean, hell, I’m wondering that NOW. Where the hell has the time GONE? How is it that 2 minutes after I turned 25, I am now 37? How is it that we’ve spent another TWO YEARS on family building? Is it worth it to keep trying, when Lucky will be 6 before he has CHANCE of a sibling?
Should we stop waiting for bus we hope will take us to our Mythical Child and start walking, start DOING something with this time?
I have no answers. And days like yesterday, a day where I’m consistently reminded that time marches ever on, make me wonder and worry that I’ve wasted too much of my life on family building.
And I have this pervasive fear: we’ll not only never end up with another baby, but years from now I’ll look back and regret wasting all this time… on all this heartbreak.