And Just Like That…

December 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility, Pregnancy Loss | 5 Comments

… our weekend is over and it’s December.

It was a great weekend; filled with trips to the zoo and musuem of science and industry and chaos and fun and four-and-five-year-old-Drama and hand-drawn pictures with markers and dance parties until midnight and early mornings and too much food and wine.

We left Charlie today. It was hard to walk away and go into the airport without him. But he’ll be home on Thursday, and is home with us for a whole week… then only has ONE more week in Ohio before he’s done for good.

And I arrived home today to a letter from my RE about our cycle and her recommendation. Which we largely discussed already, so there’s really nothing new in there. It does, however, call out specifically the “11mm septum remnant,” which suggests that my RE believes that I don’t actually have a bicornuate uterus, it’s septate and I still have a little over a centimeter of septum left in there.

And my SIL had my new nephew over the weekend. He’s adorable from the pictures I’ve seen and I’m hoping we’ll get to visit her this week.

I think I’m in Fallout Mode right now. Literally not even a SECOND after I think, I am so thankful our life is simple, I am kicked in the gut with longing. Bitterness. Jealousy. Loss.

These seem to be the pills I’m trying to swallow lately.

And I don’t know why it’s eating me up like this: the idea that it really IS my uterus that is the cause of our failures.

I loathe my body for it.

And I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I have lost all hope in having another baby; I don’t even know if I have it in me to even try again.

But there is no peace.

Just pain.



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  1. I have no words that make this easier. Hell, if I did I’d ask you to say them to me. All I’ve got is to tell you I’m here, you’re not alone, and send my sincere hope for peace. Much love my friend.

  2. After several losses the docs decided it was my septate that was primarily the cause of my infertility (they couldn’t come up with any other real substantial reason). They told me I wouldn’t be able to carry to term (one loss was in the 5th month) and that I should not try any more. Fast forward and I had a successful full term (with a few scares along the way) pregnancy…..then another loss….then success again. Medical science is great but they really don’t know as much as they want us to believe. My point is that you do what you think you need/want to do. Listen to their opinions, but know that that is all they are….opinions.

  3. I have no words of wisdom to share, if I did, I would. I just wanted to comment so you’d know there were still people reading who feel for you and are hoping you find peace.

  4. One more week and you’re done with the single parenting shifts. You’ll get through this. When your life returns to normal I think you will find you will have the time to process everything that you’ve been going through. You are on all the time right now, you have no time to really deal with any of this. You’ll get there, you’ll be okay. *hugs*

  5. I don’t have any assvice but am catching up reading and just wanted to let you know that I am sitting here with you, offering support and wishing I could help.

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