Unraveling.December 5, 2012 at 5:11 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Pregnancy Loss | 5 Comments
I have been feeling Not Great lately. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Angry. Tired.
Which, you know, things are busy. I’m tired. Charlie’s been traveling, yada yada.
But honestly, what’s been getting me lately is what feels like delayed-onset grieving. Okay, yeah, I had a miscarriage. Which was nearly two months ago at this point. Yes, it sucked.
But why do I feel as if I am unraveling NOW?
It wasn’t until yesterday, when I had a conversation with one of my best friends, that it was clear to me.
I haven’t had TIME to really grieve, really process. I haven’t seen my therapist in months. I’ve largely spent most of the time keeping our life going for Lucky and I, marking time in between the weekends Charlie is home. Even my runs right now are squeezed into 30 and 45 minute chunks, where I spend most of my time trying not to stress about the fact that I’m taking time away from working.
So what’s been happening, lately, is the same old, same old – I don’t give myself time and space to grieve. Because, honestly, I don’t really have TIME. I have to keep both Lucky and I fed, and clean, and clothed in clean clothing, and in our normal routines as much as possible. It’s not HARD, but it means I have very little time for the luxury of FEELING.
And right now, the wondering what’s next… well, that wears on me more than I can say. Always before now I’ve had an IDEA of what’s next. We keep cycling until we go through our embryos. Then we’re done.
I don’t KNOW if I can do this again. I really don’t. But I also don’t know if I can walk away from our last three embryos.
What I need to come to terms with is that this could happen again. I could get pregnant, and lose another pregnancy. And quite honestly, I don’t want to do that whole pregnancy then loss thing ever again.
And it’s not just the emotional crap: seeing my embryo’s heartbeat flicker on the ultrasound… thinking: Hi baby! Only to be told moments later what I thought would be our baby was dying. Yes. That part was so fucking hard.
But it’s also the physical suck. FINALLY, two months later, the pain in my glutes from the PIO shots when I run is GONE.
And yes, I am STILL bleeding, 7 weeks after the procedure. Spotting, mostly. But yeah, blood.
That’s where I am now. All of this. Netted us NOTHING. We are no closer to bringing home a sibling for Lucky than we were 2 years ago when we started. And even worse, it’s looking like IVF might NOT work, and that we just got really, really, REALLY lucky with our son.
Who, of course, with all the babies in our life, is now TALKING about babies. His new thing? Santa Claus brings babies to our house, as long as we’ve been nice and not naughty he’ll leave new babies in our stockings.
I KNOW it’s because so many people we know have new babies, and Lucky doesn’t REALLY grasp the concept of having a sibling, and he’ll ultimately be fine if our family is just the three of us.
It’s just a reminder I don’t need. Because right now reminders of what we might not ever have are everywhere. It’s on FB, in Christmas cards, on the news, on the pantyliner, in my dreams, in my son’s pictures at school.
And I’m having a hard time coping with all of it because I simply don’t have time to grieve.
I hope, anyway. Because there are days like two days ago, when I wrote my last post, where I couldn’t ever see how I’d find Happiness.
Thankfully today is better. I had a great run yesterday, and a productive day and evening (even did work at home. Yay me!) and by the end of the day yesterday I felt like, okay, maybe I WON’T drown in the morass of my life right now.
It’s GOING to get better. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Anyway. I know my posts lately have been complete downers. I don’t like it when I write about heartbreak over and over and over. I DO have things other than stress and heartbreak to talk about, to share with you all.
Thank you for bearing with me these past few weeks.