December 20, 2012 at 10:33 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, My life | 6 Comments

I wish my words weren’t all clotted up inside me, blocking escape.

I wish I could sleep through the night, instead of waking and thinking about the children and adults who lost their lives on Friday morning.

I wish I could write about how much Newtown has affected me, how I feel a deep grief on a level I cannot fully explain.

I wish I could stop feeling guilty.

I wish I was a better wife. Mother. Friend.

I wish the holidays inspired joy inside me, instead of stress and despair.

I wish I could run away to a place that’s warm, and I’m free from the Dark Place that seems to hold me prisoner.

I wish I could bottle up the moments where Lucky asks to snuggle with me, when he throws an arm over my neck and nestles his face into my neck, just before falling asleep.

I wish the sound of a crying baby would stop being a blow to my heart.

I wish our family had more time to spend together, just the three of us, without responsibilities or other people staking claim on us.

I wish I didn’t hate myself for all my perceived weaknesses and shortcomings.

I wish.



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  1. I wish too.

  2. I wish with you.
    You’re not alone. ❤

  3. I am having a really, really hard time with Newtown, in a way I cannot possibly put into words. But I am also waking at night and consumed with thoughts about it.

    You are not alone.

    Hoping you can find some peace and joy this holiday season.

  4. I know this is so much easier said than done and that you are working on it, but sweetie you need to be kinder to yourself. You are human. You are doing the best you can. You are okay. You deserve to be loved. It’s okay to be sad, but being said doesn’t make you a bad person or less deserving of love. Hugs.

  5. I know, girl, it’s still hard. It’s still everywhere reminding me, and there’s always the arguing and discussion. It will all get easier though, I promise. you have a lot to be thankful for; sometimes it helps, even for a second, to focus only on that. xx

  6. hello. I am sorry to hear of your heartache and pain surrounding trying to conceive. I am ad to read that u are living more through your body than your head. i hope your time in Florida was a wonderful time. I am wondering if u think there is any chance myself at age 24 could have been exposed to DES? I have a cockscomb cervix. that I learned about early this pregnancy. I have a family practice doctor and not an OB. they said not to worry but did ask if my mom was taking DES while pregnant with me. I asked my mom and she said no. the only thing she took was prenatal vitamins. I was born in 88. well past the ban on DES. I don’t know how common a cockscomb cervix is but the only information I can find on it are in relation to DES. I know u have probably done a lot more research than myself. I am just worried about the fact that my cockscomb cervix is not even thought about anymore by my doctors. I had my cervical length checked at my 18 week ultrasound and they said that was enough info and I should be fine. so I put it on the backbur er. however I am curious as to why I have this anomaly and why I am so young with a cockscomb cervix. thanks for reading this. I will keep u in my thoughts. I understand the heard road of miscarriages. however they always considered mine chemical pregnancies … another sign of DES exposure.

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