No Good.

January 14, 2013 at 3:06 pm | Posted in A Year of Mindfulness, And I ran (I ran so far away) | 3 Comments

For so long now, I’ve had this internal monologue. And though it changes, depending on my moods and what’s going on in my life right now, it can really be parsed to a few words.

You’re no good, Serenity.

__________________________

My best friend and I made plans to have lunch at the end of next week, and it wasn’t until Sunday that I realized: you know, we never had our lunch together.

Turns out she got struck down by the flu last week. And thankfully her parents are in town, but why didn’t I check in with her when I hadn’t heard from her for a couple of days?

I kind of suck at this friend thing.

__________________________

My boss’s three week old son is in the NICU with a case of RSV. And she sent me an email last night about how it would take a load off her mind if I could work today and commit to more hours this week. But talking with her today, she just wants me to work faster on the scut work I’m doing now. Which, for anyone interested, is going through a year’s worth of invoices and figuring out if the invoice should be accrued for or booked as a prepaid on the quarter end dates.

It’s numbingly boring, soul-killing work. Important, because the company basically has never really used the accrual method of accounting, but I’m done with it. And it’s sucked ANY motivation I might have dredged up for this client right out the window.

And I had a conversation with another friend this weekend, where she said she was okay with doing something that wasn’t her passion, because she was good at her job, and she took satisfaction in taking on challenges and being successful.

I don’t know the last time I felt like I was good at my job. It’s been years.

__________________________

After three weeks of happily doing nothing but running, my legs are achy and tight and am THIS close to a recurrence of my IT Band tendinitis. So I am back at the gym and weight training, which is absolute drudgery. I KNOW it’ll help my runs, but I hate it and finding the time to do it is hard on a consistent basis.

And honestly, what’s the POINT? It’s not like I’m going to break any records anyway. I COULD just run half marathons with friends, chatting the whole way, just for the sake of getting out. Why do I keep forcing myself to run faster and get better?

_________________________

Charlie and I have had some words over what I am calling the Lucky Yell. I think it’s good that he’s using his words to tell us that he’s angry, and that eventually he’ll figure out he can’t yell at us all the time.

Charlie hates being yelled at.

And I realized, as I was defending Lucky’s yelling habit: I yell too. Way too much.

What I used to think as passion?

It’s just anger.

_________________________

These are my internal monologues, you see. And until recently, I’ve actually played into it. Allowed myself to really BELIEVE the words I’ve told myself. That I suck. That I’m no good. That I have to make up for my No Good by working harder and longer; really PROVING that I’m okay.

It’s part of why I’ve been doing treatments for so long, you see. I believe, on some level, that I don’t deserve kids. And doing treatments over and over? I’m making up for not being worthy by suffering.

I’ve been noticing this, you see. And I’m starting to resist it.

Who SAYS I have to do any more treatments? Keep working a job I hate? Run harder and faster and longer to prove that my body’s not a failure?

I don’t have to do anything. I don’t HAVE to be captive to my Inner Critic.

I think, anyway. Time will only tell.

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3 Comments »

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  1. Ooooh. There’s some really good stuff in here. You’re only touching on it, mind you, but I know that’s because there’s a bigger internal monologue going on than you’re writing.

    “…making up for not being worthy by suffering.” Wow. Powerful stuff right there, Serenity.

    Have you read any of Brene Brown’s stuff? I started with The Gifts of Imperfection. Incredibly powerful stuff. I just started Daring Greatly. She’s amazing. Check out her TED talks too. Totally worth it.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ I think of you often.

  2. Wow, so much going on in there.

    The way I see it, the only thing you have to do is change your internal tape. Replacing the endless “I suck” tape with one more positive (or even neutral would be a start) so that every time those thoughts creep up, you automatically (forcibly if need be) switch to your new tape.

    Self love, Serenity, self love. You ARE good enough. You ARE deserving. You ARE worthy.

  3. NO, you are NOT a bad friend. In fact, most of the time I think you are too nice for your own good. Not that I mind, personally, but it does make me wonder sometimes if you don’t feel good about yourself if you aren’t going out of your way to be nice to others. It’s okay if you forgot to check in on your friend with the flu, or if you cant/won’t work the extra hours your boss wants.

    With the running, I think there is a difference between doing it to feel good about your improvements and doing it to feel bad you’re not even better.

    I don’t know how to fix this problem. Are there some things in life you do feel good at?


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