Healing Happens in the Waiting.January 29, 2013 at 10:50 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On. | 5 Comments
A few years ago, I joined a fitness board called dailymile. At the time I used it to log my miles, my training for my half marathon. I liked the idea of having a place to keep my training online.
Over time, I realized that it was kind of like Facebook for people who loved to run and cycle and swim and work out. And I started accepting friend requests, then sending them out myself.
There was this one girl, though, who I felt a real kinship with. She ran HUGE mileage every week, because she was anxious and type A and needed the release of a run. And she was honest about it; talking about how she had to get on the treadmill at midnight to keep away the anxiety.
Turns out she was going through a divorce, and though she never talked about it until after it was over, all those miles were to keep the pain at bay.
I said in my last post that all my coping mechanisms weren’t working. Which isn’t fully true. The release I find in physical exertion is very real right now. It’s the one thing that can right my world when I can’t handle the anger or pain anymore. And I’m happy to find that it’s not just running right now; it’s cycling and strength training and stair climbing and running and swimming.
Which is good, because I am not the kind of runner who can only run and not do anything else – otherwise I get injured. I need the crosstraining and strengthwork if I want to run the kind of miles I want to.
Anyway. This girl on dailymile has been blogging lately. And her post today was about waiting.
And the brilliance of it can be captured in one sentence: I know that healing happens in the waiting.
I know this is a revelation to most of you… but I don’t have a lot of patience.
(yes, that was said with sarcasm.)
It’s just because I’m tired of feeling like shit and I want to move on. I want to find a place where this doesn’t hurt so much, where a question – only one child?– doesn’t hurt so much. I want to be in a place where I am truly at peace with the life I have now, IN the here and now. I fear a future where I look back and regret not being more present because I was hurting.
I am so tired of feeling Stuck, of longing and wanting for something I do not have.
That’s my overwhelming feeling, honestly. Tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying to cope. Tired of the whole battle against infertility. Tired of hurting.
And it’s because I’m tired that I’m trying to DO something to Get Over It. Like, you know, there’s something I can actually DO to cope, some training program where I can run my miles and do my exercises and get through the Suck of it all.
But the thing is. Healing happens in the waiting.
So I wait.
And a note to you all, my dear readers. I loathe the posts where I pour my grief into the computer. It’s why I’ve been quiet, because I keep telling myself I need to post about ALL of my life, not just the stuff I don’t have. I do have moments of love and happiness and contentment, where I really do believe that I’m going to come out of all of this Suck a stronger person for it.
It’s just overwhelmed with all the stuff I’m trying to work through – it’s a lot to process all at once.
Anyway. I wanted to acknowledge – and thank you all – for abiding with me, especially since I’ve been a not-great blogger and an even not-greater commenter lately. I love you all and want you to know that your comments, emails, texts, and presence have helped me immensely since the fall. So. Thank you.