What Now?February 21, 2014 at 4:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
It’s funny. Even when I believe have found a lasting peace in walking away from treatments?
Any reminder of how much time and energy and suffering we spent on treatments brings on a flare of grief and anger with a depth that scares me.
We couldn’t have known how things would turn out, though. I mean, I was able to carry a baby to term. Why wouldn’t we think we could do it again?
Whenever I get mad at how much time we wasted on treatments, I keep reminding myself: We couldn’t have known.
We didn’t know. We thought that all the struggle would be worth it when we brought home our baby.
But the fact is, we did not bring home a baby. We are done.
So what now?
I don’t want to use this space to mourn my lost chances anymore. I need to change the way I think and feel about our infertility.
I used to refer to it as making lemonade. Back when we were trying for Lucky, I had hoped that it would being good karma to our cycles; that if I looked at things in a positive light, it might help it work.
The fallout from my last miscarriage scared the shit out of me; it took me months to claw out of that dark hole of hopelessness.
Changing the way I view our infertility and the End of Treatments is more than just a way to make lemonade or create good karma now.
It is essential – so we can move on. And heal.
So. What now?
I have always been the kind of person who looks ahead and changes up my life when I feel like I am unhappy. Hate my career? No problem – go back to school for a new one. Can’t have a baby? No problem – go to a new clinic and try a new protocol.
I need to learn how to change my feelings without changing my life.
I am considering learning mediation. I have the idea that creating space in my life for stillness might be a good thing for me.
I am also still working with my therapist. After three years of working together, I trust her to help me get down into the heart of the real issues: 38 years of mental and emotional habits are hard to break.
I know that healing is not linear. I also know that I need to take this a day at a time.
And I do know that we will all be okay in the end.
That is something, for sure.