The Good And The Bad.May 3, 2014 at 4:15 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
That’s it, isn’t it.
The path to happiness is going to have good days and bad. And the only thing I can do is keep moving forward, until one day I realize that the good days outnumber the bad.
Which. Actually, if I’m being honest, they do now.
The flip out: a perfect storm of the fallout from spending a week at my parents’s house, hormones, the end of my marathon training cycle, and money stress.
The trip to Texas forced me to confront the reality: my parents are alcoholics. Highly functioning ones, but alcoholics nonetheless. They pose no danger to anyone but themselves; they have a strict rule that there is no driving after ANY alcoholic beverage. Period.
But they are drunk every evening. My siblings and I cannot call past a certain time in the evening because we’ve had actual conversations which my mother and father have not remembered we’ve called. Their routine: 4 or 5 or 10 (I lost count, honestly) martinis until they pass out on the couch in front of the TV.
Lucky was spared this; the bulk of their drinking was done after he went to bed every night.
But I was not.
I know I cannot control it, that this is their choice, and quite honestly, I don’t have the energy to fight them in order to make them see that their drinking is a problem. Maybe it’s only a problem in MY eyes; they certainly aren’t hurting anyone else, and I don’t really even KNOW that they’ll die younger because of their drinking.
Still, though, it was really hard to watch. There were multiple nights where I went to bed early and put on headphones because I could not deal with the ridiculousness of my mother while inebriated.
Hormones: well, the day I posted my rant, I got AF. And no matter how far away from treatments I get, ovulation and AF signify a waste of yet another egg, another cycle.
Also – I run my marathon next Sunday, so I’m in what’s known as the taper phase of training right now. Basically, I’m running much less mileage as I was even three weeks ago. And as the fatigue from my cumulative miles lifts, I find myself antsy and on edge a lot more.
And I haven’t been working much the past couple of months. Combined with the month of April where we paid some money to the government in taxes, I had to pay my Q1 estimated taxes, AND we had to replace an exterior door (which was surprisingly much more expensive than I thought it would be!)… I’m not feeling as secure with money.
I’m really struggling here; we’re trying to get to a place where we just live off Charlie’s income so we can pay down the little debt we have (student loans, our HELOC and our mortgage) so in the future I don’t HAVE to work.
The problem is, I kind of hate working anyway, so living like we have no money AND feeling like I have to work makes me resentful.
Anyway. That’s where I was coming from in my last post.
It really isn’t all that bad all the time – it just was yesterday. And when it’s bad, I get scared and panicky and I want to beat myself up for not being different. I mean, really, Serenity, just deal with what you’ve been given. You’re LUCKY. How come you can’t just freaking MOVE ON?
And that’s the thing. I seem to have this idea that moving on means I won’t ever feel sad or scared or panicky or beat myself up.
But life is made up of BOTH the good and the bad. And I need to accept – maybe even embrace – it all.