Now What?May 7, 2014 at 4:43 pm | Posted in Moving On., My life, Stuff Outta My Head, The End of Trying | 6 Comments
There’s a voice in my head, all the time. It constantly asks me the following questions.
Now what? What are you going to do NOW, Serenity? You have no PLAN. What next? What are we going to DO?
I am not certain I realized the extent to which I have these thoughts until recently. Because, well, there’s always been something to focus on. For years now, I’ve had a focus. School, then college, then getting a job, then graduate school, then getting married, then getting a house, then starting a family, then adding to our family.
For as much as I loathed the Fail of treatments, I always had a Plan. Even when we were on a break, there was some other focus. A marathon during the break, then I’ll figure out what to do next. More fail? Okay, ANOTHER marathon, maybe this time with a BQ!
And then we stopped treatment – really ended it.
Finding myself in the here and now, without My Next, means that my mind works overtime A LOT.
I read somewhere once – I wish I could remember where – that the mind grabs onto problems and hangs onto them like a dog who doesn’t want to relinquish its bone.
In the vacuum created by stopping treatments, it’s like my mind cannot handle having nothing to do. And even though I’m telling it calm down, we’re just going to sit with stillness and live without a Plan for a bit, and isn’t it fun and empowering to go with the flow for now?
It wants nothing to do with it.
So what’s been happening is that I’ve either created drama (aka, the freakout the other day)… or I find myself struggling with anxiety. I feel like I should be doing a million things. I need to write lists. I start to think about my career and what it means that I don’t love my job. I start down the path of thinking that maybe I should start researching adoption. I make my plans for more marathons and training cycles, maybe a 50k or a 50 miler, or maybe I should try and focus on getting faster in shorter races before I add more longer races to my calendar? Hrm, let’s do some research, Serenity, and figure it out!
Really, I’m incredibly bad at sitting with things and not making decisions right now because there’s no need to make a decision.
I always knew I was Type A, but I really didn’t see the depths to which I NEED to have movement. And I have this sense: If I’m always jumping from thing to thing, task to task, milestone to milestone, how can I be happy in the here and now?
So I’m resisting it. Whenever I feel that anxiety, that need to move, or have a plan, or look ahead, I tell myself we’re just going to sit here for a bit.
It’s incredibly uncomfortable. It offers me no escape. It is forcing me to look honestly at myself. I’m not sure I like what I see, but then again, I’m not sure I’m seeing the whole picture, either.
But I think it’s part of why I’m having a hard time writing. Because I’m uncomfortable, and I don’t really trust my ideas about my life and plans and career and marriage.
I don’t think I’m as unhappy as my mind is trying to make me be. Because if I am happy, then what is there else to DO? There is no next then. It just all IS.
I don’t know; this probably isn’t making much sense. But I had to write it down.
If I start putting this into words, maybe, just maybe, I can find some way to free myself from the anxiety and fail and need to go and do more.
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