Flummoxed.June 1, 2014 at 4:21 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 4 Comments
We went to a Memorial Day gathering with all my college friends last weekend. And I’m not entirely sure why, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable the entire day.
Which is really odd. My BFF was there. Her husband. Other friends who we see pretty regularly.
And then, too. These people were my family at one point in my life; closest to me. I’ve known some of these friends for more than half of my life.
I couldn’t really explain why it was so awkward, though I feel like it was the question: What have you been up to?
The answer, really, is not much. And I felt like I had some secret, again – like I was hiding some kind of dark failure from everyone.
I was surprised and taken aback to feel this way.
And my therapist suggested that maybe if I wasn’t so focused on what people thought of me and my life; whether I met some kind of external criteria of “success,” I might not feel so gawky and awkward and bumbling. And she challenged me to spend some time writing down what I want from a week. Not the overall, arching LIFE GOALS – just a few simple things I want from my week.
I left her office feeling excited, because OMG her homework dovetails precisely into Athena and what I want to get out of her.
Except. I’ve spent EVERY DAY since then with the open book, on a page called “Wants…”
And I have nothing to write.
Quite literally, my mind goes blank.
What do I want from this week? From today?
I have no idea.
It’s scaring me a little, the idea that I really have no idea what I might want in a given week. Or maybe it’s really the fear of writing something down because I’m afraid I won’t get it.
Either way, I’m not sure what to write.
And I’m not really sure what to do about it.