“It was hard.”

November 8, 2007 at 12:46 pm | Posted in My life, Pregnancy | 10 Comments

Ahhh, MUCH better. I didn’t watch a girly flick last night – instead I watched “My.thbusters” (as both J and I are certified D.iscovery Channel addicts) and lay on my couch in my fleecy pants and top with a warm blanket. Then I went to bed an hour earlier than I have been this week, and I slept as well as I could possibly have wanted.

It was fantastic – exactly what I needed. And, in keeping with Bea’s Girls Night In, this very morning I donated to the Susan G. Komen “For the Cure,” a local Massachusetts charity dedicated to eradicating breast cancer. Though the prevalent disease in my family is heart-related, as I contemplate breastfeeding our potential baby I am reminded that there are many women in this world who don’t have that opportunity.

So. Last night I finally connected with a friend of mine – she and I hadn’t spoken for a while. We were very close in business school, but over the years we’ve just both been busy with other things. Not only does she have a full time job, but just had her second little girl (her first was a complete surprise). Despite our growing apart, I really wanted to tell her our news over the phone.

She was thrilled for us, of course. And during the course of our conversation, I mentioned that it was our 3rd IVF attempt and that it had taken us about 2 and a half years to get to this point, and how thankful we were, et cetera.

And she said “Oh my. Two and a half years? IVF? That must have been horrible.”

All I could say in response?

“Yes… it was hard.”

Because how could I explain everything that went along with it? The pain of failing again and again? The fear that we would never be parents? The guilt that I had maybe done something and was being punished? The longing for a baby of our own? The acceptance of being infertile and needing medical intervention? The wonderful support system I found in my sisters of the blogging community? 

So many emotions when I think if where I came from and where I am today. On my way into work today, I found myself thinking about how lately the thought has sprung up that Squishy was somehow MEANT to be ours. And if we hadn’t gone through the pain of infertility, I certainly wouldn’t feel as lucky as I do to be pregnant. Or feel a part of such an amazing community like I do.

I still believe wholeheartedly that our struggles have given me empathy, and patience, and forced me to realise that I do not have control over much in this life.

This knowledge?

It will make me a better parent. It has made me a better person.

So yes. It was hard.

But it was good, too.