One year ago.

July 14, 2008 at 7:51 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

I wrote my 400th post.

About the fact that at my retrieval they had gotten 11 eggs.

And one year ago today, Baby O was conceived. Granted, it was in a petri dish in a lab. By an embryologist. And I spent the day recovering from the general anesthesia they gave me for retrieval.

But as I watch my son kick and coo and smile (and now yawn) in his bouncer this morning… none of that matters anymore. Not how he was conceived, or how long he took to get here.

It really is possible to heal from infertility.

And.

The three years we spent waiting for him doesn’t matter anymore.

This weekend, J and I received a bill from our clinic – $600 for a yearly storage fee for our remaining embryos. We have three frozen, I believe. One from IVF Cycle #1. Two from IVF Cycle #3.

We, of course, will pay the fee for this year. (Well, once I figure out why they want us to pay $600 when it looks like we have a credit on our account of $(150). I’m sorry, but I can add. And in my book that means that we owe $450, not $600. But I digress.) 

And it brought up the discussion of what our plan might be if we want to give Baby O a sibling.

Which, frankly, still sort of blows my mind. Because only a year ago I couldn’t imagine being a mom. Yet there we were, having a discussion about having multiple kids.

So.Freaking.Weird.

Anyway. We have decided* that we will use the embryos on a frozen cycle some time in the future**.

And if that doesn’t work?

We will be done with ART.

I just can’t go back there. Three fresh cycles was my limit, I think. The shots. The Lu.pron headaches. The blood draws. The monitoring appointments. The never knowing when retrieval would actually BE. The fear over the fertilization results. The 2 week wait. Ugh. All of it, just remembering how HARD it was on us emotionally, physically, intellectually… meh.

But. It gave us the very best outcome; one that we couldn’t even hope for back then. Our gorgeous, wonderful, amazing son.

And as much as I’d like to give him a sibling some day… I just can’t go back to that place of fear and hope and pain and struggle. Where I live and breathe some future hope for something of which I have no control***.

So we’ll pay the storage fee and reassess next year sometime.

But I realized the most amazing thing. I have finally found that I can live in the today. For so long, I was dreaming of the future, and hoping for the future, and then trying NOT to think about the future. It was SO hard for me to live in the here and now… because I felt like a part of me was missing. And so instead the here and now seemed like meaningless distraction; a way to keep busy in order NOT TO THINK about what I really wanted.

And now that Baby O is here, well, that gaping hole in my heart is filled with the smiles of my son. His baby cries and coos. His weight in my arms. His scent.

We are so fucking lucky to have him.

Here.

In our arms.
 

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*Decided is a little strong a term, I think. More like we think this might be the best course of action for us. We both are open to discussion if one of us finds that we’ve changed our mind.

**We did talk about doing a cycle before next July, when we have to pay another storage fee. But I’m finding myself sort of loathe to do that. Mostly for selfish reasons – if I can manage to BF Baby O through his one year birthday, it means I’ll wean him next March. And then do a cycle in May/June/July? That’s not a lot of time. I sort of want some time to have my body back for me.

*** Course, just because we use ART again doesn’t mean I need to live and breathe and die on each cycle, right? As much as I tell myself that I wouldn’t do that… I am dubious. I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn’t be that hard for me to get sucked back into the infertility mindfuck all over again. And even worse – this time take both J AND Baby O with me. Ugh.