Irony.
August 27, 2010 at 1:56 pm | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants) | 11 CommentsWhen a friend of a friend tells you that she admires how you manage to balance work, parenting, travel and hobbies – and make it look effortless.
On the very same day your boss gets pissed outright at you because you have to take off on Monday since daycare is closed.
The same day you get in a fight with your husband because he can’t decide on dinner plans so that you can pack the car for your 2 hour weekend trip. (Even though NOTHING is packed right now and you’re supposed to get home at 5, eat dinner, pack, and leave before it’s too late so O can sleep in the car.)
The same day it becomes clear that you make someone you care about a lot feel like shit about themselves. And you aren’t sure if it’s a fixable thing, or if you’re going to lose that person forever.
The same day where you find out that your a boy your son’s age in daycare gets to move up to the preschool room NEXT week, because since he is now potty trained, he’s “ready” for the next step.
The same day that your son clung to you yet AGAIN when you dropped him off at daycare while telling you “I want to stay with you.”
I can’t tell her any of that.
How there are days where it’s just too much for me.
Where the combination of responsibility to my husband and my son and my family and my friends and my job is just too much to handle.
Where I dream of running away from it all, to a place where I don’t feel like such a failure because I’m trying to do too fucking much.
I can’t tell her any of this.
So I just say:
Thank you.
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Serenity Now! 
Sending you a great big hug!
Comment by It is what it is— August 27, 2010 #
I hear ya. I had a meltdown yesterday. I felt like I could NOT live another moment in my own space–I failed at being a mom yesterday. Big time. And I couldn’t get over my failure, so my disappointment and utter horror at myself bogged things down even more. Which just continued the cycle of failure.
I failed my kids yesterday.
That confession appalls me.
But of course, I hide it from everybody–these failures that happen too often. So everyone thinks everything is all roses.
Thank goodness today is a new day. A fresh start. A day to start with prayer and forgiveness for myself. I’m doing the best I can. And I’m going to try better.
Because my kids deserve it.
And you know what? When someone says “you make it look so easy!” sometimes I confess that all is going wrong, and sometimes like you, I just say “thank you” too! Because really, at times, it’s no one’s business how I’m hanging on by a thread that day.
Comment by Elle Bee— August 27, 2010 #
Delurking just to say – hang on in there.
I’ve been following your latest posts with great interest (the last few months) because you’ve been able to articulate a lot of feelings I’ve been struggling with, more specifically about being the major breadwinner and not convinced that my current career is my “carreer for life” and trying to figure out how to revolutionize my life with the least upheaval possible 😉
Thank you for being so open and honest and finding time to put your thoughts and feelings on this blog. I really really hope that the weekend getaway will be just what you need right now. You are not a failure, although I am sure every good mother feels like one from time to time!
Back to lurking 🙂
Comment by MC— August 27, 2010 #
Big [[Hugs]]
I can say wholeheartedly that I have been there.
Hoping your weekend is restful and rejuvinating.
Comment by Delenn— August 27, 2010 #
we all have off days!! YOU ARE DOIGN A GREAT JOB!
Comment by Cibele— August 27, 2010 #
Hugs. Just lots and lots of hugs. Hope you have a great weekend.
Comment by Turia— August 27, 2010 #
My son is just a couple months behind O, and he still wets his pants on a regular basis. That’s so weird they would move a kid up already- at our day care, they move all the kids in the same age group up at the same time. Even if a few kids are doing more as far as learning or potty training, they feel it’s best for emotional development to remain with a peer group.
Comment by mrs spock— August 27, 2010 #
XOXO
Comment by andbabybmakesthree— August 28, 2010 #
Ah, not such a good day this day. I hope life feels a bit more balanced shortly. It’s a hard juggle.
Bea
Comment by Bea— August 28, 2010 #
I’m not even back at work yet and I have these days where it’s all too much, and then I think how much more I’ll have with work, and daycare/nanny-dropoff, and and and and and…
I don’t know what to say except that I think I know how you feel, and I feel that way with less going on, so I personally think it’s more than reasonable that you feel this way with more going on.
It’s also strange how I dont’ think I’ve ever read about how much guilt and failure there is as a mother. Nobody warned me about these two lovely parts.
Comment by chicklet— August 28, 2010 #
just want to say that you are not alone. we all have those days! on my worst ones i fantasize about leaving everything and just spending the weekend at a spa…one of these days right?? hugs to you!
Comment by anne— August 29, 2010 #