Warning. Rant Ahead.

March 29, 2012 at 2:04 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Battles (aka: toddlerhood), Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Heartbreak, Infertility | 13 Comments

(With swear words and stuff. Not the post you were looking for? Feel free to click away. I won’t feel bad.)

I’m having a week.

I’m tired, cranky, can’t get enough sleep.

My mom might have a kidney stone or advanced renal disease. No one seems to be worried about the latter part of that sentence, despite the abysmal readings from some test the doctor did. Everyone seems to THINK that it’s a stone because of her pain, but you know, it might be worse. We’ll find out today what the deal is.

Charlie’s uncle had a stroke after Lucky’s birthday party. Mild, but enough that it’s affected his speech and understanding. He CAN talk, but he’s got a long way to go before he’s back to where he was. And I wish we lived closer so I could go help out more.

My sister is really, really hurting from her BFN and it’s killing me to listen to her pain.

A blog friend is dealing with a divorce because her husband is in love with her best friend.

My empathy and feelings of utter powerlessness for them are choking me and I have this instinctive NEED to DO SOMETHING. I can’t, and it hurts my heart.

My hip hurts from my hard track workouts last week and I am really sick of STILL DEALING WITH TENDINITS from last fall’s marathon. I want to run and NOT hurt. Apparently that’s too much to ask.

It’s also too much to ask for my four year old to stop wetting his pants. I KNOW. I need to be patient. But I’m low on patience and sick of the same fucking routine. In the span of two and a half hours last night, we had two accidents. (Not even kidding. I wish I was.)

You want to hear what it’s like?

Me, neutrally: Your pants are wet, Lucky. Go use the potty – I’m going to get dry pants for you to change into.

Him: No!!! I DON’T HAVE TO GO!!

Me, faking a smile: Yes you do. You JUST went in your pants a little bit. Go on, go use the potty!

Him: No!!! I don’t HAVE TO GO!!

Me: [deep breath] Sweetie, you DO have to go. Your pants are wet. Go on, just try. I bet you have pee in there.

Him: No!!! I DON’T HAVE TO GO!!

Me, losing my calm: JUST USE THE [insert swearword under my breath here] POTTY ALREADY, FOR CRIPES SAKE. Otherwise there will be no [insert logical consequence here].

Him: No!!! I DON’T HAVE TO GO!!!

Me: YES YOU FREAKING DO!!! JUST GO ALREADY!

Him: No!!! I DON’T HAVE TO GO!!

Me: [taking my fiftieth millionth deep breath] Fine. Just go STAND IN THE BATHROOM and I’ll get you new clothes.

Or the alternate ending. Last night I actually sat him on the potty told him he wasn’t allowed to go to bed until he peed.

Mom of the year here, folks. I am full of awesome.

And SO, SO sick of the smell of pee.

I’m due for AF any moment now. And since December, I become a raging lunatic in the few days before she arrives.

I don’t know WHY every cycle I bother telling myself that it’s not a ZERO chance, why not try for it? And even though I KNOW it’s never fucking going to happen, a part of me still hopes. I don’t fucking believe in rainbows or fairies or babydust. I don’t believe that we’re ever going to get lucky again.

Oh wait. Except that little tiny part of me with its wagging tail and happy dog grin.

It could happen! No, seriously, it COULD! Wouldn’t that be so AWESOME? We’d never have to deal with REs ever again!!

So I spend the days leading up to AF all fucking bitter that I was stupid enough to let myself hope that things could ever be different. Silly Serenity. You’re an idiot. Haven’t you figured out by NOW that you’ll never be pregnant again? Seriously girl, fucking FIGURE IT OUT already.

And then there’s the fact that my husband is commuting to Rhode Island every day for a super stressful and busy engagement and it’s a HUGE drain on our family. I am essentially single parenting every night and most of the weekends. Which honestly I GET. It’s not Charlie’s fault. First engagement, taking more time than it should, needs to meet deadlines, needs to work.

But that means my family and household responsibilities have gone up like 40%. Maybe 50%. And my work hours were only reduced by 20%.

And HE’S stressed out, so I need to step it up and do the little things which he appreciates because it makes his life a little easier. Because, you know, I’m only working part time. I can make time for that stuff now!

Doesn’t take a math genius to figure out I’m overtaxed with too much shit to do and think and process through… and not NEARLY enough time in which to do it all.

Which means I’ve reached the end of Patience. I have no patience for ANYTHING. For situations where Good People are dealing with Bad Shit. For my running, which has totally progressed – I’m running faster than I ever have right now, but STILL DEALING with the stupid hip issues. For my stupid inner Optimist, who hopes with every positive sign of ovulation that maybe we’ll get lucky. For my poor son who clearly is struggling with accidents on a physical AND behavioral level. For my husband, who is working SO hard right now, and who is just as stressed and tired as I am.

Balance. Happiness. Breath. Joy. Mindfulness. Living in the moment.

It all seems so far away from my grasp right now.

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13 Comments »

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  1. Bad, bad week! Almost! Over!

    We had those same potty training arguments. I mean, identical. Except sometimes the swear words weren’t under my breath. I mean, dude. He’d say “but I don’t have to” while clutching his crotch bent in half.

    What ended up tipping the scale back in our favor was going back to the very beginning. “Every time you try to potty, you get a sticker” (M&M, whatever your reward is/was.) 2 days of that and he’s not had a full-on accident since. No I don’t know why. We also put a new toy up on the mantle and a few days of no accidents got him the toy.

    Do you make him clean up when he has an accident? I hear that works for some kids.

    I hope your mom is ok.

  2. Hugs. Just great big ol’ hugs!

  3. Thinking of you.
    And Lucky.
    And your blog friend.
    And your sister.
    And Charlie’s Uncle.
    And Charlie.

  4. HUGE HUGS!!

    I am having a tough week too (some actual similar issues–hubs is super busy, mainly single mom-time, tired, dealing with other not normal pressures, etc.)

    We really DO need to get together sometime soon, so I can give you that hug in person! 😉

  5. Fuck you world for heaping a gang o’ shit on my friend Serenity. I mean, would it be too much to ask to spread the wealth a little bit? Back off, please (I said it nicely).

    Hoping things improve in a noticeable way and soon.

    I am exhaling for you.

  6. I hear you… it is literally raining s&#$ everywhere at the moment. Hugs to you for everything you are going through for yourself and for other loved ones.

  7. Oh, that is too much to be happening all at once. I really hope at least one of these things gets better soon (maybe your mom could pass the kidney stone, and then you know that’s what it was? the others don’t seem like they’re so easily fixed). Or at least you get some sleep.

    You are certainly not the only mom who is not at your best all the time – I could see myself acting very similarly, not about the potty (luckily) but about many other things. And your patience really does just disappear when you’re the only adult around, especially if you’re used to having help. But I also think that it doesn’t hurt sometimes for your child to see that you’re really annoyed. Because, you know, he shouldn’t be doing that!

    Selfishly, though, whenever I hear of another mom whose husband is working weekends, I immediately think “playdate??”. I’m not actually free for another couple of weekends, but if you do want to get together some weekend when Charlie Brown is working, let me know.

  8. Here, reading, hugs. Lots of ’em.
    xoxo
    T.

  9. Oh look I just got a shout out. LOL? Ha….ha….ha….

    Potty training sucks. People suck. Life, it kind of sucks.

    But you know what? This too shall pass. Head up, etc. Blah blah blah. 🙂

  10. That’s ALOT on your plate. I am so sorry. Hope things get a bit brighter.

    PS: potty training blows.

  11. aw man. It’s like you have your hands so full, and then the imbalance due to CB’s commute just tips it all out of whack. Sounds SO stressful. Hope you can catch a break soon. Meanwhile – vent away! That’s what blogs are for!

  12. I am sorry you having such a hard time. 😦

  13. Wowzers, you DO need a break. FWIW, you are not the only mom to lose her shit and then feel like a turd afterward. I also don’t generally mutter the swear words under my breath which makes me feel like an even bigger winner later.
    Honestly, I’ve been dealing with such horrible PMS the last year that I finally had to go back on BCP to help control the flux. It had become so bad that I would skip the calm portion of any conversation and go straight to freak out mode, which was pretty alarming to me.
    Add in all the other stuff and it’s no wonder you are feeling at the end of the rope. And you know what? It’s ok to vent and cry and tell CB that the everyday battles are wearing you down. You are human and it’s not like you are blaming him, you are just confiding in him and looking for support the same way he looks to you.
    My official Dx: you are normal


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