Better.

February 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm | Posted in FET #6: deja vu (again) | 5 Comments

I think my most overriding emotion yesterday was exhaustion.

When Dr. HIT told me that he thought our chances of getting pregnant were cumulatively good, but it might take us longer than we’d like…

I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

MEH.

Clearly I really don’t have it in me to continue assisted reproductive cycles ad infinitem until we get pregnant.

But I also don’t want to regret stopping, either.

So I sort of felt like I was in this Nebulous Limbo of Suck.

It’s so hard to know WHAT to do. What’s the right approach that will get me pregnant NEXT cycle?

Course no one knows that. Could be a FET. Could be another fresh cycle. Could be NOTHING.

But after a number of glasses of wine last night, a good night of sleep, and a good swim at lunch today, I’m starting to feel like MYSELF again.

A FET is a good “break” for me. I’m at the point where I don’t really WANT a real break. There is ticking of a biological clock, people. I see O getting older, and I think about putting off things we want to do in order to have a baby, and I wonder:

WTF are we doing?

I don’t need a break. I need to get pregnant, or be done.

But also? I need to be able to exercise regularly (because seriously, by the end of three weeks of doing nothing I felt bloated and unhappy and tired and nasty).

A FET is perfect then. Estrogen and patches make it so I can run and swim and not really worry about it all until the day of transfer. There’s no being uncomfortable, worrying about ovarian torsion, etc etc.

The other thing? I also take great heart in the fact that one of our blasts is graded pretty highly. The second isn’t bad, either.

And I know that likely J will make the decision to transfer only one. Because I know my husband – things are black and white with him. We have the CHOICE to control how many babies we have and we know my uterus is unreliable with ONE baby.

Therefore, ipso facto, we will be transferring one.

Which, you know. It’s the responsible choice.

I just don’t have it in me to make it. Because I seem to be in this mindset of beating myself up for nearly everything nowadays. I know that if it DIDN’T work, I’d beat myself up for not listening to my RE.

Yet, somehow, J making that decision for me takes it out of my control, and gives me some objectivity and perspective I really need right now.

So. Today I’m feeling much better about doing a FET. And I’m getting back into exercise and feeling good in general.

So that is most definitely something.

__________________________________

And I CANNOT thank you all enough for the potty training assvice – seriously, really appreciate it.

It’s hard to know when and where and how to approach the potty training thing.

My biggest issue was the fighting of the diaper changes, yet the absolute SILENCE when we talked about potty training. And the lack of interest in bribes, or even trying, or the monkey underwear we bought him.

But when his teacher told me that he got really mad at the kids who pointed out his diaper, it became clear to me. Seriously, my poor kid is EMBARRASSED. He doesn’t want to change his diaper because he wants to pretend he’s a big kid too. But he doesn’t want to use the potty because he’s cautious and isn’t sure how.

I’m totally fine with pull ups and a gentle approach in the safety of our home. Might work.

But the other thing?

His cousin D is in the midst of potty training. And is SO excited about it. We went over there last night, and by the end of the night, D had O out of his diaper, trying to convince him to sit on the potty.

Since O adores his cousin, I am hoping that the encouragement from his cousin will help him be less embarrassed about it.

We’ll see what happens. Our original plan was to wait things out for a little while and really focus on the potty training in July, when we’re forced to take a week off due to our daycare shut down. I’m really in no RUSH, either.

___________________________________

So, to sum up: I’m better today. I love you all for the advice and support and I really don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for all you people in the computer.

Big smoochy kisses to all of you.