In the Moment.

March 15, 2011 at 8:30 am | Posted in FET #6: Another Chance, Infertility | 9 Comments

You’re all right, you know.

I’m in the middle of a 2ww. Which – uh HELLO! – means there’s a chance Nemo might stick.

It’s possible that this obsessing over the next step is a moot point.

Problem is. I’ve always coped with our cycles by figuring out the next step; planning for the inevitable worst case scenario.

And what I’m struggling with here is ALL of the uncertainty. I don’t know if this will work, but if it doesn’t, I don’t REALLY know what our next step is, either.

There’s not a small amount of beating myself up ahead of time, too, for giving up too early. I want an excuse to stop trying, something out of my control, because I know myself. If I walk away from treatments, there will always be a part of me that thinks I’m weak.

I know that there are so many people who would be FORTUNATE to be in our position – where cycles are mostly taken care of by insurance. We’ll be out $3,000 for the year, but not $15-20K like so many other people I know.

The problem, as I see it – is that it’s hard to know when to stop when there’s no lack of funds that DECIDE it FOR you. When your doctor tells you that maybe the next cycle will work, that he believes it MIGHT work, it’s hard to say no, thanks, we’re tapped out.

With every cycle we’re not pregnant, the age difference between O and his sibling gets bigger. And I get older – even though I know in the grand scheme of things 35 is not old. And already we’re seeing a drop in embryo and egg quality – though I know that this past protocol was not really optimised for quality, per se, just numbers.

But.

BUT.

You know, this COULD work, too. I never seem to play out the BEST case scenario and plan for that. Because it’ll hurt if it doesn’t work. Because I’m teasing myself. Or something.

So yesterday, after reading some of your comments, I decided to drop the “what next?” question and focus on the here and now. To be in the moment, to really allow myself to feel both the fear AND the hope.

And on the way home from work, I popped in my favorite Guster CD. It was the one I used to listen to all the time when I was pregnant with O, when he was still named Squishy (also from Finding Nemo, good call, Deborah!).

I put on the song where I felt the closest to O during my pregnancy. And as I sang it, I imagined I was sending love and warmth to the little embryo that is currently with me right now.

It won’t hurt any less if I let myself love Nemo and the cycle fails. It won’t hurt me to acknowledge that I am really hoping that it happens.

I’ve really got nothing to lose.