The End… The Beginning.

September 16, 2014 at 7:40 am | Posted in The End | 12 Comments

When I took a break from this space a year and a half ago – back when I thought I’d never actually be back to write here – I started a new blog, under my real name. I linked it to my Bacefook account and everything, and I had every intention of writing there.

But wow, it was hard to write there, knowing it was linked to social media. For a long time now, I’ve felt stopped up, wanting to write, wanting to say things, wanting to create words, but the worry, What will everyone THINK? has stopped me. Who really cared what *I* had to say? And for that matter, what DID I have to say? What topics were safe?  With all the anxiety around it, the space kind of turned into running blog, which, when I was overtrained and burned out with running this spring, I couldn’t update either.

But then, this summer, I acknowledged that my soul was screaming out at me. I ignored it for so long, I suppose the only way it could actually get my attention was to keep me up at night and give me panic attacks.

And I said it out loud. I’ve BEEN saying it out loud, to almost everyone I meet. I say it to strangers right now, mostly – because I don’t have answers as to HOW I’m going to get there, yet, but if I keep saying it I’m hoping the how will open up to me. I say it in my journal. I say it when I’m alone, when I pretend someone asks me what I do for a living, where my answer is NOT that I’m an accountant.

I say it in my dreams.

I want to be a writer.

And yes, I know that ALL bloggers say they want to be writers. I don’t know what it means for me – I don’t have a story yet, nor do I have a real PLAN for getting there. And anyway, it’s unlikely I’ll ever actually make a living from a blog and writing, because I probably won’t even be published, even if I DO find and write my story in the next few years.

The thing, though?

I don’t really care.

For the first time in thirty eight and a half years, I’m acknowledging that I have a fundamental need to capture life in words. And in a lot of ways, it’s like trying to catch wind in a closed fist. But it’s something that drives me, and ever since I said it out loud (and wrote it down, many, many times), I’ve felt more settled. Less anxious.

(Well, at least until I start thinking and trying to formulate a plan and the fact that I don’t actually have an idea for the next great American novel. And then I worry I’m going to be an accountant the rest of my life. And THAT thought makes me anxious. Thankfully, though, I remember I don’t actually HAVE to have a plan. Yet, anyway.)

Writing is actually really similar to running.

With running, all you need is a pair of shoes, and you can go out and run.

With writing? All you need is a notebook and a pen and you can write.

So my plan, in the near term, is simply to write more.

I joined an online collaborative writing site – Storium – where I am playing three games as three different characters. And I’m trying to use blogging as a warm up right now, before I sketch out story ideas and characters.

I love blogging and I’m going to keep doing it.

But… having two blogs is a pain in the ass. Commenting on people’s posts is hard – I’ve had multiple times where I’ve commented as my real name and then had to go back and revise so people know who I am.

But really, the issue? It’s hard to separate my two identities – the me in real life with the me that is the Serenity Infertile. Of course, I feel a lot more safe as Serenity, because, well, I’ve been Serenity for a long time, and it’s harder to be out there as your real self sometimes.

But I think it’s time I stopped hiding behind her.

I want to blog as ME. All of me, not just the infertile me. Not just the runner me. Not just the parent me.

And so I’ve decided to permanently move over to my other space, the one where I blog under my real name… and I’d like for you, all of you, to join me. I’ve just recently become self-hosted, and the space isn’t fully complete yet, there’s a lot more I want to do with that space… but it’s mine, and it’s ALL of me.

So.

For those of you who do not know, my real name is Karen.

And I’d love it if you joined me at my other blog.

www.riverrundry.com

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12 Comments »

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  1. Good luck. I love that we are both moving to new spaces for the same reasons. When I realized I wanted to really invest in myself as a writer and see where I might end up, I was kind of terrified. I still am (see my post–Fear–up in my new space today). But it feels good to be moving forward in a way I wasn’t before, to be committing to myself in a way I wasn’t before.

    I’m thankful to have a friend on this journey with me. You can do it. And I can too.

  2. It is SO nice to meet you Karen 🙂 Reading your post brought a tear to my eye – I will follow you and wish you the best of luck in your writing. I plan to continue reading.

  3. I’ve been following that blog already, but looking forward to reading more!

  4. I have both on my feedly, and will read you wherever you are. And I will always be glad that you are writing. I love to read your posts.
    xoxo

  5. I’ve been following you for awhile and was sad when you closed this blog. I never deleted the bookmark though so was so happy to see you back. Keep following your dreams! From another Karen

  6. […] Serenity Now! […]

  7. You know how a big part of running is having people cheering you on along the route? I’m that person. For you. Like, my brain is yours in terms of all things novel construction and publishing.

    By the way, reading this post just made me pause before I wrote this comment to write an email I’ve been wanting to send but haven’t had the courage. It is hard to say what you want when you’re just starting out. But I want to be a video game maker. So there.

  8. I know this feeling exactly. I eventually made a similar move. Now – I haven’t quite gone all the way with it (using my surname) because if I did I would just never put the keyboard down and walk away, but it feels good to be a bit more me out there.

  9. Already following you there, as well as here. But glad to see this new confidence in you! 🙂

  10. Dear Admin,

    I landed upon your article””from google, Actually i am doing a research work on””,found your article useful for my research work. Actually i was looking for more related articles on your blog but unfortunately didnt find anymore of it.Hope read more related articles in coming days…I will keep following your blog till then

    Regards
    Alisha

  11. Thank you for sharing. Renee

  12. Reblogged this on Search for Serenity and commented:
    This too is my passion, yet never an ideal. A hobby perhaps. I am new to this and my greatest fear I am yet to overcome is criticism and failure. Please send me details of your new blog as I have seemingly found a similar path. Lost and unsure yet hoping in the unknown. Thank you. Renee


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