When I took a break from this space a year and a half ago – back when I thought I’d never actually be back to write here – I started a new blog, under my real name. I linked it to my Bacefook account and everything, and I had every intention of writing there.
But wow, it was hard to write there, knowing it was linked to social media. For a long time now, I’ve felt stopped up, wanting to write, wanting to say things, wanting to create words, but the worry, What will everyone THINK? has stopped me. Who really cared what *I* had to say? And for that matter, what DID I have to say? What topics were safe? With all the anxiety around it, the space kind of turned into running blog, which, when I was overtrained and burned out with running this spring, I couldn’t update either.
But then, this summer, I acknowledged that my soul was screaming out at me. I ignored it for so long, I suppose the only way it could actually get my attention was to keep me up at night and give me panic attacks.
And I said it out loud. I’ve BEEN saying it out loud, to almost everyone I meet. I say it to strangers right now, mostly – because I don’t have answers as to HOW I’m going to get there, yet, but if I keep saying it I’m hoping the how will open up to me. I say it in my journal. I say it when I’m alone, when I pretend someone asks me what I do for a living, where my answer is NOT that I’m an accountant.
I say it in my dreams.
I want to be a writer.
And yes, I know that ALL bloggers say they want to be writers. I don’t know what it means for me – I don’t have a story yet, nor do I have a real PLAN for getting there. And anyway, it’s unlikely I’ll ever actually make a living from a blog and writing, because I probably won’t even be published, even if I DO find and write my story in the next few years.
The thing, though?
I don’t really care.
For the first time in thirty eight and a half years, I’m acknowledging that I have a fundamental need to capture life in words. And in a lot of ways, it’s like trying to catch wind in a closed fist. But it’s something that drives me, and ever since I said it out loud (and wrote it down, many, many times), I’ve felt more settled. Less anxious.
(Well, at least until I start thinking and trying to formulate a plan and the fact that I don’t actually have an idea for the next great American novel. And then I worry I’m going to be an accountant the rest of my life. And THAT thought makes me anxious. Thankfully, though, I remember I don’t actually HAVE to have a plan. Yet, anyway.)
Writing is actually really similar to running.
With running, all you need is a pair of shoes, and you can go out and run.
With writing? All you need is a notebook and a pen and you can write.
So my plan, in the near term, is simply to write more.
I joined an online collaborative writing site – Storium – where I am playing three games as three different characters. And I’m trying to use blogging as a warm up right now, before I sketch out story ideas and characters.
I love blogging and I’m going to keep doing it.
But… having two blogs is a pain in the ass. Commenting on people’s posts is hard – I’ve had multiple times where I’ve commented as my real name and then had to go back and revise so people know who I am.
But really, the issue? It’s hard to separate my two identities – the me in real life with the me that is the Serenity Infertile. Of course, I feel a lot more safe as Serenity, because, well, I’ve been Serenity for a long time, and it’s harder to be out there as your real self sometimes.
But I think it’s time I stopped hiding behind her.
I want to blog as ME. All of me, not just the infertile me. Not just the runner me. Not just the parent me.
And so I’ve decided to permanently move over to my other space, the one where I blog under my real name… and I’d like for you, all of you, to join me. I’ve just recently become self-hosted, and the space isn’t fully complete yet, there’s a lot more I want to do with that space… but it’s mine, and it’s ALL of me.
For those of you who do not know, my real name is Karen.
And I’d love it if you joined me at my other blog.