Serenity Now!

Waves.

I was never really into science when I was a kid. Which is unfortunate, really – there’s a LOT of really interesting stuff I never learned.

I DID learn Newton’s Laws of motion. But I feel like I learned that stuff in a vacuum.

Because it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve discovered that Newton’s Third Law is actually applicable to the tidal movement of emotions.

To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.

Lucky turned 5 on Sunday. And as I was telling my friend D, he’s READY to be five. We’ve seen real changes in his behavior just this weekend: taking on responsibility to clean up his toys when he’s done playing with them with only a reminder from us (before he’d beg us to “help him!”). We’ve made some very real strides with the pottying stuff (another post for another time).

Almost overnight, it seems, he’s become independent.

It’s almost like the past few months of issues we’ve had with him was in ANTICIPATION of being five, and when he turned five, he made the decision that he was a Big Kid. And has been acting that way, at least for the past couple of days.

I also met with my running coach a couple of times last week: once to set goals for my next training cycle, and once for a one-on-one workout with him on Tuesday night. He told me that, at my CURRENT fitness level, he thought I had it in me to qualify for the Boston Marathon. On Tuesday night, he set time goals for me for a workout which I easily met. It confirmed that I do, in fact, have the potential to run a BQ race this year.

Now, you need to understand: running the Boston Marathon was on my bucket list even before I was a runner (want proof? This post from 2007). The way to run Boston? You need to run a marathon in 3 hours and 40 minutes to qualify (for my current age), or raise $5k+ for a charity.

I want to qualify.

Now, having the POTENTIAL to qualify and actually DOING it are two very different things. I have one marathon under my belt, which wasn’t exactly the best experience – I was injured at mile 22 and then walked the rest. I don’t have a lot of experience with marathons, which means that there’s a lot of variables that contribute to an actual marathon time.

But just HEARING that I have a potential is so gratifying.

On Sunday, I ran 5 miles in honor of Lucky’s 5th birthday. I had just run 10 the day before, a little too fast because it was so. freaking. COLD outside. So my legs were tired. I kept having to slow down, and my pace started to worry me, just a bit.

And then, this thought: Serenity, stop worrying about what you SHOULD be doing. This is what’s happening NOW. This run. Today.

As I heard This run. Today. over and over in my head, another thought popped up.

This LIFE. Today.

All of a sudden, I saw the parallels from the run to my life. I’ve had this idea of what my life SHOULD be like for so long now.

But, really, I’m living THIS life. And remaining attached to the life I was hoping to have is causing me to suffer.

In that moment, as soon as I realized, I let go of the idea of another child. Just, poof, let it go. Released it. And I came home to my family, and we spent the day celebrating how lucky we were, and I watched Lucky play with his friends and then his cousin until late into the night.

Lucky HAS a brother – my nephew. He has sisters and brothers in his friends. We don’t need more children to complete our family. We’re complete as we are.

Sunday was confirmation, for me, that I have the potential to be happy in the here and now. I was surprised at the depth of the feeling, the absolute peace I felt. I savored it, reveled in it. It felt AMAZING.

And then I woke up on Monday. Where the peace was replaced with grief. Sadness. Lucky is getting so big, and there will be no more babies. And when I started making plans to get rid of his baby toys – to really purge all the baby items from our attic – the feeling grew, until last night it nearly swallowed me.

The opposite reaction to peace is sadness for me, it seems. And like the waves, they crash around me.

I have never liked the ocean. I nearly drowned when I was Lucky’s age, and being out of control in a raging sea has always terrified me.

But it seems, that emotions ebb and flow like the ocean.

And I’m finally figuring out how to navigate these seas, I think.

Running Through Injuries. Into My Zen.

Over the past year, I’ve had an education in running through injury.

You didn’t know it was possible, huh? I didn’t either. When I first got tendonitis at the Marine Corps Marathon, I figured I just couldn’t run. That’s what the doctor said.

And then I met with a physical therapist who told me that it was just tendonitis, and once we fixed the underlying problem CAUSING the tendonitis, it would eventually go away. It took me a LONG TIME. I started running again, regularly, in January. In February I ran a half marathon where my IT band started acting up at mile 7, and by mile 13 I was limping and nearly crying in pain and frustration.

But I was back out training not even a week later, once the flare up had gone away. And though it was never that bad ever again, I had nagging hip pain and tightness FOREVER.

I did research and changed up my form; started running toward toes more, in the hopes that whatever was causing the tightness would go away. And it takes time to build the endurance for a new form – there were some long runs where I had to switch back to my old habits because I just couldn’t run on my forefoot any more. My feet were tired a lot.

But slowly, the hip stuff went away. It was a week before my half marathon in September before I realized that I hadn’t had ANY hip pain for a month or so.

And then? I promptly sprained my ankle at the start of the half marathon, and I ran the damn race anyway. And I couldn’t walk for a couple of days.

*sigh*

It’s been 6 weeks since I sprained my ankle. And I took three full weeks off of running. With the D&E I haven’t been allowed to swim – too much risk of infection. So three weeks ago, I decided I needed to get back into running, because I had no other outlet and I needed it.

I started slowly – walk/run intervals. Short distance – 2 – 3 miles. And the ankle hurt. That first week I couldn’t run on my toes; had to use my old habits in order to finish a walk/run.

And sure enough, my IT band started acting up again. And my breathing was HIDEOUS – I lose my cardio fitness so damn easily. So I added cycling to my schedule, 1-2 days a week, where I was pedaling hard and really pushing my breathing but not hurting my ankle.

And the second week I ditched my old shoes and bad habits and started running more on my toes again.

I am starting to see the rewards. Last week, I had my first pain-free run. My ankle was sore for the rest of the week, just a dull ache, but with ice and advil and stretching, and my PT exercises, it was okay. And I’ve been able to run 5 miles for my long runs the past two weeks, nice and slow.

This week? Tuesday’s run felt amazing – light and happy. My ankle twinged a couple of times, but largely I felt GREAT.

Today’s run, I was able to extend the distance by a mile and a quarter, and still only a couple of twinges.

Running when you’re NOT injured is largely about teaching your body how to handle discomfort. Even the slower runs, where you can have a conversation with someone, there’s discomfort as you push the distance and your muscles get tired. The short fast run is about teaching your body to handle the cardiovascular discomfort. Recovery runs are about teaching your body to ACTIVELY recover, getting those muscles to push through the lactic acid and warm up.

And when you run through injury*, the discomfort gets dialed up a bit. There were some days where I ran at a pain level of 7 or 8. That was really hard.

With my ankle, my pain levels running that first week was a 5 or 6. The second week, it was a 3 or 4. And this week, it’s been a 1.

When you’re used to running with pain, and then the pain is gone? It’s a whole new world. Today’s run made me feel AMAZING. Strong. Comfortable.

And on a run like that, the buzz of the voices and responsibilities and my Inner Critic that clutters up my day all melts away. I’m left with nothing but the cadence of the run and my breathing. And in that space, between my breaths, I feel CLEAR. And strong, and happy, and light, and free.

Running is my zen. It connects me to my core, into my soul, away from all the clutter of everyday life. And when I have a run like I did today, when it’s over, I feel renewed and refreshed.

And so very thankful.

*Please note I mean a RUNNABLE injury. Ankle sprains and tendonitis are runnable injuries. Stress fractures and/or fractures are NOT runnable injuries, just as a FYI. Always talk to your doctor or physical therapist before you decide, hey, I’m going to RUN through this stuff.